Losing It

I had the weirdest, most psychotic dream last night. I think it was related in some way to an E! True Hollywood story about Jon and Kate plus 8 I watched before bed, but I actually had a nightmare that one of the infertility bloggers I follow (but doesn't follow me, thank goodness :) was murdered by her husband. WTF? In my dream I learn this from a news report, like this person is a celebrity of something. I've officially gone off the deep end. I don't even know anything about this person (or her husband) !!! Why would I dream about them?

Last night I had some more minor cramping, a little more than earlier in the day, and I had a little this morning, but basically none since then. I'm really struggling with staying positive last time. Last cycle was easier, if it didn't happen I could say, "Well, the first IVF cycle is quite experimental. I didn't really expect anything." I mean, I never did injectible IUIs and they were trying to get a handle on how I reacted to stims.

But this cycle, I don't have any of that to fall back on. They screwed up the stims and it's only by the grace of God I'm even here, with 2 embies in me and 4 more frozen, and to a certain extent, I wonder if I've used up all the good luck I had. My coworker laughed at that today. I have had such bad luck all of my life that she said I should have run out of bad luck by now and have only good luck left, but I do feel like I was just born under a black cloud and will be followed by it forever. And if this cycle fails - that's it, at least for now. I can't think, well maybe next one will be better, because even if I were to do another one, why would it work even better than the one I just had?

There was always the hope of other options before, but I'm slowly running out of options.

I don't feel much. I don't like it one bit. I want to be crampy, I want to be bloated.

I peed on the last FRER I had (from last cycle) in the house tonight. Trigger is just about gone. If I squinted I could make out a line, but it was barely there, something I don't think L would be able to see if I asked him. Today is 9 days past trigger so that's good.

I'm a nutjob.