Wednesday, April 20, 2011

5 weeks, 0 days

That is where I am today. I think. Well, I have had no bleeding or spotting yet, so hopefully I still am.

I am crying every single night about it. WTF is wrong with me? I think I need some anti-depressant meds just to deal with myself. I am so so worried about losing this pregnancy that I am making myself so upset about something that hasn't even happened yet. It's like I'm in pre-mourning.

Intellectually, I know I should be enjoying this as long as I have it. But at night, when I feel cramping and get scared that I'm miscarrying *right now*, it's hard to enjoy it.

I emailed my friend K last night, who did IVF last year and got PG on her second round. She also put in two (ended up with a singleton) and had a few chemicals/MCs before that pregnancy, which ended in the birth of her son this January. She's the only IRL person I know who gets how I'm feeling. And her response, as usual, helped so much.

You take it literally one day (or one bathroom trip) at a time. I talked to the baby(ies) when I got scared bc I had long since decided that no matter how bad it hurt, I was going to love whomever I was carrying for as long as I carried them. For me, not doing so wasn't going to make it hurt any less.

This is a different way of thinking of enjoying being PG as long as you have it. I can love my baby(ies) more than I can "enjoy" the feeling of being PG. I can so easily LOVE THEM. I can't so easily walk around going "Yay, I'm pregnant! (I think)"

Leave your expectations at the door. You're not going to be the joyous pregnant woman who loves every minute of it. Or maybe you are but not until later. All that matters is that you aren't right now. Ok. "Just be." What you feel in this very moment is all that matters. You're not going to feel this way forever, and tomorrow is always a chance at a better day. Some moments, if the fear is too much, it's worth it to fight it. Others, if it's bearable, just let it be with you and go
about your day. Your feelings, no matter what they are or how all over the place they are, are completely valid.

One day at a time.


  1. Your friend sounds awesome and gave you some great advice. I love how she worded it. I hope each day gets easier for you=)

  2. Your friend had some excellent advice :) I'm glad you have her.

    So happy things are looking good so far and you've made it to 5wks. Here's to hoping they continue progressing beautifully!

  3. I'm glad you have someone who can be so real and honest and open, we should all be so lucky.

  4. Sending hugs. I can imagine how difficult it must be to believe that the pregnancy is happening. I know if/when I am pregnant again I will feel exactly the same.

    I am glad you have a friend who understands. xx