Well, all that happy hoo ha about how I'm getting more comfortable with not being pregnant but still expecting went right out the door this week.
I'm officially a liar.
I didn't set out to be one, but in the end I just wanted to protect myself. Applications for our HOA board went out months ago, and L decided to run. A month or so ago though, he decided with 2 on the way, no way did he have time to be on the board. Smart decision, hubby. I was President of our HOA a few years back, and what a time suck.
But it looks like our management company never told the homeowners he wasn't running anymore. So the evening before the election meeting (which we decided to skip altogether) L ran into one of our neighbors (we have 54 neighbors in our development, mostly elderly) and he was told, "I'm voting for you!" Well K had to explain to this gentleman (a retired priest btw) that he wasn't running anymore bc he's expecting twins.
Cut to earlier this week when I got an email from my elderly downstairs neighbor saying that she hasn't seen us in awhile and to come over. She has been in a bunch of hospitals over the last few months but is finally home. I felt bad because it had been awhile since we saw her (we'd been keeping up on how she was through her SIL who was house sitting while she was in the hospital). But I also knew that Father Carl was a busybody and had to have told her. Ugh. And if it had just been her and the news wouldn't have been spread all over the development, I probably would have told her the truth, but I knew it would be. And it's MY news to tell or not tell as I see fit.
So we went out and got some flowers, an I put on my bulkiest jacket, just in case, though I wasn't going to mention a thing. Well, we got through the door after saying hello, and she exaggeratedly looks at my belly and says, "Looks like someone is expecting a little bundle or two soon!"
Kill me now. And I just went along with it. And every question she asked about my pregnancy, I answered, totally leading her to believe I'm the one pregnant. By the time we left, I felt like such a fraud. But I really just don't want all these other people discussing my business!!!
And I KNOW I do not look 26 weeks pregnant with twins. Part of me thinks she knows I'm lying, because how could she not? Now I'm just like, how can I hide out until February?
Afterwards, I may have gone searching on the Internet for fake baby bumps. Rest assured, I did not purchase one though. Sense did grab ahold of me at last.
I'm having a hard time this week. I don't know why. I am über jealous of all the photos SIL is posting of her twins on FB (even though I have other friends posting pics of their kids and I'm not jealous of them!) and my OTHER SIL (brother's wife) just posted a 20 week bump pic on FB and I burst into tears. Sheesh. It's like I'm so torn between two places. I'm half afraid something will go wrong with my babies and I'll never get to take pictures of them, but I also wish I was pregnant so
much and had a bump pic of my own...
Sigh...I wish I could improve in a linear fashion but alas, I have regressed this week.
Hopefully next week will be better.
Yeah, this stupid IF stuff never tends to go in a linear fashion! Some days I think I will be 100% content and happy if we only adopt in the future, and other days I think, "Get me to the fertility clinic NOW because if I don't get pregnant I will DIE." Blech.
ReplyDeleteJust know what when you DO have your precious girls home with you it does get more normal. No one will ask how they go to you and when they ask what it's like giving "birth" to twins you just say the truth, "The hardest thing I've ever done!" :-) Because boy, has your birthing and labor process been long and drawn out!
I'm sorry that you're still struggling with the story to tell people about your twins. I know it has to be hard missing out on pregnancy and watching what feels like everyone else experiencing it. You have nothing to be ashamed of, but I understand not wanting to tell people. A lot has been stolen from you on this journey, and it's your story to tell or not tell.
ReplyDeleteI can't remember, are you talking to a counselor about the emotions and everything coming up with the surrogacy? I know that it's hard, and maybe you need to talk through some things. In the long run it won't matter how they got here- these are your babies- but there's a lot to process too (*hugs*)
I'm sorry honey. Hang in there. You'll feel better in a few weeks and none of this will matter. I hope at least. I'm afraid of adopting and never being pregnant too.
ReplyDeleteUGH old people can be so nosy sometimes. I wouldve made her feel like an ass and said ugh no I'm not pregnant and leave it at that. lol I bet its so hard to explain the back story to people. I felt like that when my dd was born at 26 weeks and we finally brought her home when people asked me how old she was and I was like 3 months even though she was only 5lbs and looked like a tiny tiny baby still. Sometimes Id just lie and say oh shes just a week old because I didnt feel the need to tell someone my life story or hear people feel "bad" for me since she was born so early. So dont feel bad about lying. Its no ones business. And you know what you have had to rely on getting your baby on other peoples terms (like the SR and relying on the GC)so this is the one thing that you can control and decide on YOUR terms. So dont feel guilty about that.
ReplyDeleteI cant imagine how it feels to not be in control over your babies (just read your other post about teh GD) and relying on someone else. BTW I find that totally crappy that your GC isnt taking it more seriously. I never understood why people have such a hard time taking that test. Wahhh 3 hrs is not that much and the drink is NOT that gross.
Don't worry.. Lying to yourself is an attempt to survive. I do it all the time... Hence our blog titles. I'm sorry you have to deal with the additional scrutiny. It always seems to happen at a time when you don't need it. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteFacebook is the devil for those of us ttc. I totally support you buying a fake baby bump.
ReplyDeleteSister K