Not Exactly What I Was Thinking

So my experiment to blog mostly about the girls at my other blog is sort of falling through. Sort of. And that's because I can't be fully honest there. Because my parents and my inlaws know about it and I can't really say everything I always want to say. It's sort of why I set up this place to begin with - to not have to worry about hurting the feelings of people I knew and yet I could be brutally honest. My place to vent. So I think I'm going to write more here about things BUT all pictures and stuff will be there and I'll only refer to initals and such here. Sorry to be such a PITA about it.

I blogged for so long about things and I feel like I haven't written much in the last 8 weeks, and that stinks. I'm never going to have this time again and I'll forget how I felt if I don't write it down.

I love my girls so much. They are just so perfect to me. I know every mom says that :) M is such a quiet, pensive little girl who just looks around and is curious. N is a diva, complaining about everything and loves to cuddle. Ha, I feel so bad writing that - I actually think she has colic, or a very sensitive stomach, because many times she's inconsolable and I can here the tummy rumbling.

In about half an hour, my girls will be 8 weeks old. 8 weeks ago I will have been in that delivery room watching them being born. When I was little on every birthday, my mom used to say, "8 years ago today I was sitting in our apartment and your father and uncle were packing it up (they were in the middle of moving my parents) when I said, we have to go to the hospital..." -giving me the birth story and I ate it up when I was little. I won't be able to say it in the same way but it's still so nice to think about.

And 8 weeks ago? It feels simultaneously like 8 days or 8 years! January feels like SO long ago. I can't believe it's almost April. And yet, I can't believe it's already April! It's a mess of contradictions.

I don't have to go back for awhile, but I am nervous about going back to work. There's so much work right now here with the girls, how the heck will I juggle all of that AND work?

My mom has been a godsend with the girls. She had been so excited throughout the 9 months of Gabby's pregnancy and knowing her, I was really afraid that she'd either be there every day in the very beginning and then get tired of it (I do live 2.5 hours away) OR she'd try to take over and make me do things her way. I have been so pleasantly surprised. She has come up and continues to come up whenever she is able, even driving the whole way by herself (she NEVER did that before they were born - in fact, I would see her about 4 times a year - and 3 of those times would be us driving down there!) and she has gone out of her way to do things the way I want them.

My MIL on the other hand...not much. She and my FIL actually came twice to Boston the week the girls were born and still in the hospital and I was flabbergasted, and thought maybe things would change, but then they came up once in February and once yesterday, for L's birthday. It makes me sad. But there's nothing I can do except continue to invite them and try not to care too much when they don't.

In the meantime, I definitely think I'm going to need some help. I'm alone with the girls 95% of the time and starting to go crazy with the wash, rinse repeat of feeding and changing. Especially when N is crying uncontrollably, which now sets M off. It can go on all day and makes me want to cry too at times. But amazingly enough, I have not done the thing that all my friends (who didn't experience infertility) told me I would do - Cry and wonder why I wanted this. No, it has never even crossed my mind. I wanted this. I wanted to not take a shower for 3 days and attempt to console and unconsolable baby. To change one baby's outfit 4 times in one day because she keeps peeing all over herself whenever I change her. To be a mom.

So I've cried, but more because I wish I had family who lived closer and could help. But I think we may look into getting a mother's helper for a few hours a day a few days a week. Would be awesome if I could get some cleaning done, or a load of laundry, or even run out to Tar.get to get some wipes if needed instead of loading them up and spending 3x as long, trying to get back in time so I don't ruin my schedule. It would be wonderful.

But either way, I am the happiest I think I've ever been in my life. And AF came yesterday, at 34 days, so that's a pretty good cycle for me! My back is hanging in there surprisingly and hopefully with the nicer weather coming I will be able to exercise more.