The title is so painful to write. We got a call about a profiling opportunity this weekend for a baby born in Indiana June 1st with a congenital heart defect, and I wanted to say yes so much. But in the end, we had to say no. Our first no.
Of all the times for this to happen. It couldn't have happened 2 weeks ago? Or two weeks from now? The timing was just so so bad. I'm the middle of stims and my retrieval won't be this week but next week We've spent so much money on this cycle and we would need to go pick up the baby and stay in Indiana for God knows how long until everything is approved and we can go home. With a son. A little baby boy who is undergoing surgery today for his heart but is otherwise perfect. Of all parents, *I* would know what that little baby is going through. I feel such a kinship with him even though I will never meet him or know anything else.
I wanted to tell the agency - if they can wait 2 weeks we'll go. I want him. I want him right now. But she said no, he would be discharged before then (how? I have no idea). so we had to let him go. And now this cycle I'm in the midst of probably won't work and what will happen is at the end of June we'll have no surrogate pregnancy and no adopted baby either - that's just how things go for me, right?
It wasn't guaranteed we would be picked either, but considering how we got a call on Saturday I think we were one of those only ones being considered.
That baby felt like mine, even though he wasn't. And isn't. And never will be.