There's a reason why I like to remain nameless and unidentifiable on this blog. It's so that I can pour out my real feelings without being judged by those who know me. Because sometimes those feelings sound bad, real bad. And tonight is one of those nights.
I feel like I've been punched in the gut. And it's petty, petty jealousy. Let me back up.
I dated my husband for years starting in high school, then we broke up for a few years, then got back together. When I started dating him again, his younger brother was dating a girl for about 3-4 years (they got together in college) at that point. They got engaged in 2005 but decided to wait to get married until 2007, more than 2 years later. L proposed to me in 2006 but we decided not to "steal" their thunder and therefore had an 18 month engagement so they could get married first. We got married 3 months after them (and I hear she still wasn't happy about it, but I thought tough, we waited long enough).
We started trying at the end of 2008, so I always thought we would have kids first, that at least in this one thing we could be first. And I always thought we'd have boys, because L is one of THREE boys, it just runs in the family. Now, obviously as the years went by, I knew she would probably have kids before me. I just sort of hoped I could have a girl and she'd have a boy, so at least I could have the girl everyone wanted and be "special" in that way at least. His mother has always wanted a girl. Obviously, above all, I've just wanted a baby, somehow some way, but I hope you can understand why I might want a girl for that petty reason alone.
We found out his brother and SIL were pregnant in March. All right, hard to bear of course just because we want kids so badly, but that's life. Today his brother LEFT A MESSAGE (how nice) what they're having.
Oh yes, of course it's a girl. But not only that. That would be too easy.
It's TWIN girls.
So I can't even be "special" if I have twins now. I mean, seriously?
I totally know it's petty and I would never ever say anything to anyone I knew in real life but I'm just venting here.
I'm a little upset that NO ONE in the family told us they were even having twins until today. I know they probably didn't know it was girls until now (I think she's 16 or 18 weeks) but they would have found out it was twins at the first U/S. They told us they were pregnant, so why not tell us everything?
I'm having a hard time dealing with that fact, above else.
(Hugs) I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. She sounds like someone who enjoys the spotlight, and dragging it out when she can. I would like to think she waited to announce it was twins due to the high risk involved in a twin pregnancy, but who knows. I would try, as hard as it's going to be, to not let her steal your moment. You earned this, do NOT let her or anyone else take it away. She isn't worth it. This will be a special moment and she will only ruin it if you let her. Just focus on Gabby and your bfp and your husband and yourself. (Hugs) This is your time to shine girl!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it really has anything to do with her/them or it's really all me, but I can own my petty jealousy :) I just need to spill it (vent) sometimes to you all!
DeleteI totally get that feeling. Both my brother and brother in law were due to have babies this June. We found out before our last successful ivf cycle. My brothers son was just born on saturday, on day after the due date of bro in laws son who was unfortunately born still in March. There are so many f'd up feelings that go along with that one. But I still at times feel jealous that my son isn't really first on Hubby's side, or that everyone's happiness is tainted by the loss. I just want to be happy and excited and for my kid to be special! I think for a long while, we were both hoping for twins simpl to show up our younger brothers.
ReplyDeleteYup, I totally admit that "showing up" is what I sort of wanted, after so long! I mean, nothing else would ever be a surprise, so at least this could be exciting for everyone. But not to be...lol at my luck :)
DeleteOh goodness... SOO hard! I understand and I'm sorry. Too, too much! AHH!! =( I would also be very frustrated... sigh.
ReplyDeleteI know it's petty, but still! :)
Delete(*hugs*) It's hard, and I don't think it's petty. Two of my husband's younger siblings had children before us, even though they were with their husbands/fiances way after us... it's a blow to the gut.
ReplyDeleteWe had a gender issue going on here too, everyone wanted girls... my husband's family only has boys, almost all of my mom's are boys too, and of course we had a boy. No one has had a girl, but still no one got very excited, because it was "another boy" to them... not my baby that I went through 4 years of hell for, survived despite the odds... no, he was "another boy." Gender bias' and that crap are, well, crap.
Exactly exactly exactly!
DeleteAm soo sorry I get this completely. It’s like you think “Universe just give me SOMETHING?! After all the crap you’ve put me through already you can’t even give me one tiny thing?!” At least you have an AWESOME 2nd beta!! Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteYes! That's totally it! I know I sound a bit immature but I'll own it :) Just wanted this one little thing!
DeleteMy brother and SIL announced they were pregnant on the day my kid was born (we adopted him). As in I called to tell him the kid had been born and he popped out with "oh we just got out of our first OB apointment). Then, when we announced that we were pursuing adoption #2, seconds later my SIL said, "oh, well we're pg with #2". And then she wnt and had the only girl my family has had in 25 years. I have to admit that I am still a bit bitter about this (6yrs after the kid was born, mind you). I continue to try to let it go. We're all a work in progress...
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, that would hurt me so much. That would is beyond the pale and I'm so sorry they did that to you twice!! Forget 6 years, I would probably be working on letting that go FOREVER...
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