A few nights ago, I was feeling sort of worried about Gabby, so I sent her an email asking her if I was emailing too much. It wasn't quite what I wanted to say, but I didn't quite know how to put what I wanted to say.
I don't think I email her too much (she emails me more). But I do think my emails are sort of whiny, complainy, and down (I judge myself way harsher than she probably does, but I'm insecure like that) and I admit, i'm a control freak, so that's why I worry about things like when AF is going to come, etc. I would love to be able to talk with her like I can my closest work friend - to say, I'm so scared this cycle isn't going to work, that it makes me cry just thinking about it. But that would bring her down even more, and put pressure on her even though it really doesn't have to do with her (it has more to do with our embryos) because she doesn't understand that it really doesn't have to do with her.
Yea, did that make sense at all?
Provided her lining and everything looks ok, if it doesn't implant, it's most likely because of our embryos (or my eggs, i should really say). She's so convinced it's going to happen because she's such a great baby maker, but while a good uterus is obviously necessary, quality of the embryos matters more at first. If it doesn't happen I know she'll blame herself to an extent, and I feel bad because I know it won't be because of her.
But while I like Gabby, we haven't known each other long enough or well enough for me to spill out my heart like that. Instead I just wrote to her:
"Is this too much emailing for you? Sorry if I'm being a pain. Just trying to keep you in the loop on every little thing but I definitely don't have to if it's annoying! Just let me know :)"
Between you and me, the "keep you in the loop on every little thing" didn't really mean events going on, but more my feelings...
But I got this very nice message back the next morning...
Listen... if our positions were reversed I would be moving in with you for the duration of the whole process so no worries! :) I'm always on email, no issue!
Which helped me relax immensely.
That same day (this was Tuesday), towards the end of the day I emailed our cycle nurse (no longer Holly, now we have Susan) to ask her what happens if I never get a full on period. I mean, last month I barely had any bleeding when I went off BCP. She told me I should go in for baselines the next day just to see where I was. Great!
So yesterday I went in, and on U/S everything was quiet. The nurse doing the U/S said it looked like I wasn't going to bleed any more(super thin lining) but I had the beginnings of lots of little follies (woot!) and then my b/w came back, E2 was 37 and P4 was 0.3. Perfect! Suppressed (under 50) but not TOO suppressed! Susan emailed me later in the day that I could start taking stims!
So last night L gave me my first Gonal F injection. I think that pen is so cool. Plus the needles are super small. I'm starting off at 150F IU. Then this morning, I lowered my Lupron dosage to .2 and added a vial of menopur. I will be taking these until Monday when I go in for b/w again. It makes me a little nervous to be on that amount for so long without checking levels, because it seems like I never start meds high enough and it's all downhill after that, but L reminded me I'm on a lower dosage of lupron this time, and have menopur like I used in my last non-lupron cycle. I am really hoping for around 400 E2 on Monday. Fingers crossed.
P.S. - guess who got AF "full -on" today? Yup, this girl. *shakes head*