Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Ugh. Had to cancel this mornings appt. because AF didn't come. I keep hoping it'll come today but so far nothing. I can't believe this.

I sent a message to Gabby letting her know and she was like, "it's going to be 9 mos. this is no big deal." But I have vacation starting 6/16. I need retrieval to happen before then and this is not turning out to be good. My last cycle (the one without lupron - lasted 19 DAYS from the first day of stims to the day of retrieval.

IVF #2 - with lupron and the one with my twins - it was 15 days from first day of stims to retrieval.

IVF #1 - the chemical - was 14 days.

If we go with the length of #2 as the average (as it was with lupron and this one is with lupron)...if I start TOMORROW (no guarantee the way things are going) then retrieval would be on June 13th.

If it's 19 days, I'm screwed, as that would take me out to June 17th.

Of course, if AF doesn't come today, I won't even be starting tomorrow, so you see how anxious I am about this...

We're only going to Maine, so it's not like I have plane tickets or anything. If need be, I suppose we can just meet our friends up there later in the week. That just stinks though :(

Sometimes I wish Gabby "got" infertility more. She simply doesn't think some things are a big deal. I rememeber when we first met her and her husband, he asked us if we watched Parenthood - and we were both like, "no...sorry, we try not to watch shows having to do with babies/parents..." it was awkward because we felt like Debbie Downers, but it seemed to us obvious why we wouldn't watch it. And in their heads they were probably thinking - this relationship is all about becoming parents, so these people would probably think this show is hilarious!

Gabby keeps trying to get me to watch Bill and Giuliana's reality show about their surrogacy. She's really into it. But I can't, at least not yet. When my surrogate is pregnant, then yeah, I can watch it. But not right now.

And so, whenever I'm anxious about something, I try to tell her because I want to be honest, but I'm finding I really can't, because she doesn't get it at all. Even many IP (intended parents) may not get it - it depends on your history. I read articles about Bill and Giuliana (that's much easier than watching a show) and she said that seeing her baby's HB was the happiest thing in her life. I bet Gabby will expect me to feel the same way.

But I won't. I saw the HB. More than once, more than twice. It was 4 times, and every time it was a great heartbeat, strong and fast. And then it was gone.

The day I will feel happiest? (Besides the birth of course). Probably when we make it into the second trimester - when we've surpassed how far I ever got with my babies.

Of course when viability comes around (28 weeks?) even better. 32 weeks - even better than that.

It's just different for me. And I don't think she gets that. 9 months is a huge deal for me. I will be worried for most of it. It's just the way I am.

I guess I didn't/couldn't convey that well enough to her in the beginning. And I don't know if she's really liking that about me now.

I can't help myself though. I will never relax until my baby(ies) are at home with me, safe and sound.


  1. Sorry AF hasn't showed. I really hope that things get moving in a timely manner.

    And that's hard about Gabby not getting it. No matter what stage you're at in infertility, or what path you take, there are always people that just don't get it. I think it's just really hard for outsiders to understand. It makes it hard. I can imagine how difficult that might feel sometimes, especially in this situation (*hugs*) Hopefully she will respect that you're dealing with everything in your own way.

  2. Its actually 23/24 weeks for viability (my dd was born at 26 weeks and every week on bedrest was gold.)

    And dont feel like a debbie downer. I bet it would be super hard to watch. I watch Giulliana and Bills show and love it but can understand. Even when someone that goes through infertility had their BFP its still so hard. But she did have a m/c with one of her IVFs (I think she was 9 weeks). So I think they both were happy but still very cautious which is why they waited for so long to tell.