Rambling

I'm listening to Adele's Set Fire to the Rain right now, on repeat. I'm not really listening to the words, but the music itself is a good mirror for how I'm feeling right now, angsty and sad, like I wish I could unzip myself and go for a run, leaving all my baggage behind for awhile.

I had a meltdown this morning while getting dressed for work. Couldn't find anything that fit right and I felt like a whale. Ever have one of those days? I mean, I'm no fatter than I was a few days ago when I DIDN'T feel that way - so chill the F out, Ducky!

So I'm planning to go to Marshalls after work to look for a few new tops. Besides, it's getting hot out, so short sleeves are needed anyway...shopping always helps me feel better!

Gabby's first E2 levels came back. I don't know what they really need to be, as she's only doing the latter half of a cycle. It was 202 and they said that was fine, she doesn't need to increase the Estrace.

I can't wait for Friday, until I'm done with BCP!

This weekend is the first Memorial Day weekend we're not doing anything. We've gone away every Mem. Day weekend since we've been together, culminating in last year's which is when I *think* I lost my babies. Or baby...I had already lost one at 7 weeks.

TMI story up ahead if you don't want to read...

We went to Maine, and it was super hot that weekend and L convinced me to go for a walk on this pathway by the beach which was beautiful but 4 miles long and it totally took everything out of me, and when I got back to the B&B(totally TMI) I had to change my pants because I had this foul smell that I've never smelled before in my life and was feeling VERY wet down there and now I wonder if that was amniotic fluid or SOMETHING (I had NO blood though). I've always wondered if that was the day I lost my last twin. Part of me hopes it happened before then and that maybe whatever happened that day was just an indicator it was ALREADY over, but I will never know, and I will always wonder. It's funny, L is suprised that I don't mind going back to Maine and Ogunquit in general because I'm definitely a person that associates good or bad things with places like that, but I don't have a problem with that. That pathway though...yea, I don't know if I could go back there, or the B&B we stayed at.

The one year "anniversary" of my latest loss is probably adding to my angstiness. I'll be better after June 7th or whenever my D&C was...