I'm A Tortoise, Not a Hare

Things are progressing, but they're slow. I'm slow. The RE assures me it's ok, that they prefer things to be progressing slowly as opposed to very quickly (or not progressing at all, I suppose), but with me and my stupid Googling habit, I am worried that it doesn't portend well for the future.

I don't know what the hell the NP who did my U/S on Saturday was smoking. That 15mm lining I had? Today, according to the PA, it is 9.2. And tri. I actually am happier with that number than the 15, because I don't have to worry about it being too thick anymore. Not that I was sure I needed to worry.

Today after 9 days of stims there were 20 measurable follicles, up from the 13 after 7 days of stims and 10 after 5 days. That 17.5mm outlier follicle I thought I had on Saturday? The PA today said it's really two smaller follicles. Now that kind of a mistake I can totally understand. I saw the U/S today, my follies are big and smushed together and I don't know how they even know if they counted all of them correctly.

So, I don't know which ones are at which size, but I apparently have a bunch of 16s, a bunch of 15s, a bunch of 14s, and a bunch of 11s. The 11s probably won't be ready in time, but it looks like the 14-16s will be good to go when the time comes.

Now that time. IVF Jen said trigger might not be for another 5 days. Today will be my 10th day of stims. I've never heard of stimming for that long.

Stupid Google says that stimming for more than 10 days is Bad. When I asked if that was true, she shrugged and said, "No." Well, that makes me feel so secure.

I asked some people on this IVF message board I read and there have been lots of BFPs from long-stimming cycles. Why that makes me feel better than the response from IVF Jen, I really have no idea.

So, back to the RE on Weds. now. I'm waiting for a call from IVF Jen to determine if I stay on my meds or change, and nothing yet. And of course, I want to know my E2 levels.

ETA: She just called. Stay on the same dosing until Weds. And E2 was 1364, progesterone .2.

S..l..o..w....

Next Stop: Bitchville

I'm on the train to Bitchville.  Actually, we'd probably have to back that train back up to Bitchville because I'm long past it, the way I've been today.  I had another scan and more b/w today, and they ended up calling L's phone with the meds protocol instead of mine while I was at my acupuncture appt. He didn't ask any questions (i.e. what the E2 levels were and why they weren't changing the protocol and when I found out later I was SO upset.  I actually called the emergency pager for them to give me that information because I couldn't stand not knowing until Monday.  Luckily they called me back and were still in the office (it was only an hour after they called him) so I don't feel that badly about it.  Thank God I have an understanding husband.

I was so worried about my lining on Weds. but today it was 15mm! Holy cow. NOW I'm worried about it being too thick.  Wow, you can't win with me, can you?

At today's U/S I was up to 13 follies, from the 10 they saw on Weds. I thought on Weds. my follicles were around 10mm based on what L told me, but today most of them were between 10-13mm.

I have one outlier follie at 17.5mm. I don't know what's going to happen with that as it's so far ahead of the others.

My E2 was 800 today which is perfectly inline with my 260 from Weds. but I don't know how it compares to the average IVF cycle, nor do I know what my follicles SHOULD be at this point.  I hate not knowing.  I'm such a control freak.  It's not like I could change anything anyway, but I just can't let go.

I really thought they would lower my dosing based on that 17.5mm follie but the word from the doc was to stay exactly the same, 3 vials of Bravelle and 5 units of Lupron still.  I just hope the 17.5 one stays put. If it keeps growing like it was, it will be 22.5 on Monday, my next appointment.

My acupuncture session went well though.  I listened to the Stress and Pressure podcast from MeditationOasis.com and it was really nice.  This is my third attempt at acupuncture and I'm planning to do another one the day before ER and possibly after too.

I just want this week over...I'm so stressed without any real reason, but I can't help my hormones.

First Scan

Today is my second day at home for this two-shot storm.  My deck is nearly completely full of snow, up to the railings!  My first scan was this morning and I was so worried my RE's office would be closed due to the weather.  But, as the receptionist told me, "We're always here!" and the office was quite busy.

I was so nervous that nothing would be progressing.  These stims are making me so emotional, it's ridiculous - I burst out crying at the silliest of things.

Anyway, I'm a little slow, the RE said, but nothing too bad, at least not yet.  My estradiol is 260, my progesterone is .1 (low is good in this case) but one of my concerns is that my lining was only 5mm. So the doctor is upping me from 2 vials of Bravelle a day to 3.

IVF Jen then told me that she's not sure why since everything looks good, "but hey, he's the doctor." That's right, chica.  What's with the commentary?  Ok, like I said, moody.

In other news I FINALLY yesterday heard back about my b/w from last month. MTHFR is confirmed, everything else was negative except for this PAI polymorphism 4g5g test that they are still waiting on results for.

I'm trying to learn about it, and it seems it's called compound heterozygous MTHFR.  But so far, my doctors aren't telling me much about it.  What do I need to do?  According to MFM, take "adequate" folic acid, B6 and B12.  But what is adequate for someone with two MTHFR mutations?  According to some websites I found, between 3-5 MG.  Holy cow, that's a lot.  But I'll do it in a second.

I am so so worried I need Heparin though.  I already know Dr. Mike and Boston MFM want me to take it starting at 8 weeks, but due to my previous M/C and chemical I wonder if I need it from the start, or possibly even before pregnancy.  It is sometimes needed for MTHFR mutations.

But I can't even get ahold of the MFM here to find out.  Argh!  So frustrated!



I 

Suppression Check

Well, I am well and truly suppressed, I guess.  Nothing going on at my baseline appointment on Saturday morning.  Of course, after 5 weeks on BCP and over a week on Lupron, I would have been surprised if there was.

I started spotting on Thursday and lo and behold had just about full on AF by yesterday. I was really surprised, I hadn't expected it at all.  I think it's because when I'd been on BCP previously and gone off it, it took a full month before AF came.

So, L and I started the Bravelle injections yesterday.  NOT a fan.  I suppose, who is? It burned....buuurrrned.  For a good 10 minutes afterwards as well.  I'm going to do the Lupron shot first so that after I'm burning I don't have yet another shot to go.  I really hope the next week or so goes by fast because I'm not going to enjoy it.

Last of the 10 Units

I work in an office of primarily men. All are over 45 and all have multiple children, except one. That one told us a week ago that his wife would be giving birth in a week and he’d probably be out for a couple weeks. The GC knew about this but it was the first the rest of us had heard about it.  Guess he’s very private about it.  Too bad women don’t have the same opportunity.

Anyway, his wife gave birth yesterday. Everyone in the office is so excited – it’s the first baby born in this office, as everyone else has adult or nearly-adult children.  I’m very happy for him, and not so jealous for some reason – it may have to do with the fact that he’s over 45 and it’s his first child (although I have no idea how old his wife is, and for all I know, she could be younger than me).  But the carrying on in this office is definitely making me jealous.  They’re calling it “our office’s baby” – which is SO STUPID, considering he didn’t even tell us till last week. He doesn't want it to be THEIRS (ours).

It’s just a little taste of what will happen if and when my coworker/office roomate (the only other one of baby-making age) in this office gets pregnant again quickly. I will have to listen about it from everyone.

And I can’t deny I want that to be me the fuss is made about.

I have my baseline appt. tomorrow morning.  I am really excited today for some reason about it. I hope everything goes well.  Today is my last injection of Lupron at 10 units. Tomorrow, provided my appt. goes well, I will add the second injection, the stims, starting tomorrow until egg retrieval.

I will still be taking the Lupron, but only 5 units from now on (until they tell me otherwise).  Now I need my ovaries to work and produce lots of good-quality eggs!

Difficult

Today is a difficult day.

A difficult day right after yesterday, which was for the most part, an easy day.

It amazes me how quickly it can change.

Today I’m in mourning.

Not for anything or person in particular, just a general sense of grief for what is not happening with my body.
I swear I can feel my ovaries shutting down.  Silly? I don’t know.  Probably. But during my IUI cycles I could always feel them growing, so I don’t think it’s a reach to think I can feel the opposite.

I suppose when stims start and I feel them growing then I might feel better about it, but today I’m in mourning for my body that has been through so much, yet still isn’t good enough for me.

If I look at it objectively, anthromorphizing a body as separate from a person, I truly feel sorry for all that it’s been through.

It’s probably wondering, “Are you ever going to stop abusing me? You stopped my heart, multiple times, you changed my anatomy, you stuck foreign pieces of other animals in me to force me to work more correctly, you’ve pumped me full of numerous hormones and chemicals and such, and now this? How much more do you think I can take?”

When I think of my body separate from who I am, I feel really badly for it.

Which in turn makes me think, why doesn’t God feel badly for me?

I was thinking about this already when I read today’s blog post by Single Infertile Female, which is the only ongoing infertility blog I can find by someone who doesn’t already have a kid or hasn’t been successful yet.

And it’s safe to say, I’m having a crisis of faith.

I’ve been having one for awhile.  It crystallizes every so often, and I feel so very alone. Despite my wonderful husband, I can still feel so very alone.

And I wonder when will it be my turn? With every pregnancy announcement, with every post on FB, or God forbid U/S posted (and SERIOUSLY, I don’t understand why anyone thinks anyone else wants to see their U/S picture) …I just feel more and more alone.

And what did I ever do to deserve it?  Sometimes I think I must have been a very bad person in a previous life, because why else would I have been born with such a serious heart defect?

Believe it or not though, I never actually was self-pitying about my body at all until this infertility journey of mine started.  When I was younger, I was actually PROUD of my body, of my heart, for dealing with so much and still beating away.  But now, years later, I really don’t feel that way anymore.

I’m angry and I’m sad.  I used to feel like God was that Father that would hold me in His arms and tell me everything would be ok and now I just feel hated.  I’m not good enough for him to care about.

It’s so hard for me to stay positive, especially after so long at this.  I’m definitely a glass is half-empty kind of girl, someone who doesn’t want to be TOO positive in case things don’t turn out well. I want to be prepared for the bad news.

But after all this time, I really ought to know, whether I prepare myself or not, I am always DEVASTATED when I get the bad news.  I don’t think it matters whether I’m 100% gung ho or skeptic – it  hurts all the same. Yet I’m afraid to let myself be 100% gung-ho – like that will jinx it or something.

So silly when NOT being 100% gung-ho doesn’t do anything for me either.

Today someone suggested I make a list of all the positive things I’ve learned from undergoing what I have.  It’s so hard, but I think it would be a good exercise. I don’t know if I could come up with much, if anything…but here goes, in no particular order:

1. I have learned how persistent I am – I DO NOT GIVE UP.
2. I have learned that I would not be able to do this without the husband I have.
3. I have learned that I cry an awful lot, but crying actually makes me feel physically better.
4. I have learned how appreciative I will be when I finally hold my child in my arms, and not everyone is.
5. I have learned that it is far better to be allowed to try and get pregnant and be unable to, then not be allowed to try and get pregnant at all.
6. I have learned that there are certain people, not many, but definitely some, who will let me take take take right now, not give as much back, and still love me anyway because they understand that one day, I will be able to give give give to them and WANT to so much.

So, 6, not bad.  More than I would have thought.

I'm All Right

I’m pleasantly surprised.

Four shots down, a bazillion to go, and things are going ok.

So far, I haven’t noticed any side effects (knock on wood).  No hot flashes, no horrible headaches.

Honestly, going on BCP was harder.

But speaking of BCP, last night was my last pill.  It’s Lupron injections only until Saturday when my Bravelle injections (stims) start.  I am hoping that getting off the BCP is easier than the getting on was.  Now THAT caused a lot of headaches.

I’m also starting to worry about oversupression. Why do I Google? It just stresses me out.  Apparently, having been on BCP as long as I was and then taking Lupron can cause the stims to not work as well, which may end in a cycle cancellation.

I think I would die if that happened.

I’m trying to tell myself that I was on BCP for a year before we started trying (before then, the depo shot) and my cycle was textbook perfect as soon as I got off. But that was a different brand, so I don’t know if my body would react the same way.

But my RE knew about it and approved of me taking 5 weeks worth of “white only” BCP, so that must mean he wasn’t concerned.

Anyway, back to the injections.  I barely feel them, except for one that L gave me Saturday night that hurt like a motha for some reason and drew blood. I don’t know what the heck he did, but I am not anxious to repeat the experience. Luckily last night went fine.

And, in unrelated but still awesome news, I had my first facial in 10 years thanks to a birthday gift certificate.  Holy cow, my skin feels soft and supple and hydrated, and just…awesome.  I want to do it again.

No results yet from my b/w from last week. I’m anxious to see what they found, if anything. Hopefully they’ll get back to me soon.

Ok, I’m all over the place today.