Ugh, what a week. So much has happened and every day I meant to blog but things were moving practically at the speed of light and there was so much to do.
My cycle was going so well. On Day 6, the day I last wrote, my E2 was 688. They lowered me 112 IU of Gonal F and had me go in for b/w and u/s the next day again. On Day 7 E2 was 1134 but my follicles were still small - the largest around 12 but most between 8-10mm. So they lowered me again to 75 IU and had me come back on Thursday - 2 days later.
On Thursday my E2 was 1839 so it had slowed down but was still increasing, so I didn't think anything of it. My follicles were slightly larger, between 12-15mm (still not ready). My nurse started talking about ER being Sunday or Monday. Shortest cycle I've ever had! This was wonderful! She wanted me to go in again the next day, so I did.
Yesterday, Friday, Day 10, and my ER plummeted. It's just like IVF #2 all over again. It was 1474 yesterday...almost a 400 point drop. Not as bad as when my E2 fell from 1255 to 349 in IVF #2, but it's probably because I went in the next day, and in IVF #2 I was going every other day. I'm so disheartened. Things were going so well. And now this. What is wrong with me???????
The nurse tried to keep things upbeat, but I know she wasn't truthful. I asked her if this was cataclysmic and she said nothing was cataclysmic unless I had already ovulated and they know I haven't. (how they know this I don't know, they have never checked my P4 or LH levels). She said it only meant that my ovaries are telling them they are done - no more stimulation. The problem is that my largest follicle yesterday was only 19..I had a couple over 16...but SO many more still in the 12-15 range. I really wish I could have gone one more day because I think I'm not going to have many fertilized eggs because I didn't go long enough.
IVF #2 started off horribly with the plummet, but in the end it was my best IVF yet, because I got pregnant with twins that cycle. I want to hope the same thing will happen here, but I'm not as hopeful. First of all, I feel like i used up all the good luck during that cycle - what are the chances things will be so good again? Second of all, I stimmed for 13 days that cycle, so I had more time for follicles to grow. I'm a bit afraid they didn't have enough time to grow this cycle at only 9 days stimming so I will most likely have less eggs fertilized. (I had 18 eggs retrieved in IVF #2 and 12 fertilized).
I am pretty sure I will have a bunch of eggs retrieved this time, but I don't know how many will fertilize because so many aren't mature. This sucks.
My only hope is that I am with a hospital who knows what they are doing, and they will hopefully care better for these eggs than anyplace around where I live. So maybe there's a better chance.
But the nurse, after assuring me everything was ok, then asked me, "what are you going to do if the eggs aren't good enough for PGD?"
We're doing PGS, not PGD, but a lot of people use the term interchangeably. And it never occured to me that the eggs might not be good enough. I questioned her on what she meant, and she really meant if we didn't get enough for PGD. We need to have at least 6 fertilized according to Dr. Google. Crap. I don't know. But I wasn't worried, and now I am...sigh...
So they had me trigger last night and retrieval is Sunday. This is all going so fast. The sad part is, I'm wondering if we might have been able to do the adoption for that little boy. If only I had known it would go this fast. It never has before.
I'm now starting to freak out about this not working. All of this money spent for nothing.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
IVF #4 - Day 6 stims
I had my first clinic appt. post baseline today, and I was very nervous. You all know how horrible my E2 levels have been in previous cycles.
Apparently this doctor does things differently than the last 2 REs I've seen. I only needed to have b/w taken for E2 levels today, nothing else. It was nice to keep my pants on for once! :)
Today's number? Out of the gate - E2 is 688. Holy smokes!
Of course, me being me, I had to email the nurse because I was worried she was going to lower my dosage a crazy amount and send me spinning off once again. After all, that's what's happened before. They cut my dose in half and have me come back 3-4 days later to find out it's done the opposite of what they said it would do.
But Susan tells me I'm just lowering my dosage from 150IU to 112.5 IU tonight - keeping the same lupron (.2) and taking the same amount of Menopur tomorrow morning.
Then they want me to go for monitoring again TOMORROW for E2 b/w and a U/S. Guess it's time to see what those follies are doing! I'm sure this way they can tell if I'm going up too fast or if they should hold me steady. In a way I'm so excited because stuff is happening - at the same time, ugh, another doctor's appt.
I also have to go to a different lab at 8:15am tomorrow morning to have my FDA testing done. (only specific labs do it). So yay for getting pricked 3x in 2 days. But at least that will be done!
I hope things look good tomorrow, whatever they are looking for. It would be so exciting to have a good cycle for once! I really love what this doctor has done - I think she's definitely crafted a good protocol for me!
Apparently this doctor does things differently than the last 2 REs I've seen. I only needed to have b/w taken for E2 levels today, nothing else. It was nice to keep my pants on for once! :)
Today's number? Out of the gate - E2 is 688. Holy smokes!
Of course, me being me, I had to email the nurse because I was worried she was going to lower my dosage a crazy amount and send me spinning off once again. After all, that's what's happened before. They cut my dose in half and have me come back 3-4 days later to find out it's done the opposite of what they said it would do.
But Susan tells me I'm just lowering my dosage from 150IU to 112.5 IU tonight - keeping the same lupron (.2) and taking the same amount of Menopur tomorrow morning.
Then they want me to go for monitoring again TOMORROW for E2 b/w and a U/S. Guess it's time to see what those follies are doing! I'm sure this way they can tell if I'm going up too fast or if they should hold me steady. In a way I'm so excited because stuff is happening - at the same time, ugh, another doctor's appt.
I also have to go to a different lab at 8:15am tomorrow morning to have my FDA testing done. (only specific labs do it). So yay for getting pricked 3x in 2 days. But at least that will be done!
I hope things look good tomorrow, whatever they are looking for. It would be so exciting to have a good cycle for once! I really love what this doctor has done - I think she's definitely crafted a good protocol for me!
We Said No
The title is so painful to write. We got a call about a profiling opportunity this weekend for a baby born in Indiana June 1st with a congenital heart defect, and I wanted to say yes so much. But in the end, we had to say no. Our first no.
Of all the times for this to happen. It couldn't have happened 2 weeks ago? Or two weeks from now? The timing was just so so bad. I'm the middle of stims and my retrieval won't be this week but next week We've spent so much money on this cycle and we would need to go pick up the baby and stay in Indiana for God knows how long until everything is approved and we can go home. With a son. A little baby boy who is undergoing surgery today for his heart but is otherwise perfect. Of all parents, *I* would know what that little baby is going through. I feel such a kinship with him even though I will never meet him or know anything else.
I wanted to tell the agency - if they can wait 2 weeks we'll go. I want him. I want him right now. But she said no, he would be discharged before then (how? I have no idea). so we had to let him go. And now this cycle I'm in the midst of probably won't work and what will happen is at the end of June we'll have no surrogate pregnancy and no adopted baby either - that's just how things go for me, right?
It wasn't guaranteed we would be picked either, but considering how we got a call on Saturday I think we were one of those only ones being considered.
That baby felt like mine, even though he wasn't. And isn't. And never will be.
Of all the times for this to happen. It couldn't have happened 2 weeks ago? Or two weeks from now? The timing was just so so bad. I'm the middle of stims and my retrieval won't be this week but next week We've spent so much money on this cycle and we would need to go pick up the baby and stay in Indiana for God knows how long until everything is approved and we can go home. With a son. A little baby boy who is undergoing surgery today for his heart but is otherwise perfect. Of all parents, *I* would know what that little baby is going through. I feel such a kinship with him even though I will never meet him or know anything else.
I wanted to tell the agency - if they can wait 2 weeks we'll go. I want him. I want him right now. But she said no, he would be discharged before then (how? I have no idea). so we had to let him go. And now this cycle I'm in the midst of probably won't work and what will happen is at the end of June we'll have no surrogate pregnancy and no adopted baby either - that's just how things go for me, right?
It wasn't guaranteed we would be picked either, but considering how we got a call on Saturday I think we were one of those only ones being considered.
That baby felt like mine, even though he wasn't. And isn't. And never will be.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Starting The Cycle
A few nights ago, I was feeling sort of worried about Gabby, so I sent her an email asking her if I was emailing too much. It wasn't quite what I wanted to say, but I didn't quite know how to put what I wanted to say.
I don't think I email her too much (she emails me more). But I do think my emails are sort of whiny, complainy, and down (I judge myself way harsher than she probably does, but I'm insecure like that) and I admit, i'm a control freak, so that's why I worry about things like when AF is going to come, etc. I would love to be able to talk with her like I can my closest work friend - to say, I'm so scared this cycle isn't going to work, that it makes me cry just thinking about it. But that would bring her down even more, and put pressure on her even though it really doesn't have to do with her (it has more to do with our embryos) because she doesn't understand that it really doesn't have to do with her.
Yea, did that make sense at all?
Provided her lining and everything looks ok, if it doesn't implant, it's most likely because of our embryos (or my eggs, i should really say). She's so convinced it's going to happen because she's such a great baby maker, but while a good uterus is obviously necessary, quality of the embryos matters more at first. If it doesn't happen I know she'll blame herself to an extent, and I feel bad because I know it won't be because of her.
But while I like Gabby, we haven't known each other long enough or well enough for me to spill out my heart like that. Instead I just wrote to her:
"Is this too much emailing for you? Sorry if I'm being a pain. Just trying to keep you in the loop on every little thing but I definitely don't have to if it's annoying! Just let me know :)"
Between you and me, the "keep you in the loop on every little thing" didn't really mean events going on, but more my feelings...
But I got this very nice message back the next morning...
Listen... if our positions were reversed I would be moving in with you for the duration of the whole process so no worries! :) I'm always on email, no issue!
Which helped me relax immensely.
That same day (this was Tuesday), towards the end of the day I emailed our cycle nurse (no longer Holly, now we have Susan) to ask her what happens if I never get a full on period. I mean, last month I barely had any bleeding when I went off BCP. She told me I should go in for baselines the next day just to see where I was. Great!
So yesterday I went in, and on U/S everything was quiet. The nurse doing the U/S said it looked like I wasn't going to bleed any more(super thin lining) but I had the beginnings of lots of little follies (woot!) and then my b/w came back, E2 was 37 and P4 was 0.3. Perfect! Suppressed (under 50) but not TOO suppressed! Susan emailed me later in the day that I could start taking stims!
So last night L gave me my first Gonal F injection. I think that pen is so cool. Plus the needles are super small. I'm starting off at 150F IU. Then this morning, I lowered my Lupron dosage to .2 and added a vial of menopur. I will be taking these until Monday when I go in for b/w again. It makes me a little nervous to be on that amount for so long without checking levels, because it seems like I never start meds high enough and it's all downhill after that, but L reminded me I'm on a lower dosage of lupron this time, and have menopur like I used in my last non-lupron cycle. I am really hoping for around 400 E2 on Monday. Fingers crossed.
P.S. - guess who got AF "full -on" today? Yup, this girl. *shakes head*
I don't think I email her too much (she emails me more). But I do think my emails are sort of whiny, complainy, and down (I judge myself way harsher than she probably does, but I'm insecure like that) and I admit, i'm a control freak, so that's why I worry about things like when AF is going to come, etc. I would love to be able to talk with her like I can my closest work friend - to say, I'm so scared this cycle isn't going to work, that it makes me cry just thinking about it. But that would bring her down even more, and put pressure on her even though it really doesn't have to do with her (it has more to do with our embryos) because she doesn't understand that it really doesn't have to do with her.
Yea, did that make sense at all?
Provided her lining and everything looks ok, if it doesn't implant, it's most likely because of our embryos (or my eggs, i should really say). She's so convinced it's going to happen because she's such a great baby maker, but while a good uterus is obviously necessary, quality of the embryos matters more at first. If it doesn't happen I know she'll blame herself to an extent, and I feel bad because I know it won't be because of her.
But while I like Gabby, we haven't known each other long enough or well enough for me to spill out my heart like that. Instead I just wrote to her:
"Is this too much emailing for you? Sorry if I'm being a pain. Just trying to keep you in the loop on every little thing but I definitely don't have to if it's annoying! Just let me know :)"
Between you and me, the "keep you in the loop on every little thing" didn't really mean events going on, but more my feelings...
But I got this very nice message back the next morning...
Listen... if our positions were reversed I would be moving in with you for the duration of the whole process so no worries! :) I'm always on email, no issue!
Which helped me relax immensely.
That same day (this was Tuesday), towards the end of the day I emailed our cycle nurse (no longer Holly, now we have Susan) to ask her what happens if I never get a full on period. I mean, last month I barely had any bleeding when I went off BCP. She told me I should go in for baselines the next day just to see where I was. Great!
So yesterday I went in, and on U/S everything was quiet. The nurse doing the U/S said it looked like I wasn't going to bleed any more(super thin lining) but I had the beginnings of lots of little follies (woot!) and then my b/w came back, E2 was 37 and P4 was 0.3. Perfect! Suppressed (under 50) but not TOO suppressed! Susan emailed me later in the day that I could start taking stims!
So last night L gave me my first Gonal F injection. I think that pen is so cool. Plus the needles are super small. I'm starting off at 150F IU. Then this morning, I lowered my Lupron dosage to .2 and added a vial of menopur. I will be taking these until Monday when I go in for b/w again. It makes me a little nervous to be on that amount for so long without checking levels, because it seems like I never start meds high enough and it's all downhill after that, but L reminded me I'm on a lower dosage of lupron this time, and have menopur like I used in my last non-lupron cycle. I am really hoping for around 400 E2 on Monday. Fingers crossed.
P.S. - guess who got AF "full -on" today? Yup, this girl. *shakes head*
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
No AF
Ugh. Had to cancel this mornings appt. because AF didn't come. I keep hoping it'll come today but so far nothing. I can't believe this.
I sent a message to Gabby letting her know and she was like, "it's going to be 9 mos. this is no big deal." But I have vacation starting 6/16. I need retrieval to happen before then and this is not turning out to be good. My last cycle (the one without lupron - lasted 19 DAYS from the first day of stims to the day of retrieval.
IVF #2 - with lupron and the one with my twins - it was 15 days from first day of stims to retrieval.
IVF #1 - the chemical - was 14 days.
If we go with the length of #2 as the average (as it was with lupron and this one is with lupron)...if I start TOMORROW (no guarantee the way things are going) then retrieval would be on June 13th.
If it's 19 days, I'm screwed, as that would take me out to June 17th.
Of course, if AF doesn't come today, I won't even be starting tomorrow, so you see how anxious I am about this...
We're only going to Maine, so it's not like I have plane tickets or anything. If need be, I suppose we can just meet our friends up there later in the week. That just stinks though :(
Sometimes I wish Gabby "got" infertility more. She simply doesn't think some things are a big deal. I rememeber when we first met her and her husband, he asked us if we watched Parenthood - and we were both like, "no...sorry, we try not to watch shows having to do with babies/parents..." it was awkward because we felt like Debbie Downers, but it seemed to us obvious why we wouldn't watch it. And in their heads they were probably thinking - this relationship is all about becoming parents, so these people would probably think this show is hilarious!
Gabby keeps trying to get me to watch Bill and Giuliana's reality show about their surrogacy. She's really into it. But I can't, at least not yet. When my surrogate is pregnant, then yeah, I can watch it. But not right now.
And so, whenever I'm anxious about something, I try to tell her because I want to be honest, but I'm finding I really can't, because she doesn't get it at all. Even many IP (intended parents) may not get it - it depends on your history. I read articles about Bill and Giuliana (that's much easier than watching a show) and she said that seeing her baby's HB was the happiest thing in her life. I bet Gabby will expect me to feel the same way.
But I won't. I saw the HB. More than once, more than twice. It was 4 times, and every time it was a great heartbeat, strong and fast. And then it was gone.
The day I will feel happiest? (Besides the birth of course). Probably when we make it into the second trimester - when we've surpassed how far I ever got with my babies.
Of course when viability comes around (28 weeks?) even better. 32 weeks - even better than that.
It's just different for me. And I don't think she gets that. 9 months is a huge deal for me. I will be worried for most of it. It's just the way I am.
I guess I didn't/couldn't convey that well enough to her in the beginning. And I don't know if she's really liking that about me now.
I can't help myself though. I will never relax until my baby(ies) are at home with me, safe and sound.
I sent a message to Gabby letting her know and she was like, "it's going to be 9 mos. this is no big deal." But I have vacation starting 6/16. I need retrieval to happen before then and this is not turning out to be good. My last cycle (the one without lupron - lasted 19 DAYS from the first day of stims to the day of retrieval.
IVF #2 - with lupron and the one with my twins - it was 15 days from first day of stims to retrieval.
IVF #1 - the chemical - was 14 days.
If we go with the length of #2 as the average (as it was with lupron and this one is with lupron)...if I start TOMORROW (no guarantee the way things are going) then retrieval would be on June 13th.
If it's 19 days, I'm screwed, as that would take me out to June 17th.
Of course, if AF doesn't come today, I won't even be starting tomorrow, so you see how anxious I am about this...
We're only going to Maine, so it's not like I have plane tickets or anything. If need be, I suppose we can just meet our friends up there later in the week. That just stinks though :(
Sometimes I wish Gabby "got" infertility more. She simply doesn't think some things are a big deal. I rememeber when we first met her and her husband, he asked us if we watched Parenthood - and we were both like, "no...sorry, we try not to watch shows having to do with babies/parents..." it was awkward because we felt like Debbie Downers, but it seemed to us obvious why we wouldn't watch it. And in their heads they were probably thinking - this relationship is all about becoming parents, so these people would probably think this show is hilarious!
Gabby keeps trying to get me to watch Bill and Giuliana's reality show about their surrogacy. She's really into it. But I can't, at least not yet. When my surrogate is pregnant, then yeah, I can watch it. But not right now.
And so, whenever I'm anxious about something, I try to tell her because I want to be honest, but I'm finding I really can't, because she doesn't get it at all. Even many IP (intended parents) may not get it - it depends on your history. I read articles about Bill and Giuliana (that's much easier than watching a show) and she said that seeing her baby's HB was the happiest thing in her life. I bet Gabby will expect me to feel the same way.
But I won't. I saw the HB. More than once, more than twice. It was 4 times, and every time it was a great heartbeat, strong and fast. And then it was gone.
The day I will feel happiest? (Besides the birth of course). Probably when we make it into the second trimester - when we've surpassed how far I ever got with my babies.
Of course when viability comes around (28 weeks?) even better. 32 weeks - even better than that.
It's just different for me. And I don't think she gets that. 9 months is a huge deal for me. I will be worried for most of it. It's just the way I am.
I guess I didn't/couldn't convey that well enough to her in the beginning. And I don't know if she's really liking that about me now.
I can't help myself though. I will never relax until my baby(ies) are at home with me, safe and sound.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Waiting for AF
Crap, crap, crap...where is AF??
I'm scheduled for baseline tomorrow at 8am but it needs to come today or I have to reschedule and our whole timeline will be thrown off. I've been feeling it's about to come since yesterday but so far nothing...let's go!
I'm scheduled for baseline tomorrow at 8am but it needs to come today or I have to reschedule and our whole timeline will be thrown off. I've been feeling it's about to come since yesterday but so far nothing...let's go!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Last BCP
Last BCP tonight! Woohoo, so excited! Now I have to hope my period comes by Tuesday so that I can go in for baseline that day. If it doesn't, I have to push it off until it comes. I had a significant amount of breakthrough bleeding last week so I'm half afraid it won't come on time.
I spent a good portion of the day doing calculations to see when the end of the first trimester would be, the end of the second trimester, and so forth. Pretty ballsy for me - usually i think it's bad luck and I'm jinxing myself so I won't do it. But this time - screw it - it doesn't affect an outcome and I might as well enjoy myself now. Whether I "dream" now or not, it won't make things less sad later on if it doesn't work out. I'm a veteran. I know this by now.
Finally figured out my Blogger and posting issues! It had to do with some security issue I had on my laptop on home. I finally realized it had to be something related to that when I saw I had no problem posting from work, but had issues at home (yes, I sometimes post from work ::cringes::). But now it's fixed and I can post comments again for people!
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