One year ago today, a Sunday - we were in Boston while Gabby was induced. The girls weren't born until just after midnight on Monday, but this weekend I have been reminiscing. The year feels like a lifetime ago - I feel as if I've lived a million years since then. That's good, I swear.
We spent much of Friday night up with M, who threw up 6 times in 2 hours, poor girl. She stopped vomiting over that but has definitely been off all weekend. Luckily N hasn't gotten anything - YET. Hopefully she won't, because their first birthday party is next Saturday! We're doing a rainbow theme - I'm so excited. I love themes.
I don't really have babies anymore. I'm going to miss that. I pray that I get to experience it again in my lifetime, but if not, I am more than satisfied with my babies. They'll always be my babies, right?
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Feliz Navidad!
It's the first Christmas since my babies were born, the first Christmas I've been looking forward to for MANY years, the first one I'm not counting how old I am and bemoaning that I'm STILL waiting for OUR turn, and the first Christmas I'm not shunning all things holiday-ish, and what happens?
December 14th, just got our tree decorated and stockings hung. Only two weeks to actually enjoy it!!!
(I'm the girl who usually cuts down her tree the day after Thanksgiving and doesn't take it down until the Epiphany).
Untold numbers of Christmas knicknacks are STILL sitting in their boxes in the hallway, and I just told L to forget it. This house is full of enough stuff this year (a play yard that has taken over my house and holds them in baby jail), jumpers that line the hallway, that adding any more might put me over the edge.
Not at all how I pictured it. And yet, so awesome. I ordered new stockings for us this year, so they no longer read Ducky and L, but 'Mom' and 'Dad' and of course the girls have their names on them. They came and I cried.
This Grinch's heart has certainly grown.
December 14th, just got our tree decorated and stockings hung. Only two weeks to actually enjoy it!!!
(I'm the girl who usually cuts down her tree the day after Thanksgiving and doesn't take it down until the Epiphany).
Untold numbers of Christmas knicknacks are STILL sitting in their boxes in the hallway, and I just told L to forget it. This house is full of enough stuff this year (a play yard that has taken over my house and holds them in baby jail), jumpers that line the hallway, that adding any more might put me over the edge.
Not at all how I pictured it. And yet, so awesome. I ordered new stockings for us this year, so they no longer read Ducky and L, but 'Mom' and 'Dad' and of course the girls have their names on them. They came and I cried.
This Grinch's heart has certainly grown.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
And then, he's gone.
This week I received news that my first RE, Dr. H, the one who did IVFs 1 and 2 for us, the one who "accused" me of doing something to make my E2 levels drop from nearly 1400 to around 350 in 2 days, died. He was apparently diagnosed with some rare cancer earlier this year, had surgery, put his practice on hold, but unfortunately never recovered and died a few days ago. I am so sorry for his loss, and so sorry for all the families that he won't be able to help. He was the only doctor at this practice so I don't know exactly what will happen to it.
This has stirred up a lot of feelings...
This has stirred up a lot of feelings...
Sunday, September 29, 2013
8 months
8 months old! We started the new daycare September 1st. They are a little weird, but I absolutely love the care they are getting there, it's actually a lot better than the other place. It's very educational - they read books to them, they have a theme of the season (when we went to check out the place it was watermelon and now that it's fall, it is apples, where they do "activities" and read books about apples. They go outside twice a day, and I think they went outside about 3 times total in the 6 weeks at the other place.
Still this place is a lot more expensive, and just a hassle to get to, so I think we'll still switch to the other toddler daycare we loved when they are 18 months old - we'll save $100 a WEEK!
I am thinking their motor skills are a little delayed, as they're still not sitting up by themselves. I can sit them up and they'll stay up for a little while, but inevitably will do something that shakes their balance and they end up down again.
Still, N is rocking back and forth and starting to make a tiny bit of progress in crawling. M has just started doing the rocking back and forth (whereas N has been doing it for about a month) so she's behind N in that.
They are finally able (with a pillow) to sit in a restaurant high chair. They are so tiny that it's huge on them, hence why the pillow is needed but it's very cute :) We go on vacation for a week with friends next month so I'm excited to see how they do!
One year ago this weekend was our gender reveal party!
Still this place is a lot more expensive, and just a hassle to get to, so I think we'll still switch to the other toddler daycare we loved when they are 18 months old - we'll save $100 a WEEK!
I am thinking their motor skills are a little delayed, as they're still not sitting up by themselves. I can sit them up and they'll stay up for a little while, but inevitably will do something that shakes their balance and they end up down again.
Still, N is rocking back and forth and starting to make a tiny bit of progress in crawling. M has just started doing the rocking back and forth (whereas N has been doing it for about a month) so she's behind N in that.
They are finally able (with a pillow) to sit in a restaurant high chair. They are so tiny that it's huge on them, hence why the pillow is needed but it's very cute :) We go on vacation for a week with friends next month so I'm excited to see how they do!
One year ago this weekend was our gender reveal party!
Friday, August 16, 2013
Back in the swing of things, mostly!
It's been one month since the girls started daycare and two weeks since I went back to work! This poor blog is getting so neglected. It's so hard to find the time to write but I really want to...just not sure what to say most of the time.
The four day work week is helping, as Fridays are my day I get to catch up with the house ( a mis-nomer - I get a little bit done, but never enough!). It's nice to relax a bit though after a whole week of go go go.
Daycare has been pretty good so far. I was so nervous about it because I chose them so quickly (since I had no other choice) and they (the daycare teachers) are all REALLY young over there. But they seem to love the girls and they send me pics of the girls throughout the day quite often, in addition to me seeing every time they change, feed or nap. I'm addicted to that app.
But unfortunately, L's office is moving about 30 minutes away in November, and it will be really out of the way for us, so, in order not to be caught without a daycare like we were initially, we started looking a couple of weeks ago. First I called the daycare I wanted from the beginning because it has such a good reputation, but they once again were so snotty to me. I don't understand. I PAID an application fee over a year ago now and they told me I would able to start around the time I wanted. Not only do they still not have any spots, when I asked them when they thought they might be able to take the girls they were like, "Um...November, maybe December. Maybe not. And even then, there might be only 1 spot available." WTF did I pay $ for? I'm so angry about it.
So I googled around looking for other day cares and found a toddler daycare (starts at 18 months) nearby where L's office will be moving to. And while the girls couldn't start there till next August, I wanted to check it out to get on the list now and make sure I was definitely able to start when I wanted to. Even if we had to stay with the daycare that's out of the way for awhile, at some point we'd be able to switch over.
It was great. We loved it so much, and we talked to the director and were assured (without putting any money down) that they will call US and we are definitely in next year.
I called a few other places close to his work and got info, but didn't find glowing reviews about anyplace else except for this one in the federal building. I called and they said their waiting list was until about March 2014. Ugh. But I decided to fill out an application anyway since it was free (ahem, NO application fee!) and I wrote a note with it saying I had twins and was desperate to find a spot in the next few months since my husband's job was moving.
Long shot, but the very next day after I mailed it they called me and said they had two spots opening in September. Whoa! Now really, September is a little bit earlier than we need, but beggars can't be choosers. L and I went and visited it and liked it very much. I think the commute is going to be a bit rough for me for awhile as I'll be the one dropping off and picking up and L is the one who does that right now but hopefully it'll be ok.
But it's so funny how when you have choices all of a sudden you want to stay where you area. I really don't want to give up this app, and our new daycare is not as tech friendly and does the normal "paper at the end of the day" but that's it.
So we went back and forth but finally decided to go with the new daycare. The teachers are more well established (have been there over 10 years!!) and there's a big educational component to it. The girls at our current place are very nice and care for them adequately but there isn't the educational component. Other pluses: they will make bottles for us (no more having to make 8 bottles the night before to bring!), and when they start drinking cows milk around a year, they get their milk from a local dairy!
Still I am going to miss where they are and the constant updates! This will definitely take a little getting used to!
Oh, and just because this is awesome: :)
The four day work week is helping, as Fridays are my day I get to catch up with the house ( a mis-nomer - I get a little bit done, but never enough!). It's nice to relax a bit though after a whole week of go go go.
Daycare has been pretty good so far. I was so nervous about it because I chose them so quickly (since I had no other choice) and they (the daycare teachers) are all REALLY young over there. But they seem to love the girls and they send me pics of the girls throughout the day quite often, in addition to me seeing every time they change, feed or nap. I'm addicted to that app.
But unfortunately, L's office is moving about 30 minutes away in November, and it will be really out of the way for us, so, in order not to be caught without a daycare like we were initially, we started looking a couple of weeks ago. First I called the daycare I wanted from the beginning because it has such a good reputation, but they once again were so snotty to me. I don't understand. I PAID an application fee over a year ago now and they told me I would able to start around the time I wanted. Not only do they still not have any spots, when I asked them when they thought they might be able to take the girls they were like, "Um...November, maybe December. Maybe not. And even then, there might be only 1 spot available." WTF did I pay $ for? I'm so angry about it.
So I googled around looking for other day cares and found a toddler daycare (starts at 18 months) nearby where L's office will be moving to. And while the girls couldn't start there till next August, I wanted to check it out to get on the list now and make sure I was definitely able to start when I wanted to. Even if we had to stay with the daycare that's out of the way for awhile, at some point we'd be able to switch over.
It was great. We loved it so much, and we talked to the director and were assured (without putting any money down) that they will call US and we are definitely in next year.
I called a few other places close to his work and got info, but didn't find glowing reviews about anyplace else except for this one in the federal building. I called and they said their waiting list was until about March 2014. Ugh. But I decided to fill out an application anyway since it was free (ahem, NO application fee!) and I wrote a note with it saying I had twins and was desperate to find a spot in the next few months since my husband's job was moving.
Long shot, but the very next day after I mailed it they called me and said they had two spots opening in September. Whoa! Now really, September is a little bit earlier than we need, but beggars can't be choosers. L and I went and visited it and liked it very much. I think the commute is going to be a bit rough for me for awhile as I'll be the one dropping off and picking up and L is the one who does that right now but hopefully it'll be ok.
But it's so funny how when you have choices all of a sudden you want to stay where you area. I really don't want to give up this app, and our new daycare is not as tech friendly and does the normal "paper at the end of the day" but that's it.
So we went back and forth but finally decided to go with the new daycare. The teachers are more well established (have been there over 10 years!!) and there's a big educational component to it. The girls at our current place are very nice and care for them adequately but there isn't the educational component. Other pluses: they will make bottles for us (no more having to make 8 bottles the night before to bring!), and when they start drinking cows milk around a year, they get their milk from a local dairy!
Still I am going to miss where they are and the constant updates! This will definitely take a little getting used to!
Oh, and just because this is awesome: :)
Friday, July 12, 2013
Almost Daycare Time!
Last day home alone with the babies!! I think a little picture of today is appropriate to post here! :)
Not the best quality photo (darn iPhone!) but I still love it. M is grabbing onto N who is smiling at me :) I'm going to hold it in my heart next week while they're away.
I don't go back to work myself for another 2.5 weeks but we had a huge mix up with daycare and this was the best we could do. I'm not sure if I ever wrote about it here. Last year while "pregnant" (seriously this was at about 8 weeks) I checked out a few daycares and decided upon one. Filled out and paid the application fee and everything. Of course I was nervous because I needed room for TWO babies, not just one!
Fast forward to early June and I still hadn't heard about them starting daycare in August, which is what I had wanted. I call to double check and they tell me I'm still on a waiting list. What waiting list? There hadn't been any when I originally signed up. Well apparently they had a lot of sibling births inbetween, which I COMPLETELY understand but what I didn't understand is why they didn't let me know? What is the purpose of the application fee if they just get to ignore me forever? So the 1 year I thought I had on everyone else disappeared and I was completely without a daycare when I went back to work. So I called around and just luckily found a daycare that could take the both of them but they had to start mid-July instead of August. I was just so lucky to get a place where they both could go (instead of having to drive to two different ones) so quickly. We went and checked them out and they were fine so we put down our deposit. It's really close to L's job which is great but L's job will be moving in late fall so hopefully our first place will open up by then. Also the first place is a little cheaper than the new place, and I did like it better (they teach the babies sign language!) but this place will be fine for awhile.
In a way I am grateful I have a few weeks before I have to go back to work because A) I REALLY need to clean my house which has been severely neglected over the last 5+ months and B) I won't feel as guilty because I'll be at home and close by instead of at work and harder to leave if necessary. Of course I'm not grateful for having to pay for another few weeks :)
Not the best quality photo (darn iPhone!) but I still love it. M is grabbing onto N who is smiling at me :) I'm going to hold it in my heart next week while they're away.
I don't go back to work myself for another 2.5 weeks but we had a huge mix up with daycare and this was the best we could do. I'm not sure if I ever wrote about it here. Last year while "pregnant" (seriously this was at about 8 weeks) I checked out a few daycares and decided upon one. Filled out and paid the application fee and everything. Of course I was nervous because I needed room for TWO babies, not just one!
Fast forward to early June and I still hadn't heard about them starting daycare in August, which is what I had wanted. I call to double check and they tell me I'm still on a waiting list. What waiting list? There hadn't been any when I originally signed up. Well apparently they had a lot of sibling births inbetween, which I COMPLETELY understand but what I didn't understand is why they didn't let me know? What is the purpose of the application fee if they just get to ignore me forever? So the 1 year I thought I had on everyone else disappeared and I was completely without a daycare when I went back to work. So I called around and just luckily found a daycare that could take the both of them but they had to start mid-July instead of August. I was just so lucky to get a place where they both could go (instead of having to drive to two different ones) so quickly. We went and checked them out and they were fine so we put down our deposit. It's really close to L's job which is great but L's job will be moving in late fall so hopefully our first place will open up by then. Also the first place is a little cheaper than the new place, and I did like it better (they teach the babies sign language!) but this place will be fine for awhile.
In a way I am grateful I have a few weeks before I have to go back to work because A) I REALLY need to clean my house which has been severely neglected over the last 5+ months and B) I won't feel as guilty because I'll be at home and close by instead of at work and harder to leave if necessary. Of course I'm not grateful for having to pay for another few weeks :)
Friday, June 28, 2013
5 Months Old and the finished nursery!
5 months old today! My little monkeys are currently on the playmat while I type. M is 90% of the way turning over from back to front while in her cloth diaper (she can do it in disposables but cloth is so much bulkier) and N has her first tooth already! Growing up so fast! I'll be putting up pics on my other site soon.
A year and 3 days ago I found out Gabby was pregnant. I can't believe it was all a year ago - doesn't feel that long! We were on vacation with friends in Maine the whole week before and I had told her to test if she wanted. She had tested but didn't tell me! I was so nervous the whole week and really wish she would have because I was working myself into a tizzy that it hadn't worked since she hadn't given me any news. I figured it was because she was getting BFNs and didn't want to ruin my vacation - but I almost ruined it for myself thinking this! When I was back in the office on Monday the 25th I begged her to let me know if she'd tested and what the answer was as a way to prepare myself for the beta on the 26th. I didn't want the news to come from an overworked and cranky nurse. And then she said she'd been getting positives for awhile!! Whee!
Tomorrow is their baptism and I just hope everything goes well. We ordered catered food from a local restaurant and so far haven't been able to pay for it (wouldn't you think they'd be all over that?). Every time I try to call and pay it's almost like I'm bothering them! I'm trying to come up with a back up plan but I'm just really annoyed about it. Also, the priest doing our baptism seems to be all over the place and forget about us one day to the next. When we met with him during baptism class, he forgot about a funeral!! So yea, I'm worried about him remembering about us too.
I finally took pictures of the finished nursery! Only took me 5 months to remember to take them! I'm going to submit them to Apartment Therapy even though I don't take great pictures. I love this room!
A year and 3 days ago I found out Gabby was pregnant. I can't believe it was all a year ago - doesn't feel that long! We were on vacation with friends in Maine the whole week before and I had told her to test if she wanted. She had tested but didn't tell me! I was so nervous the whole week and really wish she would have because I was working myself into a tizzy that it hadn't worked since she hadn't given me any news. I figured it was because she was getting BFNs and didn't want to ruin my vacation - but I almost ruined it for myself thinking this! When I was back in the office on Monday the 25th I begged her to let me know if she'd tested and what the answer was as a way to prepare myself for the beta on the 26th. I didn't want the news to come from an overworked and cranky nurse. And then she said she'd been getting positives for awhile!! Whee!
Tomorrow is their baptism and I just hope everything goes well. We ordered catered food from a local restaurant and so far haven't been able to pay for it (wouldn't you think they'd be all over that?). Every time I try to call and pay it's almost like I'm bothering them! I'm trying to come up with a back up plan but I'm just really annoyed about it. Also, the priest doing our baptism seems to be all over the place and forget about us one day to the next. When we met with him during baptism class, he forgot about a funeral!! So yea, I'm worried about him remembering about us too.
I finally took pictures of the finished nursery! Only took me 5 months to remember to take them! I'm going to submit them to Apartment Therapy even though I don't take great pictures. I love this room!
Sunday, June 9, 2013
A Year of Firsts
A year of first is upon us...starting with tomorrow. June 10, 2012 I had my egg retrieval that resulted in my two beautiful little girls napping in their cribs right now.
One year ago today, I wrote this post, lamenting the fact that once again, my IVF cycle was not going as planned. My E2 went up to 1839 and then dropped precipitously, to 1474.
We ended up with 8 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, and only 3 fertilized. No one has ever been able to tell me why my E2 drops like that when my eggs are pretty clearly "good."
We went downstate yesterday to take our Catholic baptism class. I actually enjoyed it very much! It was given by one of the deacons and was very practical, I appreciated it. Afterwards my parents invited my inlaws and my brother and SIL and her parents came over for lunch. Long day, and the girls didn't nap a lot. But they are so well-behaved. I'm so proud and I'm pretty sure we don't have anything to do with it. I watched my brother trying to get his 10 week old son to sleep for well over an hour and am so grateful my two girls are such great sleepers - seriously, like 5 minutes to get them to sleep 95% of the time.
This morning, we dropped the girls off at the church daycare and went to the protestant church again, then took a tour of the church for people who want to be new members. This church is so open, I really love it, but I really miss my Catholic church sometimes...if nothing else because it's familiar. Yesterday at the class I saw a pamphlet on "Easy Catholic questions" and learned that Catholics really must go to church really only ONE time per year, the Easter service. That's not really true, since I'm pretty sure not going to mass is a sin (or so I was taught) but I started thinking today, maybe we could join BOTH churches - go to the Protestant church regularly, but go to the Catholic church at least once a year (although I love midnight masses, so maybe twice). Then my kids could get the benefit of both. I don't think I have the guts to tell either one of them (the churches) though. I asked L if he would be ok with that, and he said yes, and that it might be nice because they could benefit from the diversity of knowing both. So that might be the plan. A weird one, but nonetheless something that would make me happy :)
One year ago today, I wrote this post, lamenting the fact that once again, my IVF cycle was not going as planned. My E2 went up to 1839 and then dropped precipitously, to 1474.
We ended up with 8 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, and only 3 fertilized. No one has ever been able to tell me why my E2 drops like that when my eggs are pretty clearly "good."
We went downstate yesterday to take our Catholic baptism class. I actually enjoyed it very much! It was given by one of the deacons and was very practical, I appreciated it. Afterwards my parents invited my inlaws and my brother and SIL and her parents came over for lunch. Long day, and the girls didn't nap a lot. But they are so well-behaved. I'm so proud and I'm pretty sure we don't have anything to do with it. I watched my brother trying to get his 10 week old son to sleep for well over an hour and am so grateful my two girls are such great sleepers - seriously, like 5 minutes to get them to sleep 95% of the time.
This morning, we dropped the girls off at the church daycare and went to the protestant church again, then took a tour of the church for people who want to be new members. This church is so open, I really love it, but I really miss my Catholic church sometimes...if nothing else because it's familiar. Yesterday at the class I saw a pamphlet on "Easy Catholic questions" and learned that Catholics really must go to church really only ONE time per year, the Easter service. That's not really true, since I'm pretty sure not going to mass is a sin (or so I was taught) but I started thinking today, maybe we could join BOTH churches - go to the Protestant church regularly, but go to the Catholic church at least once a year (although I love midnight masses, so maybe twice). Then my kids could get the benefit of both. I don't think I have the guts to tell either one of them (the churches) though. I asked L if he would be ok with that, and he said yes, and that it might be nice because they could benefit from the diversity of knowing both. So that might be the plan. A weird one, but nonetheless something that would make me happy :)
Monday, June 3, 2013
Hidy Ho
I am amazed at how much my blogging time has been curtailed lately. The first 4-6 weeks I was like, "I can do this, no problem!" and now I think "Oh I want to write about that," and then in never happens.
The girls are 4 months now and doing great. N is a little squealer - she doesn't laugh, but she gives these squealy shrieks of happiness. I love it. M is starting to become quite the babbler. She smiles, not as often as N who just grins, and is definitely the "quieter" of the two, no laughing or squealing from her, but she loves to talk, mostly to herself. And blow bubbles.
N had quite the growth spurt a few weeks ago where my pediatrician's office suggested starting her on solids because she was drinking so much, but I really don't want to go there before 6 months. I had a talk with my actual pediatrician (as opposed to the phone nurses) and have a bit better idea that I'll just "know" when it's time, and I feel more comfortable about it, even if it's before 6 months.
I was in Target yesterday because we were in desperate need of more bibs (N goes through a lot!) and I came across those rubber coated spoons and the thought of starting solids just thrilled me. So I went and took a look at all the options out there. "Baby's First Carrots" and all the jars and pouches there are. So much fun! And I was so filled with happiness I almost wanted to cry (why or why am I always so emotional?). Because there's always going to be something new to look forward to with these girls. Solids, and sitting up (unassisted) and crawling, and walking, saying words, etc. etc. A whole new world, hell a whole new life has opened up. Finally, I have it. It's so exciting.
And L and I were talking about this Thanksgiving and we realized the girls will actually be able to have some sweet potatoes and maybe a tiny bit of mushed/very cut up turkey. There's just so much to look forward to!
We are baptizing them at the end of this month in the Catholic church, back in my hometown. But we are looking for a church up here where we live and I'm not sure we will stay with Catholic. We checked out a Protestant church here Sunday that we liked very much. They have free daycare during church! I guess churches are starting to do this now because it certainly wasn't available when I was little! So we dropped them off there and then had a peaceful hour in church together, just the two of us. After the hour was over we went back to get them and the childcare people didn't want to give them up :)
AF is late again this month (after a couple of very on time months). I actually thought I might be pregnant - good timing for DTD (even though we didn't do that with the intention of TTC), sore boobs, even got sick the other day after dinner which was very random, so I took a test this morning and total BFN. It wouldn't be the ideal time anyway AND I'd probably miscarry again anyway, but I admit I was still hopeful. Sheesh. I really need to get on and take my Metformin regularly and I've been really bad about it. I'll take it on time for a few days but then forget and only take it 1x a day or go a few days without it altogether. Because my eating schedule is all over the place and because I'm supposed to take it with meals, it's really not regular.
2 more months of maternity leave and then back to work. I can't believe I've been out over 4 months already! I wish I could work part time - I'm ready to get out a bit more but the thought of trying to juggle everything and a FT job scares me!
The girls are 4 months now and doing great. N is a little squealer - she doesn't laugh, but she gives these squealy shrieks of happiness. I love it. M is starting to become quite the babbler. She smiles, not as often as N who just grins, and is definitely the "quieter" of the two, no laughing or squealing from her, but she loves to talk, mostly to herself. And blow bubbles.
N had quite the growth spurt a few weeks ago where my pediatrician's office suggested starting her on solids because she was drinking so much, but I really don't want to go there before 6 months. I had a talk with my actual pediatrician (as opposed to the phone nurses) and have a bit better idea that I'll just "know" when it's time, and I feel more comfortable about it, even if it's before 6 months.
I was in Target yesterday because we were in desperate need of more bibs (N goes through a lot!) and I came across those rubber coated spoons and the thought of starting solids just thrilled me. So I went and took a look at all the options out there. "Baby's First Carrots" and all the jars and pouches there are. So much fun! And I was so filled with happiness I almost wanted to cry (why or why am I always so emotional?). Because there's always going to be something new to look forward to with these girls. Solids, and sitting up (unassisted) and crawling, and walking, saying words, etc. etc. A whole new world, hell a whole new life has opened up. Finally, I have it. It's so exciting.
And L and I were talking about this Thanksgiving and we realized the girls will actually be able to have some sweet potatoes and maybe a tiny bit of mushed/very cut up turkey. There's just so much to look forward to!
We are baptizing them at the end of this month in the Catholic church, back in my hometown. But we are looking for a church up here where we live and I'm not sure we will stay with Catholic. We checked out a Protestant church here Sunday that we liked very much. They have free daycare during church! I guess churches are starting to do this now because it certainly wasn't available when I was little! So we dropped them off there and then had a peaceful hour in church together, just the two of us. After the hour was over we went back to get them and the childcare people didn't want to give them up :)
AF is late again this month (after a couple of very on time months). I actually thought I might be pregnant - good timing for DTD (even though we didn't do that with the intention of TTC), sore boobs, even got sick the other day after dinner which was very random, so I took a test this morning and total BFN. It wouldn't be the ideal time anyway AND I'd probably miscarry again anyway, but I admit I was still hopeful. Sheesh. I really need to get on and take my Metformin regularly and I've been really bad about it. I'll take it on time for a few days but then forget and only take it 1x a day or go a few days without it altogether. Because my eating schedule is all over the place and because I'm supposed to take it with meals, it's really not regular.
2 more months of maternity leave and then back to work. I can't believe I've been out over 4 months already! I wish I could work part time - I'm ready to get out a bit more but the thought of trying to juggle everything and a FT job scares me!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
On This Mother's Day
One of the best things I've ever read on infertility and Mother's Day. From http://inconceivablebook.com/blog/ivf/dear-infertile-friend-my-mothers-day-gift-for-you/
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Dear Infertile Friend,
I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you this Mother’s Day. Of course, I think of you every day, but on this day, which I know is particularly difficult for you, I want you to know that you’re in my heart. I imagine, at times, it may seem that I’m oblivious to your struggles. As if somehow I’ve forgotten what it was like to stand in your shoes. I assure you, I haven’t. In fact, I’ll never, ever forget what it was like to walk the very lonely and scary path of infertility. I acutely remember when Mother’s Day was a reminder of everything I wasn’t, instead of a celebration of everything I ever wanted to be.
In honor of Mother’s Day I want to give you a gift. A gift I hope you’ll treasure. It’s not a magic bullet. I don’t have one of those. Instead, it’s a promise—actually a few promises. Promises that I hope will sustain you through your journey.
I promise not to give you unsolicited advice about conceiving. I know you are relaxing. That stress isn’t the problem and a vacation isn’t the answer. I’m also very aware that how it finally worked for me (or my cousin or my neighbor or my grandma’s friend’s great-niece) probably isn’t the cure for you. I’ll never assume I have the answer to your prayers…I promise.
I promise not to complain about my kids in front of you. We all know that raising children is challenging. I’m also aware you’d give your left arm to be knee deep in messy diapers and snotty noses. There’ll be no child-related venting to you…I promise.
I promise to include you in our family related activities and understand when you decline. I know you love my family. I also understand being around little ones can be hard for you right now. I’ll be sad that you’re not there, so I’ll continue to pray fervently for your miracle…I promise.
Most importantly, I promise to be here when you need me. I’ll listen empathetically and squeeze your hand for encouragement. Lean on me when you need to—my shoulders will hold you up and my love for you will catch your tears. I’ll walk through this with you, admiring your bravery every step of the way…I promise.
Please accept this Mother’s Day gift. It’s a reminder that even though at times I may say or do the wrong thing, I know, in the depth of my soul, that you would make a terrific mother. I can’t wait for the day when we can celebrate this occasion differently. Until then, please remember you are not alone, my friend. Whatever—whenever—just say the word. I WILL be your biggest cheerleader…I promise.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dear Infertile Friend,
I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you this Mother’s Day. Of course, I think of you every day, but on this day, which I know is particularly difficult for you, I want you to know that you’re in my heart. I imagine, at times, it may seem that I’m oblivious to your struggles. As if somehow I’ve forgotten what it was like to stand in your shoes. I assure you, I haven’t. In fact, I’ll never, ever forget what it was like to walk the very lonely and scary path of infertility. I acutely remember when Mother’s Day was a reminder of everything I wasn’t, instead of a celebration of everything I ever wanted to be.
In honor of Mother’s Day I want to give you a gift. A gift I hope you’ll treasure. It’s not a magic bullet. I don’t have one of those. Instead, it’s a promise—actually a few promises. Promises that I hope will sustain you through your journey.
I promise not to give you unsolicited advice about conceiving. I know you are relaxing. That stress isn’t the problem and a vacation isn’t the answer. I’m also very aware that how it finally worked for me (or my cousin or my neighbor or my grandma’s friend’s great-niece) probably isn’t the cure for you. I’ll never assume I have the answer to your prayers…I promise.
I promise not to complain about my kids in front of you. We all know that raising children is challenging. I’m also aware you’d give your left arm to be knee deep in messy diapers and snotty noses. There’ll be no child-related venting to you…I promise.
I promise to include you in our family related activities and understand when you decline. I know you love my family. I also understand being around little ones can be hard for you right now. I’ll be sad that you’re not there, so I’ll continue to pray fervently for your miracle…I promise.
Most importantly, I promise to be here when you need me. I’ll listen empathetically and squeeze your hand for encouragement. Lean on me when you need to—my shoulders will hold you up and my love for you will catch your tears. I’ll walk through this with you, admiring your bravery every step of the way…I promise.
Please accept this Mother’s Day gift. It’s a reminder that even though at times I may say or do the wrong thing, I know, in the depth of my soul, that you would make a terrific mother. I can’t wait for the day when we can celebrate this occasion differently. Until then, please remember you are not alone, my friend. Whatever—whenever—just say the word. I WILL be your biggest cheerleader…I promise.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Full Circle
I just took a look back at last year's posts around this time. I was just starting my lupron for the cycle that resulted in my two little beauties. I was completely anti-Mother's Day and so bitter I spent the day in bed.
The year before that I was pregnant with twins. I miscarried at the end of May.
The year before that I'd just had an M/C in April and was in a Clomid cycle.
The year before that (pre-blog) was a few months after my first ever M/C.
We just received a check back from the surrogacy agency for the amount of money left in the IOLTA fund. Gabby is fully compensated and all bills paid. We are DONE with surrogacy.
And in its wake, we have these girls, and I am a mom.
Full circle. In one year.
I know in this respect we've been extremely lucky. Lucky that it worked the first time, that my eggs were good enough that even though we only got 3 out of that last IVF cycle, it all was successful in the end.
It's amazing to think this journey is over.
The girls are almost 15 weeks now (really 14.5) and each week is getting easier. They are currently on their backs in the same crib staring at the mobile. (That is a feat in itself, they hate being on their backs in the crib unless it's bedtime. :) I realize I treat them more like siblings that are the same age than "twins" - I don't know if I've ever put them in the same outfit even. My mom, who apparently always wanted twins so much she tried to dress me and my 8 year younger sister the same when I was 11(!!!) does not understand this and tries to buy everything the same, but to me they are so different. If they were identical that might make it easier to do so.
This week is the first week I thought I might be able to go to work. I really don't know how women do it at 6 weeks! I am glad I still have another 2 months to go - maybe I can enjoy the spring/early summer!!
I'll admit it, after years of hating Mother's Day, this year I am very excited for it. It feels like a victory lap.
But this is what I'll be posting on FB on Mother's Day.
http://messymiddle.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
The year before that I was pregnant with twins. I miscarried at the end of May.
The year before that I'd just had an M/C in April and was in a Clomid cycle.
The year before that (pre-blog) was a few months after my first ever M/C.
We just received a check back from the surrogacy agency for the amount of money left in the IOLTA fund. Gabby is fully compensated and all bills paid. We are DONE with surrogacy.
And in its wake, we have these girls, and I am a mom.
Full circle. In one year.
I know in this respect we've been extremely lucky. Lucky that it worked the first time, that my eggs were good enough that even though we only got 3 out of that last IVF cycle, it all was successful in the end.
It's amazing to think this journey is over.
The girls are almost 15 weeks now (really 14.5) and each week is getting easier. They are currently on their backs in the same crib staring at the mobile. (That is a feat in itself, they hate being on their backs in the crib unless it's bedtime. :) I realize I treat them more like siblings that are the same age than "twins" - I don't know if I've ever put them in the same outfit even. My mom, who apparently always wanted twins so much she tried to dress me and my 8 year younger sister the same when I was 11(!!!) does not understand this and tries to buy everything the same, but to me they are so different. If they were identical that might make it easier to do so.
This week is the first week I thought I might be able to go to work. I really don't know how women do it at 6 weeks! I am glad I still have another 2 months to go - maybe I can enjoy the spring/early summer!!
I'll admit it, after years of hating Mother's Day, this year I am very excited for it. It feels like a victory lap.
But this is what I'll be posting on FB on Mother's Day.
http://messymiddle.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
Sunday, May 5, 2013
International Bereaved Mother's Day
The first Sunday of every May is International Bereaved Mother's Day, for all the women of this world who hold some, if not all, of their children in their hearts and those who yearn to even just conceive a child. Sending out my love to all of you who this applies to. I know I have dreaded the coming Mother's Day for years.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Boston
Boston has become like a second hometown in the last 6 years. Monday's bombing shook me and like many, I felt so sad and sickened by people who could do this.
Before 2007, I had been to Boston one time, to visit a friend from high school at Boston University. I don't think we even did anything in Boston proper, but went to a college hockey game, that's it.
In 2007, my New York cardologist told me there was nothing more they could do for me. I asked for a second opinion, and she gave me the names of three adult congenital heart doctors, one in Philly (CHOP), one at the Mayo Clinic, and one at Boston Children's Hospital. Boston was closest so I decided to try there first, and then work out to the others (especially since Mayo seemed like the best place, just because it's the MAYO). But I never got to try any others out, because Dr. Mike at Boston Children's Adult Congenital Heart Clinic was just the most awesome person, and since then we have been through so much together. He was there during my first pregnancy before my second open heart surgery when things didn't look good for me or the baby, and I remember him telling us he wished it wasn't professionally inappropriate to have us over his house because he knew the pain we were in. He oversaw my 2009 second open heart surgery, promising me that they could "fix" this, even though Columbia Presbyterian had written me (and my life) off. He did three more of my heart catheterizations, putting stents in, until he was able to give me the green light to go and get pregnant again. I never managed to hang onto a pregnancy, but being able to try and get pregnant, even if not succeeding, was so much better than never been allowed to try at all.
For those not from the area, Boston Children's is attached (literally) to a number of other hospitals, via glass "bridges" - including Brigham and Women's, Dana Farber Institute, etc. So even though my surgery was at Boston Children's, my recovery was at Brigham and Women's, and Dr. Mike has privileges there as well (he is Harvard Med affiliated, so has a number of privileges, I assume), and he would visit me daily in the hospital. Brigham and Women's was as great as Boston Children's in their care of me was fantastic. It was why I knew I wanted a gestational carrier who would agree to give birth there, because it's such a fantastic place - not only a Level 1 Trauma Center, but a Level 3 NICU unit.
So in a way, Boston Children's and Brigham and Women's has given me 3 lives, my children's and my own. And I despite the tragedy of Monday, I was so glad those injured were so close to not only BWH and Boston Children's but all the hospitals of Boston that are so fantastic. And not that Dr. Mike would likely have much to do with trauma victims, but I know how much those doctors care about their patients. About 30 of the injured were sent to BWH and 8 injured children were sent to Boston Children's.
I was last in Boston about 11 weeks ago now, and it's not like I'm there all that often. But I have spent so much time in the Copley area whenever I am there (we would priceline hotels for the Copley area since we often went the night before an appointment since it was such a drive) so I feel so sad the site has become such a crime scene and I pray for those killed affected by such a cowardly person or people.
Before 2007, I had been to Boston one time, to visit a friend from high school at Boston University. I don't think we even did anything in Boston proper, but went to a college hockey game, that's it.
In 2007, my New York cardologist told me there was nothing more they could do for me. I asked for a second opinion, and she gave me the names of three adult congenital heart doctors, one in Philly (CHOP), one at the Mayo Clinic, and one at Boston Children's Hospital. Boston was closest so I decided to try there first, and then work out to the others (especially since Mayo seemed like the best place, just because it's the MAYO). But I never got to try any others out, because Dr. Mike at Boston Children's Adult Congenital Heart Clinic was just the most awesome person, and since then we have been through so much together. He was there during my first pregnancy before my second open heart surgery when things didn't look good for me or the baby, and I remember him telling us he wished it wasn't professionally inappropriate to have us over his house because he knew the pain we were in. He oversaw my 2009 second open heart surgery, promising me that they could "fix" this, even though Columbia Presbyterian had written me (and my life) off. He did three more of my heart catheterizations, putting stents in, until he was able to give me the green light to go and get pregnant again. I never managed to hang onto a pregnancy, but being able to try and get pregnant, even if not succeeding, was so much better than never been allowed to try at all.
For those not from the area, Boston Children's is attached (literally) to a number of other hospitals, via glass "bridges" - including Brigham and Women's, Dana Farber Institute, etc. So even though my surgery was at Boston Children's, my recovery was at Brigham and Women's, and Dr. Mike has privileges there as well (he is Harvard Med affiliated, so has a number of privileges, I assume), and he would visit me daily in the hospital. Brigham and Women's was as great as Boston Children's in their care of me was fantastic. It was why I knew I wanted a gestational carrier who would agree to give birth there, because it's such a fantastic place - not only a Level 1 Trauma Center, but a Level 3 NICU unit.
So in a way, Boston Children's and Brigham and Women's has given me 3 lives, my children's and my own. And I despite the tragedy of Monday, I was so glad those injured were so close to not only BWH and Boston Children's but all the hospitals of Boston that are so fantastic. And not that Dr. Mike would likely have much to do with trauma victims, but I know how much those doctors care about their patients. About 30 of the injured were sent to BWH and 8 injured children were sent to Boston Children's.
I was last in Boston about 11 weeks ago now, and it's not like I'm there all that often. But I have spent so much time in the Copley area whenever I am there (we would priceline hotels for the Copley area since we often went the night before an appointment since it was such a drive) so I feel so sad the site has become such a crime scene and I pray for those killed affected by such a cowardly person or people.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
On Money and Taxes
Ugh...taxes are due next week. Oh, I'm sure you all know that already. We are usually so ahead of the game; filing by March 1st is usually considered late for us! But not this year...this year we have 5 days to go and still haven't filed. Obviously we've been busy, but we really need to get it together. It's just taking us a long time because we have additional things to worry about.
As usual, filing for my little side business, which isn't anything much, but it's still additional paperwork.
Then, filing for adoption expenses. We never finalized (obviously) but we still put out some money towards it, so we can claim our 2011 expenses this year. That is going to be nice, since it's a credit. I asked for and got a letter from our agency detailing our expenses, just in case we are audited. It's almost $4K so I am very excited to get that back.
Finally, medical deductions. Ugh. So I've read lots of mixed things on claiming surrogacy expenses. Some people say yes, some people say no. Tax people. I'm not a tax person, but I am an attorney so I went looking for some case law on it. And from what I've found it seems like if you have "medical infertility" then you should be able to claim it. So we're going to try. Now, my ILs paid for a good portion of it (because we never would have been able to) but we probably paid about 1/3 of it ourselves. I went through all of our receipts and bank statements for the last year and added up our expenses. It makes me want to cringe. Almost $80K from beginning to end.
And honestly, that's pretty good for surrogacy. For that we have two children, and no unexpected expenses. One adoption would have cost us $32K so in reality it's not bad at all. But thank God for my inlaws without which we NEVER would have been able to do this. (even if I do complain about them a lot :)
But trying to sort out all this stuff has taken a lot of time. We even considered filing an amended return but I think we'll get it done on time.
Ugh, taxes. And money. I hate them both.
As usual, filing for my little side business, which isn't anything much, but it's still additional paperwork.
Then, filing for adoption expenses. We never finalized (obviously) but we still put out some money towards it, so we can claim our 2011 expenses this year. That is going to be nice, since it's a credit. I asked for and got a letter from our agency detailing our expenses, just in case we are audited. It's almost $4K so I am very excited to get that back.
Finally, medical deductions. Ugh. So I've read lots of mixed things on claiming surrogacy expenses. Some people say yes, some people say no. Tax people. I'm not a tax person, but I am an attorney so I went looking for some case law on it. And from what I've found it seems like if you have "medical infertility" then you should be able to claim it. So we're going to try. Now, my ILs paid for a good portion of it (because we never would have been able to) but we probably paid about 1/3 of it ourselves. I went through all of our receipts and bank statements for the last year and added up our expenses. It makes me want to cringe. Almost $80K from beginning to end.
And honestly, that's pretty good for surrogacy. For that we have two children, and no unexpected expenses. One adoption would have cost us $32K so in reality it's not bad at all. But thank God for my inlaws without which we NEVER would have been able to do this. (even if I do complain about them a lot :)
But trying to sort out all this stuff has taken a lot of time. We even considered filing an amended return but I think we'll get it done on time.
Ugh, taxes. And money. I hate them both.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Mother's Helper
L and I have hired a mother's helper - really a friend of ours who is out of work right now. She's only going to come 2 days a week for 5 hours per day, and only until I can handle things a bit better, so I'm glad it's someone I know instead of hiring someone we don't know. Definitely more comfortable. She came for the first time today and it was awesome. I got so much done around the house and I think it was better for the girls too - they actually got more time being held and interacted with. Usually I change, feed, put back down quickly because I have to do the other one, and then if they are both "down" I have a few minutes to do something around the house, but it's so stressful and I've really felt bad that they don't have that much time with me. Or anyone. But today I had time to sit with each one of them for awhile and have some girl talk, while A was holding the other one. It was great! And I had real adult conversation as well - win win :) Plus she's doing things exactly the way I want things done (I'm so anal) and I showed her my cloth diapering technique and it's all good!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
I'm So Cranky
It's the lack of sleep getting to me. I can't wait to give these girls their last feeding tonight and go to bed.
Yesterday was the WORST day. It ended with me crying on the floor at midnight, which woke L up (who had only gone to bed the hour before).
The girls were fussy all day. Actually, fussy is putting it lightly, they cried, no, N SHRIEKED the entire day. I was at my wits end.
My work BFF (we no longer work together but this is how I identify her) has given us tons of her frozen breastmilk that she saved for us from when she was pumping last year. It's been great, and the girls have been gaining a ton on it. We used the Months 2-6 (age of her daughter at the time she pumped this milk) no problem, in fact the girls loved it. But it ran out and we recently got Months 7-9 from her, and the girls, N in particular, are just so much more fussy on it. I don't know why. They say that any breast milk, even if it's later in age than your actual baby can be considered better than formula (in terms of immunities - it's the same in terms of nutrition). But something in this milk was really bugging them. M was doing ok, but N seemed to be getting more and more fussy by the day, culminating in yesterday. So I dealt with her all day screaming, then L comes home from work and of course helps out a bit, but he has to go to bed early (it wasn't even early yesterday because he was helping me so much because I was so frustrated even before he went to bed) so I'm up with them till the early morning hours.
He's in bed and N again is screaming, and the thought of having to deal with her for the next few hours AND doing it all again in the morning just put me over the edge and I went into meltdown mode. It's at times like these that I get so so negative and start thinking about certain people (ahem, my MIL) who never offered help (not like she'd ever be there at midnight anyway even if she did so heaven knows why I go there in my thoughts) ...and I just started crying. L wakes up and finds me crying on the couch with Natalie who is still screaming and then I just felt so guilty on top of it, the boy needs to be up by 5am to do the morning shift with the girls while I sleep till he leaves for work and he's up at midnight. He can't get her to stop crying so he tells me to get M and we'll put them in the car and go for a ride (supposedly the best thing to do for a colicky baby). But of course, it's almost time for M's feeding so I can't go so he takes N by himself. I feed M the breast milk and she's fine with it (for being the smaller baby at birth her stomach seems to be able to handle a lot more than N's) and then put her bed and she falls asleep no problem.
At that point I say screw it in terms of the milk. I make up a pitcher of formula because it's at least consistent and I just have this feeling there's something in the breast milk bothering her.
L comes back about a half hour later with a quiet N, thank God! He goes back to bed. But she's totally awake and she soon starts crying again - I figure she's hungry I feed her the bottle of formula. For the first time all day she's totally quiet after I finish feeding her. I put her to bed and she's still quiet. OMG!
We had a bunch of breastmilk still thawing in the fridge so I gave it to M all day who tolerated it just fine and kept N on the formula. Today was a totally different day! Happy babies, babies who napped, I got stuff done (including starting cloth diapering again, I guess that's another post) ...it was wonderful! I totally felt like I could handle the world! I think N was fussy for about 1 hour and I felt my mood drop so much for that one hour - it's crazy how much it goes up and down! Then she was "good" again and I felt I could do this for weeks on end with no break if it kept up like this. Craziness.
We still have some more 9 month milk in the freezer downstairs but I think we're going to keep it there until they're closer to 9 months. I don't know what could have changed in my work BFF's diet in those few months but obviously something was different. It can't be a dairy intolerance because the formula is cow-based...it's so weird.
Now poor L ends up getting about 3 hours of sleep because M woke up at 3:30am and he's morning shift (I had just gone to bed the hour before) so I feel horrible. So today I made him go to bed as early as possible - seriously, he still hung on until 10pm. I really hope they will both stay asleep until 5am tomorrow (today)!
The lack of sleep is catching up with me as well and as I already said, I can't wait to finish up the feedings and go to bed.
But today I've:
I hope tomorrow is a good day too. I could use a few in a row.
Yesterday was the WORST day. It ended with me crying on the floor at midnight, which woke L up (who had only gone to bed the hour before).
The girls were fussy all day. Actually, fussy is putting it lightly, they cried, no, N SHRIEKED the entire day. I was at my wits end.
My work BFF (we no longer work together but this is how I identify her) has given us tons of her frozen breastmilk that she saved for us from when she was pumping last year. It's been great, and the girls have been gaining a ton on it. We used the Months 2-6 (age of her daughter at the time she pumped this milk) no problem, in fact the girls loved it. But it ran out and we recently got Months 7-9 from her, and the girls, N in particular, are just so much more fussy on it. I don't know why. They say that any breast milk, even if it's later in age than your actual baby can be considered better than formula (in terms of immunities - it's the same in terms of nutrition). But something in this milk was really bugging them. M was doing ok, but N seemed to be getting more and more fussy by the day, culminating in yesterday. So I dealt with her all day screaming, then L comes home from work and of course helps out a bit, but he has to go to bed early (it wasn't even early yesterday because he was helping me so much because I was so frustrated even before he went to bed) so I'm up with them till the early morning hours.
He's in bed and N again is screaming, and the thought of having to deal with her for the next few hours AND doing it all again in the morning just put me over the edge and I went into meltdown mode. It's at times like these that I get so so negative and start thinking about certain people (ahem, my MIL) who never offered help (not like she'd ever be there at midnight anyway even if she did so heaven knows why I go there in my thoughts) ...and I just started crying. L wakes up and finds me crying on the couch with Natalie who is still screaming and then I just felt so guilty on top of it, the boy needs to be up by 5am to do the morning shift with the girls while I sleep till he leaves for work and he's up at midnight. He can't get her to stop crying so he tells me to get M and we'll put them in the car and go for a ride (supposedly the best thing to do for a colicky baby). But of course, it's almost time for M's feeding so I can't go so he takes N by himself. I feed M the breast milk and she's fine with it (for being the smaller baby at birth her stomach seems to be able to handle a lot more than N's) and then put her bed and she falls asleep no problem.
At that point I say screw it in terms of the milk. I make up a pitcher of formula because it's at least consistent and I just have this feeling there's something in the breast milk bothering her.
L comes back about a half hour later with a quiet N, thank God! He goes back to bed. But she's totally awake and she soon starts crying again - I figure she's hungry I feed her the bottle of formula. For the first time all day she's totally quiet after I finish feeding her. I put her to bed and she's still quiet. OMG!
We had a bunch of breastmilk still thawing in the fridge so I gave it to M all day who tolerated it just fine and kept N on the formula. Today was a totally different day! Happy babies, babies who napped, I got stuff done (including starting cloth diapering again, I guess that's another post) ...it was wonderful! I totally felt like I could handle the world! I think N was fussy for about 1 hour and I felt my mood drop so much for that one hour - it's crazy how much it goes up and down! Then she was "good" again and I felt I could do this for weeks on end with no break if it kept up like this. Craziness.
We still have some more 9 month milk in the freezer downstairs but I think we're going to keep it there until they're closer to 9 months. I don't know what could have changed in my work BFF's diet in those few months but obviously something was different. It can't be a dairy intolerance because the formula is cow-based...it's so weird.
Now poor L ends up getting about 3 hours of sleep because M woke up at 3:30am and he's morning shift (I had just gone to bed the hour before) so I feel horrible. So today I made him go to bed as early as possible - seriously, he still hung on until 10pm. I really hope they will both stay asleep until 5am tomorrow (today)!
The lack of sleep is catching up with me as well and as I already said, I can't wait to finish up the feedings and go to bed.
But today I've:
- done laundry
- taken a shower
- given the girls a bath
- organized cloth diapering stuff
- cleaned out dresser drawer (it had turned into a "junk drawer" where we kept piling papers)
- paid bills
- wrote out a few more thank you cards/given a donation online/sympathy card
- done 16 feedings
- changed 20 diapers
- ordered stay dry liners for cloth diapers
- washed I don't know how many bottles
- requested birth certificates (just realized I had to send in a form and payment!)
I hope tomorrow is a good day too. I could use a few in a row.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
2 Month Birthday
It's been a whirlwind of a week - it's L's birthday today and we just got word that my SIL (the other one, my brother's wife) is in labor and probably pushing RIGHT now. She's due April 10th with her first so this seems early for a first (but not so early that it's scary). ETA: He's here!
Tuesday to Wednesday L and I left the girls with my parents for our first overnight without them and went to NYC. L has a conference in NYC for work twice a year and I usually am working so I don't go with him. But it was a good excuse for a break and my parents encouraged me to take one. I really enjoyed it. Not having to be at the girls' beck and call every 3 hours, actually sleeping in bed with L (I've felt like two ships passing in the night for awhile now) and "sleeping in" (the bed and pillows were actually not very comfortable and unfortunately i really didn't sleep well) were all great. I actually didn't see L much until 8pm but I met up with an old college friend who played hooky from work once he found out I was in the city and we went to the Museum of Natural History and saw an Imax movie. I LOVE Imax movies - but I was so tired I actually fell asleep halfway through it- haha.
I got to the museum about 15 minutes early and since it was a beautiful day I hung around by the cast iron fence on the corner drinking in the sun and letting myself gaze upon Central Park right across the street.
It was almost exactly 7 years ago (March 25, 2006) that the hubby fooled me into thinking we were going to the Museum of Natural History (one of my favorite places) and then brought me across the street to the Park and proposed. So much has happened since then, and most of it so tough, but the other day as I basked in the nice weather and looked at the park and realized we finally had our babies I could finally breathe. It was beautiful.
My friend J and I walked so much around the museum that by the time I got back to the hotel I was DEAD. Haven't done that much walking in forever! I couldn't even move to go get dinner (I was on my own because L had to go with work). So after debating it with a friend, I justified room service to myself (it actually wasn't that much more expensive than a meal in NYC anyway) as my friend said, "You can justify room service. You wait on 2 totally dependent people all day. Let someone wait on you." Sounded good to me!
Dinner was great and L finally got back around 9pm. When we checked into the hotel the front desk guy noticed it was L's birthday soon so he had given us two free drink tickets for the rooftop bar of the hotel and so we checked it out. Beautiful view! We sat on these huge cushions and relaxed and had a couple of good drinks before we headed back to our room for the night - completely exhausted.
We got back around 7pm last night and the girls were so fussy. They were off schedule and my parents hadn't put the nipples on our Avent bottles correctly, so I think they had sucked in a lot of air everytime they had a bottle. Ugh. Then this morning was their 2 month birthday! And we celebrated by them getting their two month vaccinations. At 8am. Who's bright idea was that? So the girls were miserable the rest of the day and I did NOTHING special for L, poor guy. First time ever. Last year I surprised him with a trip to Vermont and we went brewery hopping. This year he's lucky he got a card. :(
They got Tylenol the rest of the day and are doing better now, thank goodness. I am not looking forward to this again in 2 months!
Tuesday to Wednesday L and I left the girls with my parents for our first overnight without them and went to NYC. L has a conference in NYC for work twice a year and I usually am working so I don't go with him. But it was a good excuse for a break and my parents encouraged me to take one. I really enjoyed it. Not having to be at the girls' beck and call every 3 hours, actually sleeping in bed with L (I've felt like two ships passing in the night for awhile now) and "sleeping in" (the bed and pillows were actually not very comfortable and unfortunately i really didn't sleep well) were all great. I actually didn't see L much until 8pm but I met up with an old college friend who played hooky from work once he found out I was in the city and we went to the Museum of Natural History and saw an Imax movie. I LOVE Imax movies - but I was so tired I actually fell asleep halfway through it- haha.
I got to the museum about 15 minutes early and since it was a beautiful day I hung around by the cast iron fence on the corner drinking in the sun and letting myself gaze upon Central Park right across the street.
It was almost exactly 7 years ago (March 25, 2006) that the hubby fooled me into thinking we were going to the Museum of Natural History (one of my favorite places) and then brought me across the street to the Park and proposed. So much has happened since then, and most of it so tough, but the other day as I basked in the nice weather and looked at the park and realized we finally had our babies I could finally breathe. It was beautiful.
My friend J and I walked so much around the museum that by the time I got back to the hotel I was DEAD. Haven't done that much walking in forever! I couldn't even move to go get dinner (I was on my own because L had to go with work). So after debating it with a friend, I justified room service to myself (it actually wasn't that much more expensive than a meal in NYC anyway) as my friend said, "You can justify room service. You wait on 2 totally dependent people all day. Let someone wait on you." Sounded good to me!
 |
| View of the Empire State Building from the 19th floor! |
They got Tylenol the rest of the day and are doing better now, thank goodness. I am not looking forward to this again in 2 months!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Not Exactly What I Was Thinking
So my experiment to blog mostly about the girls at my other blog is sort of falling through. Sort of. And that's because I can't be fully honest there. Because my parents and my inlaws know about it and I can't really say everything I always want to say. It's sort of why I set up this place to begin with - to not have to worry about hurting the feelings of people I knew and yet I could be brutally honest. My place to vent. So I think I'm going to write more here about things BUT all pictures and stuff will be there and I'll only refer to initals and such here. Sorry to be such a PITA about it.
I blogged for so long about things and I feel like I haven't written much in the last 8 weeks, and that stinks. I'm never going to have this time again and I'll forget how I felt if I don't write it down.
I love my girls so much. They are just so perfect to me. I know every mom says that :) M is such a quiet, pensive little girl who just looks around and is curious. N is a diva, complaining about everything and loves to cuddle. Ha, I feel so bad writing that - I actually think she has colic, or a very sensitive stomach, because many times she's inconsolable and I can here the tummy rumbling.
In about half an hour, my girls will be 8 weeks old. 8 weeks ago I will have been in that delivery room watching them being born. When I was little on every birthday, my mom used to say, "8 years ago today I was sitting in our apartment and your father and uncle were packing it up (they were in the middle of moving my parents) when I said, we have to go to the hospital..." -giving me the birth story and I ate it up when I was little. I won't be able to say it in the same way but it's still so nice to think about.
And 8 weeks ago? It feels simultaneously like 8 days or 8 years! January feels like SO long ago. I can't believe it's almost April. And yet, I can't believe it's already April! It's a mess of contradictions.
I don't have to go back for awhile, but I am nervous about going back to work. There's so much work right now here with the girls, how the heck will I juggle all of that AND work?
My mom has been a godsend with the girls. She had been so excited throughout the 9 months of Gabby's pregnancy and knowing her, I was really afraid that she'd either be there every day in the very beginning and then get tired of it (I do live 2.5 hours away) OR she'd try to take over and make me do things her way. I have been so pleasantly surprised. She has come up and continues to come up whenever she is able, even driving the whole way by herself (she NEVER did that before they were born - in fact, I would see her about 4 times a year - and 3 of those times would be us driving down there!) and she has gone out of her way to do things the way I want them.
My MIL on the other hand...not much. She and my FIL actually came twice to Boston the week the girls were born and still in the hospital and I was flabbergasted, and thought maybe things would change, but then they came up once in February and once yesterday, for L's birthday. It makes me sad. But there's nothing I can do except continue to invite them and try not to care too much when they don't.
In the meantime, I definitely think I'm going to need some help. I'm alone with the girls 95% of the time and starting to go crazy with the wash, rinse repeat of feeding and changing. Especially when N is crying uncontrollably, which now sets M off. It can go on all day and makes me want to cry too at times. But amazingly enough, I have not done the thing that all my friends (who didn't experience infertility) told me I would do - Cry and wonder why I wanted this. No, it has never even crossed my mind. I wanted this. I wanted to not take a shower for 3 days and attempt to console and unconsolable baby. To change one baby's outfit 4 times in one day because she keeps peeing all over herself whenever I change her. To be a mom.
So I've cried, but more because I wish I had family who lived closer and could help. But I think we may look into getting a mother's helper for a few hours a day a few days a week. Would be awesome if I could get some cleaning done, or a load of laundry, or even run out to Tar.get to get some wipes if needed instead of loading them up and spending 3x as long, trying to get back in time so I don't ruin my schedule. It would be wonderful.
But either way, I am the happiest I think I've ever been in my life. And AF came yesterday, at 34 days, so that's a pretty good cycle for me! My back is hanging in there surprisingly and hopefully with the nicer weather coming I will be able to exercise more.
I blogged for so long about things and I feel like I haven't written much in the last 8 weeks, and that stinks. I'm never going to have this time again and I'll forget how I felt if I don't write it down.
I love my girls so much. They are just so perfect to me. I know every mom says that :) M is such a quiet, pensive little girl who just looks around and is curious. N is a diva, complaining about everything and loves to cuddle. Ha, I feel so bad writing that - I actually think she has colic, or a very sensitive stomach, because many times she's inconsolable and I can here the tummy rumbling.
In about half an hour, my girls will be 8 weeks old. 8 weeks ago I will have been in that delivery room watching them being born. When I was little on every birthday, my mom used to say, "8 years ago today I was sitting in our apartment and your father and uncle were packing it up (they were in the middle of moving my parents) when I said, we have to go to the hospital..." -giving me the birth story and I ate it up when I was little. I won't be able to say it in the same way but it's still so nice to think about.
And 8 weeks ago? It feels simultaneously like 8 days or 8 years! January feels like SO long ago. I can't believe it's almost April. And yet, I can't believe it's already April! It's a mess of contradictions.
I don't have to go back for awhile, but I am nervous about going back to work. There's so much work right now here with the girls, how the heck will I juggle all of that AND work?
My mom has been a godsend with the girls. She had been so excited throughout the 9 months of Gabby's pregnancy and knowing her, I was really afraid that she'd either be there every day in the very beginning and then get tired of it (I do live 2.5 hours away) OR she'd try to take over and make me do things her way. I have been so pleasantly surprised. She has come up and continues to come up whenever she is able, even driving the whole way by herself (she NEVER did that before they were born - in fact, I would see her about 4 times a year - and 3 of those times would be us driving down there!) and she has gone out of her way to do things the way I want them.
My MIL on the other hand...not much. She and my FIL actually came twice to Boston the week the girls were born and still in the hospital and I was flabbergasted, and thought maybe things would change, but then they came up once in February and once yesterday, for L's birthday. It makes me sad. But there's nothing I can do except continue to invite them and try not to care too much when they don't.
In the meantime, I definitely think I'm going to need some help. I'm alone with the girls 95% of the time and starting to go crazy with the wash, rinse repeat of feeding and changing. Especially when N is crying uncontrollably, which now sets M off. It can go on all day and makes me want to cry too at times. But amazingly enough, I have not done the thing that all my friends (who didn't experience infertility) told me I would do - Cry and wonder why I wanted this. No, it has never even crossed my mind. I wanted this. I wanted to not take a shower for 3 days and attempt to console and unconsolable baby. To change one baby's outfit 4 times in one day because she keeps peeing all over herself whenever I change her. To be a mom.
So I've cried, but more because I wish I had family who lived closer and could help. But I think we may look into getting a mother's helper for a few hours a day a few days a week. Would be awesome if I could get some cleaning done, or a load of laundry, or even run out to Tar.get to get some wipes if needed instead of loading them up and spending 3x as long, trying to get back in time so I don't ruin my schedule. It would be wonderful.
But either way, I am the happiest I think I've ever been in my life. And AF came yesterday, at 34 days, so that's a pretty good cycle for me! My back is hanging in there surprisingly and hopefully with the nicer weather coming I will be able to exercise more.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
The Journey Goes On
I'm still here.
Not posting as much as I thought I would. I'm currently waiting for AF to start. I don't know if I ever wrote about getting a prescription for Metformin right before the girls were born. Of all doctors, it was the dermatologist I saw the week before they were induced that told me I should talk to my endocrinologist about it. I called her up and we discussed it and she agreed with my symptoms (that I can't think of specifically now, I'm so tired) that I should probably be on it. So I got it filled before they came and I have been so bad taking it one day here, forgetting the next day, since they came. I am hoping it would help stabilize my cycle a bit, but I can't expect that if I am not good at taking it. Ugh, it's hard to remember.
Today is CD 31, which for me is nothing. After a great cycle (for no discernible reason) that ended in January (it was like textbook perfect 31 days for me) last month it was 37 days again. Still, nothing like the 49 days (and higher) I've had before. So even though I'm not taking the Metformin as much as I should be, I'm kind of hoping it will still help a bit. I guess we'll see how late AF comes.
You would think having two (especially at one time) would put any thought of other babies completely out of my head, and yet it's the opposite. I think I'm partially sad that this will be the only time I get to experience this, which is pathetic because once I would have given my right arm to have the OPPORTUNITY to experience this just once. Ugh...you get a little bit and always want more, I guess.
But instead of thinking about my cycles, now would be the PERFECT time to get on a weight loss program. Because even if I were to magically get pregnant, my weight is hideous and I am very unhealthy. And since I don't want kids 10 months apart, there's no "pressure" right now to get pregnant. I wish I could get it together. I keep googling easy fitness plans on Pinterest and Google but just can't seem to get the motivation.
And even though N was particularly difficult today (she seems to have colic and was screaming much of the day), she was only happy/sleeping cuddling with me and my heart just melted. They may not have been in me for 9 months, but they know who mom is.
Not posting as much as I thought I would. I'm currently waiting for AF to start. I don't know if I ever wrote about getting a prescription for Metformin right before the girls were born. Of all doctors, it was the dermatologist I saw the week before they were induced that told me I should talk to my endocrinologist about it. I called her up and we discussed it and she agreed with my symptoms (that I can't think of specifically now, I'm so tired) that I should probably be on it. So I got it filled before they came and I have been so bad taking it one day here, forgetting the next day, since they came. I am hoping it would help stabilize my cycle a bit, but I can't expect that if I am not good at taking it. Ugh, it's hard to remember.
Today is CD 31, which for me is nothing. After a great cycle (for no discernible reason) that ended in January (it was like textbook perfect 31 days for me) last month it was 37 days again. Still, nothing like the 49 days (and higher) I've had before. So even though I'm not taking the Metformin as much as I should be, I'm kind of hoping it will still help a bit. I guess we'll see how late AF comes.
You would think having two (especially at one time) would put any thought of other babies completely out of my head, and yet it's the opposite. I think I'm partially sad that this will be the only time I get to experience this, which is pathetic because once I would have given my right arm to have the OPPORTUNITY to experience this just once. Ugh...you get a little bit and always want more, I guess.
But instead of thinking about my cycles, now would be the PERFECT time to get on a weight loss program. Because even if I were to magically get pregnant, my weight is hideous and I am very unhealthy. And since I don't want kids 10 months apart, there's no "pressure" right now to get pregnant. I wish I could get it together. I keep googling easy fitness plans on Pinterest and Google but just can't seem to get the motivation.
And even though N was particularly difficult today (she seems to have colic and was screaming much of the day), she was only happy/sleeping cuddling with me and my heart just melted. They may not have been in me for 9 months, but they know who mom is.
Friday, March 1, 2013
One Month Old
One month old today. I can't believe we've made it. I mean, obviously "making it" is a given, otherwise CPS would be banging down our doors, but I'm just in shock that I'm (we're) doing it. I haven't broken them (yet).
I've never been so happy in my entire life. How can I go from being so depressed to being so happy? I didn't know it would be possible.
Poor Gabby is still fighting her rash. She is debating having her tubes tied or a hysterectomy (!!!) because getting your period makes it worse, she says. OMG, poor poor girl. I feel so bad that she got it, it's such a rare thing to get - of course it would happen to us.
Has anyone used Human Milk 4 Human Babies? I put up a request on the local chapter and got a few offers which is AWESOME but now I'm starting to regret it. L and even Gabby are telling me you don't really know the women donating, not that they'd do anything malicious, but they might not know they have an infection, or they might smoke pot, not thinking it's a big deal. I don't know. I really want to use breast milk but I feel like maybe I shouldn't have asked.
I know they have an "informed consent" thing but I feel like the only thing that would make me feel better would be to see their medical records and I think that's going a bit too far. I don't know, ugh...I wish I hadn't asked now.
I'm exhausted today! Can't wait to give them their late night feeding and go to bed!
I've never been so happy in my entire life. How can I go from being so depressed to being so happy? I didn't know it would be possible.
Poor Gabby is still fighting her rash. She is debating having her tubes tied or a hysterectomy (!!!) because getting your period makes it worse, she says. OMG, poor poor girl. I feel so bad that she got it, it's such a rare thing to get - of course it would happen to us.
Has anyone used Human Milk 4 Human Babies? I put up a request on the local chapter and got a few offers which is AWESOME but now I'm starting to regret it. L and even Gabby are telling me you don't really know the women donating, not that they'd do anything malicious, but they might not know they have an infection, or they might smoke pot, not thinking it's a big deal. I don't know. I really want to use breast milk but I feel like maybe I shouldn't have asked.
I know they have an "informed consent" thing but I feel like the only thing that would make me feel better would be to see their medical records and I think that's going a bit too far. I don't know, ugh...I wish I hadn't asked now.
I'm exhausted today! Can't wait to give them their late night feeding and go to bed!
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