A year of first is upon us...starting with tomorrow. June 10, 2012 I had my egg retrieval that resulted in my two beautiful little girls napping in their cribs right now.
One year ago today, I wrote this post, lamenting the fact that once again, my IVF cycle was not going as planned. My E2 went up to 1839 and then dropped precipitously, to 1474.
We ended up with 8 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, and only 3 fertilized. No one has ever been able to tell me why my E2 drops like that when my eggs are pretty clearly "good."
We went downstate yesterday to take our Catholic baptism class. I actually enjoyed it very much! It was given by one of the deacons and was very practical, I appreciated it. Afterwards my parents invited my inlaws and my brother and SIL and her parents came over for lunch. Long day, and the girls didn't nap a lot. But they are so well-behaved. I'm so proud and I'm pretty sure we don't have anything to do with it. I watched my brother trying to get his 10 week old son to sleep for well over an hour and am so grateful my two girls are such great sleepers - seriously, like 5 minutes to get them to sleep 95% of the time.
This morning, we dropped the girls off at the church daycare and went to the protestant church again, then took a tour of the church for people who want to be new members. This church is so open, I really love it, but I really miss my Catholic church sometimes...if nothing else because it's familiar. Yesterday at the class I saw a pamphlet on "Easy Catholic questions" and learned that Catholics really must go to church really only ONE time per year, the Easter service. That's not really true, since I'm pretty sure not going to mass is a sin (or so I was taught) but I started thinking today, maybe we could join BOTH churches - go to the Protestant church regularly, but go to the Catholic church at least once a year (although I love midnight masses, so maybe twice). Then my kids could get the benefit of both. I don't think I have the guts to tell either one of them (the churches) though. I asked L if he would be ok with that, and he said yes, and that it might be nice because they could benefit from the diversity of knowing both. So that might be the plan. A weird one, but nonetheless something that would make me happy :)
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Hidy Ho
I am amazed at how much my blogging time has been curtailed lately. The first 4-6 weeks I was like, "I can do this, no problem!" and now I think "Oh I want to write about that," and then in never happens.
The girls are 4 months now and doing great. N is a little squealer - she doesn't laugh, but she gives these squealy shrieks of happiness. I love it. M is starting to become quite the babbler. She smiles, not as often as N who just grins, and is definitely the "quieter" of the two, no laughing or squealing from her, but she loves to talk, mostly to herself. And blow bubbles.
N had quite the growth spurt a few weeks ago where my pediatrician's office suggested starting her on solids because she was drinking so much, but I really don't want to go there before 6 months. I had a talk with my actual pediatrician (as opposed to the phone nurses) and have a bit better idea that I'll just "know" when it's time, and I feel more comfortable about it, even if it's before 6 months.
I was in Target yesterday because we were in desperate need of more bibs (N goes through a lot!) and I came across those rubber coated spoons and the thought of starting solids just thrilled me. So I went and took a look at all the options out there. "Baby's First Carrots" and all the jars and pouches there are. So much fun! And I was so filled with happiness I almost wanted to cry (why or why am I always so emotional?). Because there's always going to be something new to look forward to with these girls. Solids, and sitting up (unassisted) and crawling, and walking, saying words, etc. etc. A whole new world, hell a whole new life has opened up. Finally, I have it. It's so exciting.
And L and I were talking about this Thanksgiving and we realized the girls will actually be able to have some sweet potatoes and maybe a tiny bit of mushed/very cut up turkey. There's just so much to look forward to!
We are baptizing them at the end of this month in the Catholic church, back in my hometown. But we are looking for a church up here where we live and I'm not sure we will stay with Catholic. We checked out a Protestant church here Sunday that we liked very much. They have free daycare during church! I guess churches are starting to do this now because it certainly wasn't available when I was little! So we dropped them off there and then had a peaceful hour in church together, just the two of us. After the hour was over we went back to get them and the childcare people didn't want to give them up :)
AF is late again this month (after a couple of very on time months). I actually thought I might be pregnant - good timing for DTD (even though we didn't do that with the intention of TTC), sore boobs, even got sick the other day after dinner which was very random, so I took a test this morning and total BFN. It wouldn't be the ideal time anyway AND I'd probably miscarry again anyway, but I admit I was still hopeful. Sheesh. I really need to get on and take my Metformin regularly and I've been really bad about it. I'll take it on time for a few days but then forget and only take it 1x a day or go a few days without it altogether. Because my eating schedule is all over the place and because I'm supposed to take it with meals, it's really not regular.
2 more months of maternity leave and then back to work. I can't believe I've been out over 4 months already! I wish I could work part time - I'm ready to get out a bit more but the thought of trying to juggle everything and a FT job scares me!
The girls are 4 months now and doing great. N is a little squealer - she doesn't laugh, but she gives these squealy shrieks of happiness. I love it. M is starting to become quite the babbler. She smiles, not as often as N who just grins, and is definitely the "quieter" of the two, no laughing or squealing from her, but she loves to talk, mostly to herself. And blow bubbles.
N had quite the growth spurt a few weeks ago where my pediatrician's office suggested starting her on solids because she was drinking so much, but I really don't want to go there before 6 months. I had a talk with my actual pediatrician (as opposed to the phone nurses) and have a bit better idea that I'll just "know" when it's time, and I feel more comfortable about it, even if it's before 6 months.
I was in Target yesterday because we were in desperate need of more bibs (N goes through a lot!) and I came across those rubber coated spoons and the thought of starting solids just thrilled me. So I went and took a look at all the options out there. "Baby's First Carrots" and all the jars and pouches there are. So much fun! And I was so filled with happiness I almost wanted to cry (why or why am I always so emotional?). Because there's always going to be something new to look forward to with these girls. Solids, and sitting up (unassisted) and crawling, and walking, saying words, etc. etc. A whole new world, hell a whole new life has opened up. Finally, I have it. It's so exciting.
And L and I were talking about this Thanksgiving and we realized the girls will actually be able to have some sweet potatoes and maybe a tiny bit of mushed/very cut up turkey. There's just so much to look forward to!
We are baptizing them at the end of this month in the Catholic church, back in my hometown. But we are looking for a church up here where we live and I'm not sure we will stay with Catholic. We checked out a Protestant church here Sunday that we liked very much. They have free daycare during church! I guess churches are starting to do this now because it certainly wasn't available when I was little! So we dropped them off there and then had a peaceful hour in church together, just the two of us. After the hour was over we went back to get them and the childcare people didn't want to give them up :)
AF is late again this month (after a couple of very on time months). I actually thought I might be pregnant - good timing for DTD (even though we didn't do that with the intention of TTC), sore boobs, even got sick the other day after dinner which was very random, so I took a test this morning and total BFN. It wouldn't be the ideal time anyway AND I'd probably miscarry again anyway, but I admit I was still hopeful. Sheesh. I really need to get on and take my Metformin regularly and I've been really bad about it. I'll take it on time for a few days but then forget and only take it 1x a day or go a few days without it altogether. Because my eating schedule is all over the place and because I'm supposed to take it with meals, it's really not regular.
2 more months of maternity leave and then back to work. I can't believe I've been out over 4 months already! I wish I could work part time - I'm ready to get out a bit more but the thought of trying to juggle everything and a FT job scares me!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
On This Mother's Day
One of the best things I've ever read on infertility and Mother's Day. From http://inconceivablebook.com/blog/ivf/dear-infertile-friend-my-mothers-day-gift-for-you/
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dear Infertile Friend,
I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you this Mother’s Day. Of course, I think of you every day, but on this day, which I know is particularly difficult for you, I want you to know that you’re in my heart. I imagine, at times, it may seem that I’m oblivious to your struggles. As if somehow I’ve forgotten what it was like to stand in your shoes. I assure you, I haven’t. In fact, I’ll never, ever forget what it was like to walk the very lonely and scary path of infertility. I acutely remember when Mother’s Day was a reminder of everything I wasn’t, instead of a celebration of everything I ever wanted to be.
In honor of Mother’s Day I want to give you a gift. A gift I hope you’ll treasure. It’s not a magic bullet. I don’t have one of those. Instead, it’s a promise—actually a few promises. Promises that I hope will sustain you through your journey.
I promise not to give you unsolicited advice about conceiving. I know you are relaxing. That stress isn’t the problem and a vacation isn’t the answer. I’m also very aware that how it finally worked for me (or my cousin or my neighbor or my grandma’s friend’s great-niece) probably isn’t the cure for you. I’ll never assume I have the answer to your prayers…I promise.
I promise not to complain about my kids in front of you. We all know that raising children is challenging. I’m also aware you’d give your left arm to be knee deep in messy diapers and snotty noses. There’ll be no child-related venting to you…I promise.
I promise to include you in our family related activities and understand when you decline. I know you love my family. I also understand being around little ones can be hard for you right now. I’ll be sad that you’re not there, so I’ll continue to pray fervently for your miracle…I promise.
Most importantly, I promise to be here when you need me. I’ll listen empathetically and squeeze your hand for encouragement. Lean on me when you need to—my shoulders will hold you up and my love for you will catch your tears. I’ll walk through this with you, admiring your bravery every step of the way…I promise.
Please accept this Mother’s Day gift. It’s a reminder that even though at times I may say or do the wrong thing, I know, in the depth of my soul, that you would make a terrific mother. I can’t wait for the day when we can celebrate this occasion differently. Until then, please remember you are not alone, my friend. Whatever—whenever—just say the word. I WILL be your biggest cheerleader…I promise.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dear Infertile Friend,
I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you this Mother’s Day. Of course, I think of you every day, but on this day, which I know is particularly difficult for you, I want you to know that you’re in my heart. I imagine, at times, it may seem that I’m oblivious to your struggles. As if somehow I’ve forgotten what it was like to stand in your shoes. I assure you, I haven’t. In fact, I’ll never, ever forget what it was like to walk the very lonely and scary path of infertility. I acutely remember when Mother’s Day was a reminder of everything I wasn’t, instead of a celebration of everything I ever wanted to be.
In honor of Mother’s Day I want to give you a gift. A gift I hope you’ll treasure. It’s not a magic bullet. I don’t have one of those. Instead, it’s a promise—actually a few promises. Promises that I hope will sustain you through your journey.
I promise not to give you unsolicited advice about conceiving. I know you are relaxing. That stress isn’t the problem and a vacation isn’t the answer. I’m also very aware that how it finally worked for me (or my cousin or my neighbor or my grandma’s friend’s great-niece) probably isn’t the cure for you. I’ll never assume I have the answer to your prayers…I promise.
I promise not to complain about my kids in front of you. We all know that raising children is challenging. I’m also aware you’d give your left arm to be knee deep in messy diapers and snotty noses. There’ll be no child-related venting to you…I promise.
I promise to include you in our family related activities and understand when you decline. I know you love my family. I also understand being around little ones can be hard for you right now. I’ll be sad that you’re not there, so I’ll continue to pray fervently for your miracle…I promise.
Most importantly, I promise to be here when you need me. I’ll listen empathetically and squeeze your hand for encouragement. Lean on me when you need to—my shoulders will hold you up and my love for you will catch your tears. I’ll walk through this with you, admiring your bravery every step of the way…I promise.
Please accept this Mother’s Day gift. It’s a reminder that even though at times I may say or do the wrong thing, I know, in the depth of my soul, that you would make a terrific mother. I can’t wait for the day when we can celebrate this occasion differently. Until then, please remember you are not alone, my friend. Whatever—whenever—just say the word. I WILL be your biggest cheerleader…I promise.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Full Circle
I just took a look back at last year's posts around this time. I was just starting my lupron for the cycle that resulted in my two little beauties. I was completely anti-Mother's Day and so bitter I spent the day in bed.
The year before that I was pregnant with twins. I miscarried at the end of May.
The year before that I'd just had an M/C in April and was in a Clomid cycle.
The year before that (pre-blog) was a few months after my first ever M/C.
We just received a check back from the surrogacy agency for the amount of money left in the IOLTA fund. Gabby is fully compensated and all bills paid. We are DONE with surrogacy.
And in its wake, we have these girls, and I am a mom.
Full circle. In one year.
I know in this respect we've been extremely lucky. Lucky that it worked the first time, that my eggs were good enough that even though we only got 3 out of that last IVF cycle, it all was successful in the end.
It's amazing to think this journey is over.
The girls are almost 15 weeks now (really 14.5) and each week is getting easier. They are currently on their backs in the same crib staring at the mobile. (That is a feat in itself, they hate being on their backs in the crib unless it's bedtime. :) I realize I treat them more like siblings that are the same age than "twins" - I don't know if I've ever put them in the same outfit even. My mom, who apparently always wanted twins so much she tried to dress me and my 8 year younger sister the same when I was 11(!!!) does not understand this and tries to buy everything the same, but to me they are so different. If they were identical that might make it easier to do so.
This week is the first week I thought I might be able to go to work. I really don't know how women do it at 6 weeks! I am glad I still have another 2 months to go - maybe I can enjoy the spring/early summer!!
I'll admit it, after years of hating Mother's Day, this year I am very excited for it. It feels like a victory lap.
But this is what I'll be posting on FB on Mother's Day.
http://messymiddle.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
The year before that I was pregnant with twins. I miscarried at the end of May.
The year before that I'd just had an M/C in April and was in a Clomid cycle.
The year before that (pre-blog) was a few months after my first ever M/C.
We just received a check back from the surrogacy agency for the amount of money left in the IOLTA fund. Gabby is fully compensated and all bills paid. We are DONE with surrogacy.
And in its wake, we have these girls, and I am a mom.
Full circle. In one year.
I know in this respect we've been extremely lucky. Lucky that it worked the first time, that my eggs were good enough that even though we only got 3 out of that last IVF cycle, it all was successful in the end.
It's amazing to think this journey is over.
The girls are almost 15 weeks now (really 14.5) and each week is getting easier. They are currently on their backs in the same crib staring at the mobile. (That is a feat in itself, they hate being on their backs in the crib unless it's bedtime. :) I realize I treat them more like siblings that are the same age than "twins" - I don't know if I've ever put them in the same outfit even. My mom, who apparently always wanted twins so much she tried to dress me and my 8 year younger sister the same when I was 11(!!!) does not understand this and tries to buy everything the same, but to me they are so different. If they were identical that might make it easier to do so.
This week is the first week I thought I might be able to go to work. I really don't know how women do it at 6 weeks! I am glad I still have another 2 months to go - maybe I can enjoy the spring/early summer!!
I'll admit it, after years of hating Mother's Day, this year I am very excited for it. It feels like a victory lap.
But this is what I'll be posting on FB on Mother's Day.
http://messymiddle.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
Sunday, May 5, 2013
International Bereaved Mother's Day
The first Sunday of every May is International Bereaved Mother's Day, for all the women of this world who hold some, if not all, of their children in their hearts and those who yearn to even just conceive a child. Sending out my love to all of you who this applies to. I know I have dreaded the coming Mother's Day for years.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Boston
Boston has become like a second hometown in the last 6 years. Monday's bombing shook me and like many, I felt so sad and sickened by people who could do this.
Before 2007, I had been to Boston one time, to visit a friend from high school at Boston University. I don't think we even did anything in Boston proper, but went to a college hockey game, that's it.
In 2007, my New York cardologist told me there was nothing more they could do for me. I asked for a second opinion, and she gave me the names of three adult congenital heart doctors, one in Philly (CHOP), one at the Mayo Clinic, and one at Boston Children's Hospital. Boston was closest so I decided to try there first, and then work out to the others (especially since Mayo seemed like the best place, just because it's the MAYO). But I never got to try any others out, because Dr. Mike at Boston Children's Adult Congenital Heart Clinic was just the most awesome person, and since then we have been through so much together. He was there during my first pregnancy before my second open heart surgery when things didn't look good for me or the baby, and I remember him telling us he wished it wasn't professionally inappropriate to have us over his house because he knew the pain we were in. He oversaw my 2009 second open heart surgery, promising me that they could "fix" this, even though Columbia Presbyterian had written me (and my life) off. He did three more of my heart catheterizations, putting stents in, until he was able to give me the green light to go and get pregnant again. I never managed to hang onto a pregnancy, but being able to try and get pregnant, even if not succeeding, was so much better than never been allowed to try at all.
For those not from the area, Boston Children's is attached (literally) to a number of other hospitals, via glass "bridges" - including Brigham and Women's, Dana Farber Institute, etc. So even though my surgery was at Boston Children's, my recovery was at Brigham and Women's, and Dr. Mike has privileges there as well (he is Harvard Med affiliated, so has a number of privileges, I assume), and he would visit me daily in the hospital. Brigham and Women's was as great as Boston Children's in their care of me was fantastic. It was why I knew I wanted a gestational carrier who would agree to give birth there, because it's such a fantastic place - not only a Level 1 Trauma Center, but a Level 3 NICU unit.
So in a way, Boston Children's and Brigham and Women's has given me 3 lives, my children's and my own. And I despite the tragedy of Monday, I was so glad those injured were so close to not only BWH and Boston Children's but all the hospitals of Boston that are so fantastic. And not that Dr. Mike would likely have much to do with trauma victims, but I know how much those doctors care about their patients. About 30 of the injured were sent to BWH and 8 injured children were sent to Boston Children's.
I was last in Boston about 11 weeks ago now, and it's not like I'm there all that often. But I have spent so much time in the Copley area whenever I am there (we would priceline hotels for the Copley area since we often went the night before an appointment since it was such a drive) so I feel so sad the site has become such a crime scene and I pray for those killed affected by such a cowardly person or people.
Before 2007, I had been to Boston one time, to visit a friend from high school at Boston University. I don't think we even did anything in Boston proper, but went to a college hockey game, that's it.
In 2007, my New York cardologist told me there was nothing more they could do for me. I asked for a second opinion, and she gave me the names of three adult congenital heart doctors, one in Philly (CHOP), one at the Mayo Clinic, and one at Boston Children's Hospital. Boston was closest so I decided to try there first, and then work out to the others (especially since Mayo seemed like the best place, just because it's the MAYO). But I never got to try any others out, because Dr. Mike at Boston Children's Adult Congenital Heart Clinic was just the most awesome person, and since then we have been through so much together. He was there during my first pregnancy before my second open heart surgery when things didn't look good for me or the baby, and I remember him telling us he wished it wasn't professionally inappropriate to have us over his house because he knew the pain we were in. He oversaw my 2009 second open heart surgery, promising me that they could "fix" this, even though Columbia Presbyterian had written me (and my life) off. He did three more of my heart catheterizations, putting stents in, until he was able to give me the green light to go and get pregnant again. I never managed to hang onto a pregnancy, but being able to try and get pregnant, even if not succeeding, was so much better than never been allowed to try at all.
For those not from the area, Boston Children's is attached (literally) to a number of other hospitals, via glass "bridges" - including Brigham and Women's, Dana Farber Institute, etc. So even though my surgery was at Boston Children's, my recovery was at Brigham and Women's, and Dr. Mike has privileges there as well (he is Harvard Med affiliated, so has a number of privileges, I assume), and he would visit me daily in the hospital. Brigham and Women's was as great as Boston Children's in their care of me was fantastic. It was why I knew I wanted a gestational carrier who would agree to give birth there, because it's such a fantastic place - not only a Level 1 Trauma Center, but a Level 3 NICU unit.
So in a way, Boston Children's and Brigham and Women's has given me 3 lives, my children's and my own. And I despite the tragedy of Monday, I was so glad those injured were so close to not only BWH and Boston Children's but all the hospitals of Boston that are so fantastic. And not that Dr. Mike would likely have much to do with trauma victims, but I know how much those doctors care about their patients. About 30 of the injured were sent to BWH and 8 injured children were sent to Boston Children's.
I was last in Boston about 11 weeks ago now, and it's not like I'm there all that often. But I have spent so much time in the Copley area whenever I am there (we would priceline hotels for the Copley area since we often went the night before an appointment since it was such a drive) so I feel so sad the site has become such a crime scene and I pray for those killed affected by such a cowardly person or people.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
On Money and Taxes
Ugh...taxes are due next week. Oh, I'm sure you all know that already. We are usually so ahead of the game; filing by March 1st is usually considered late for us! But not this year...this year we have 5 days to go and still haven't filed. Obviously we've been busy, but we really need to get it together. It's just taking us a long time because we have additional things to worry about.
As usual, filing for my little side business, which isn't anything much, but it's still additional paperwork.
Then, filing for adoption expenses. We never finalized (obviously) but we still put out some money towards it, so we can claim our 2011 expenses this year. That is going to be nice, since it's a credit. I asked for and got a letter from our agency detailing our expenses, just in case we are audited. It's almost $4K so I am very excited to get that back.
Finally, medical deductions. Ugh. So I've read lots of mixed things on claiming surrogacy expenses. Some people say yes, some people say no. Tax people. I'm not a tax person, but I am an attorney so I went looking for some case law on it. And from what I've found it seems like if you have "medical infertility" then you should be able to claim it. So we're going to try. Now, my ILs paid for a good portion of it (because we never would have been able to) but we probably paid about 1/3 of it ourselves. I went through all of our receipts and bank statements for the last year and added up our expenses. It makes me want to cringe. Almost $80K from beginning to end.
And honestly, that's pretty good for surrogacy. For that we have two children, and no unexpected expenses. One adoption would have cost us $32K so in reality it's not bad at all. But thank God for my inlaws without which we NEVER would have been able to do this. (even if I do complain about them a lot :)
But trying to sort out all this stuff has taken a lot of time. We even considered filing an amended return but I think we'll get it done on time.
Ugh, taxes. And money. I hate them both.
As usual, filing for my little side business, which isn't anything much, but it's still additional paperwork.
Then, filing for adoption expenses. We never finalized (obviously) but we still put out some money towards it, so we can claim our 2011 expenses this year. That is going to be nice, since it's a credit. I asked for and got a letter from our agency detailing our expenses, just in case we are audited. It's almost $4K so I am very excited to get that back.
Finally, medical deductions. Ugh. So I've read lots of mixed things on claiming surrogacy expenses. Some people say yes, some people say no. Tax people. I'm not a tax person, but I am an attorney so I went looking for some case law on it. And from what I've found it seems like if you have "medical infertility" then you should be able to claim it. So we're going to try. Now, my ILs paid for a good portion of it (because we never would have been able to) but we probably paid about 1/3 of it ourselves. I went through all of our receipts and bank statements for the last year and added up our expenses. It makes me want to cringe. Almost $80K from beginning to end.
And honestly, that's pretty good for surrogacy. For that we have two children, and no unexpected expenses. One adoption would have cost us $32K so in reality it's not bad at all. But thank God for my inlaws without which we NEVER would have been able to do this. (even if I do complain about them a lot :)
But trying to sort out all this stuff has taken a lot of time. We even considered filing an amended return but I think we'll get it done on time.
Ugh, taxes. And money. I hate them both.
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