Got a call from my brother tonight. GUESS WHAT???
He's pregnant. Well, not him, obviously. They're pregnant.
I screamed with excitement appropriately. They are 12 weeks. He is so excited the cousins will be only about 6 weeks apart. Well, 9 weeks, since they're twins.
I hang up the phone and burst into tears. Why am I this way????????? Why can't I just be happy for them?
It's because it's all so easy for them, for seemingly everyone else. (Well, of course I know not "everyone" - this IF community proves that) but you know what I mean. Everyone in real life. He just finished with grad school, and boom pregnant! How awesome to *pick* the timing so well. How lovely that it falls into place just when *you* want it. How jealous I am that you don't know the heartbreak I've had to deal with.
Not that I want them to have heartbreak, so I don't know what my problem is. I'm just jealous that no one else has to deal with the things I do. And that she gets to experience pregnancy, with no issues, all the way through it. Something I will never get to do.
But I get babies, right? At least I get babies.
Or so I hope. I really hope this isn't like last year, where I was pregnant, then everyone else got pregnant, then I lost the babies and everyone else continued on just fine and now they all have babies and I don't.
And that's my big fear. If I knew 100% I'd be coming home with babies, this wouldn't bother me at all. It's the fear that something will again happen and I'll have nothing, after all that we've been through, that makes me this bitter infertile.
B-I-T-T-E-R. And I love my brother, I swear. Sometimes I hate myself.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
TMI post
For a quick background on me, here's my September ICLW post.
This post is pretty TMI.
A couple of months ago at the first appointment with RE that L and I went to after the good u/s at 6 weeks (the one where I complained at how crappy the RE was about my feelings on selective reduction) she asked us what we were doing regarding birth control. L and I looked at each other and I said, "uh, nothing. I mean, nothing's worked so far, so we really haven't been worried anything's going to happen."
Well she informed us we should "worry about it" and to use protection, since she had another couple who, while working with a gestational carrier, became pregnant and were subsequently "devastated" (her word) with 3 kids all at once.
I gamely nodded along with her, and then complained afterwards to L that while it probably wouldn't be ideal, I would never be "devastated" about it. L was freaked out for awhile though, and subsequently wouldn't DTD without a condom for about....1 month. I guess going bare skin for so many years though made him strongly dislike condoms, but I told him I've taken enough chemicals into my body now that I refused to go on BCP until at least the beginning of next year.
So while we use condoms most of the time right now, every once in awhile we go without, and the latest was during our anniversary weekend in the beginning of September. And even though I wasn't doing OPKs during that time, given my skin breaking out and all the other usual signs, I knew I was ovulating. And I didn't care.
Because I knew nothing would come of it. My LMP was August 6th, and I knew I hadn't ovulated before September 1st, already 25 freaking days into the cycle. I don't have PCOS and I don't know the reason for my crazy cycles but this drives me nuts. So we went ahead and had a good weekend that weekend, and now it's September 23rd and still no period. That makes 48 days. And, all of a sudden I'm imagining sore boobs, and ...is that a little nausea? And before you know it, I've gone full tilt convincing myself I should buy a pregnancy test.
So I did today, and of course it's negative, and I know that's a GOOD thing. But at the same time I'm just so effing frustrated with my body and it trying to fool me. My cycles are long but I always ovulate, eventually. But what makes them so long and crazy? No testing has ever said I have any hormonal problems. I really wish I knew why. And I really wish I would stop thinking maybe there's a chance I could get pregnant on my own, and you know, NOT miscarry.
You always want what you don't have. Even technically "expecting" right now, I wish so much I could be the one pregnant. Gabby sent me a belly pic today and she definitely popped this week and all I can do is look at it and wish that was my belly bump.
How can I be jealous of the woman carrying MY babies? I am so ridiculous.
She heard two heartbeats tonight too. They're still holding on.
ETA: After days of staring at it, I finally corrected my mispelling devasted to devastated. I swear I really do know how to spell. I just type fast and am lazy :)
This post is pretty TMI.
A couple of months ago at the first appointment with RE that L and I went to after the good u/s at 6 weeks (the one where I complained at how crappy the RE was about my feelings on selective reduction) she asked us what we were doing regarding birth control. L and I looked at each other and I said, "uh, nothing. I mean, nothing's worked so far, so we really haven't been worried anything's going to happen."
Well she informed us we should "worry about it" and to use protection, since she had another couple who, while working with a gestational carrier, became pregnant and were subsequently "devastated" (her word) with 3 kids all at once.
I gamely nodded along with her, and then complained afterwards to L that while it probably wouldn't be ideal, I would never be "devastated" about it. L was freaked out for awhile though, and subsequently wouldn't DTD without a condom for about....1 month. I guess going bare skin for so many years though made him strongly dislike condoms, but I told him I've taken enough chemicals into my body now that I refused to go on BCP until at least the beginning of next year.
So while we use condoms most of the time right now, every once in awhile we go without, and the latest was during our anniversary weekend in the beginning of September. And even though I wasn't doing OPKs during that time, given my skin breaking out and all the other usual signs, I knew I was ovulating. And I didn't care.
Because I knew nothing would come of it. My LMP was August 6th, and I knew I hadn't ovulated before September 1st, already 25 freaking days into the cycle. I don't have PCOS and I don't know the reason for my crazy cycles but this drives me nuts. So we went ahead and had a good weekend that weekend, and now it's September 23rd and still no period. That makes 48 days. And, all of a sudden I'm imagining sore boobs, and ...is that a little nausea? And before you know it, I've gone full tilt convincing myself I should buy a pregnancy test.
So I did today, and of course it's negative, and I know that's a GOOD thing. But at the same time I'm just so effing frustrated with my body and it trying to fool me. My cycles are long but I always ovulate, eventually. But what makes them so long and crazy? No testing has ever said I have any hormonal problems. I really wish I knew why. And I really wish I would stop thinking maybe there's a chance I could get pregnant on my own, and you know, NOT miscarry.
You always want what you don't have. Even technically "expecting" right now, I wish so much I could be the one pregnant. Gabby sent me a belly pic today and she definitely popped this week and all I can do is look at it and wish that was my belly bump.
How can I be jealous of the woman carrying MY babies? I am so ridiculous.
She heard two heartbeats tonight too. They're still holding on.
ETA: After days of staring at it, I finally corrected my mispelling devasted to devastated. I swear I really do know how to spell. I just type fast and am lazy :)
Saturday, September 22, 2012
First "babies" gift!
If you're finding me through ICLW this month and want a quick synopsis of who I am, check out my post here!
I got a package in the mail yesterday from Gabby! It was soft and squishy from the outside so I couldn't wait to open it!
My heart totally melted when I opened it up! I loved the card too - which Gabby had "amended" by making it for multiples :)
She wrote:
L & Ducky - (real names of course)
xoxo Love, Gabby
I love them!! I seriously walked around with them on and off for the rest of the night! I may have cradled one just to give me some idea of how big one of the babies would be in my arms. I have hung them up on my dresser drawer pull now and I just look at them from time to time. That aqua blue one matches perfectly the half-painted nursery we have!
Of course I texted her to exhuberantly thank her for the "onesies." She texted me back, "It's a sleeper, not a onesie, rookie!!! haha!"
I started cracking up. L and I are SUCH rookies :)
It's been 5 days and I haven't asked for nor gotten a doppler heartbeat update. I'm starting to get anxious about it though, but I think this is an improvement. She said she'll be sending me a belly pic tomorrow (hopefully she'll also listen to the doppler) because this week she said she got huge (i just saw her Monday and she wasn't that big) and finally popped. Can't wait to see! Starting on Wednesday she had said that she thinks the babies are going through a growth spurt probably because I called them shorties at the U/S on Monday :)
17 weeks here we come!
I got a package in the mail yesterday from Gabby! It was soft and squishy from the outside so I couldn't wait to open it!
My heart totally melted when I opened it up! I loved the card too - which Gabby had "amended" by making it for multiples :)
She wrote:
L & Ducky - (real names of course)
I am beyond thrilled for you both! You are going to have perfect and beautiful baby girls! I am so glad to be a part of your journey. Those are 2 lucky baby girls! Enclosed is a non pink welcome baby! gift. But I do think you'll change your mind on pink! :)
I love them!! I seriously walked around with them on and off for the rest of the night! I may have cradled one just to give me some idea of how big one of the babies would be in my arms. I have hung them up on my dresser drawer pull now and I just look at them from time to time. That aqua blue one matches perfectly the half-painted nursery we have!
Of course I texted her to exhuberantly thank her for the "onesies." She texted me back, "It's a sleeper, not a onesie, rookie!!! haha!"
I started cracking up. L and I are SUCH rookies :)
It's been 5 days and I haven't asked for nor gotten a doppler heartbeat update. I'm starting to get anxious about it though, but I think this is an improvement. She said she'll be sending me a belly pic tomorrow (hopefully she'll also listen to the doppler) because this week she said she got huge (i just saw her Monday and she wasn't that big) and finally popped. Can't wait to see! Starting on Wednesday she had said that she thinks the babies are going through a growth spurt probably because I called them shorties at the U/S on Monday :)
17 weeks here we come!
Friday, September 21, 2012
September 2012 ICLW
Welcome to my little corner of the infertility blogging world. I feel like I've been in almost every room in the Land of IF (copyright The Stirrup Queen), from the beginning of timed intercourse (TI) and "simple" meds of Clomid, Femara and Tamoxifen, to the IUI and then IVF rooms, the loss, loss, loss, multiple loss rooms, and even the pregnancy rooms, for a little bit. We also waited in the "adoption" room for over 9 months, home study ready since October 2011. I've tasted all.
Right now I'm in a room that's totally new for me, feeling my way around. L (my hubby) and I are expecting twin girls (OMG I can't believe I can actually say that for the first time EVER) in February 2013 through a gestational carrier. If you can't stand to read about pregnancy (even virtual pregnancy like I'm living right now), I fully understand you hitting your back button RIGHT NOW. I've so been there.
However, it isn't all fun and games for me. I'm dealing with a lot of emotional issues at the same time while expecting - the feeling like a "second class citizen" because I can't seem to hold onto a damn pregnancy and trying to feel like an expectant mom while someone else is walking around with my children. My bitterness - yup, bitterness, I own it - towards all sorts of people STILL. The years of our IF journey has left me with many wounds, open still.
So my blog is full of both excitement and paranoia, hopefulness and negativity, all at the same time. I'm both jealous and yet so grateful to be where I am. After so many losses, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to go wrong.
I write anonymously, and therefore, write all my feelings down, both bad and good. I think many people wouldn't admit to the things and feelings I write about, and trust me, I've gotten lambasted for it. But, fortunately or unfortunately, I don't write to educate, but to release my anxieties, and what you see is what you get, just without a name attached to it.
Thank you for reading :)
Right now I'm in a room that's totally new for me, feeling my way around. L (my hubby) and I are expecting twin girls (OMG I can't believe I can actually say that for the first time EVER) in February 2013 through a gestational carrier. If you can't stand to read about pregnancy (even virtual pregnancy like I'm living right now), I fully understand you hitting your back button RIGHT NOW. I've so been there.
However, it isn't all fun and games for me. I'm dealing with a lot of emotional issues at the same time while expecting - the feeling like a "second class citizen" because I can't seem to hold onto a damn pregnancy and trying to feel like an expectant mom while someone else is walking around with my children. My bitterness - yup, bitterness, I own it - towards all sorts of people STILL. The years of our IF journey has left me with many wounds, open still.
So my blog is full of both excitement and paranoia, hopefulness and negativity, all at the same time. I'm both jealous and yet so grateful to be where I am. After so many losses, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to go wrong.
I write anonymously, and therefore, write all my feelings down, both bad and good. I think many people wouldn't admit to the things and feelings I write about, and trust me, I've gotten lambasted for it. But, fortunately or unfortunately, I don't write to educate, but to release my anxieties, and what you see is what you get, just without a name attached to it.
Thank you for reading :)
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Thank you!
Thank you all so much for your congrats!! I don't think I have ever been so surprised (for something good, as opposed to bad news) in my life!! Out of the three combos - boy/boy, girl/girl, boy/girl, it was the last one I ever would have guessed!
I've had it so ingrained in my head for so long - L is one of three boys, our M/Cs have been boys - wow. I was just blown away!!
But I am just so excited. Hell, I would be excited if the babies were purple and gold! Now I just want them to continue to thrive and be healthy. Please be healthy!!
(And I need to figure out what I'm going to do about pink. I'm such an anti-pink girl and there's no getting around it now! Every girl baby thing is pink I think! :)
So freakin' excited. Thank you all!
I've had it so ingrained in my head for so long - L is one of three boys, our M/Cs have been boys - wow. I was just blown away!!
But I am just so excited. Hell, I would be excited if the babies were purple and gold! Now I just want them to continue to thrive and be healthy. Please be healthy!!
(And I need to figure out what I'm going to do about pink. I'm such an anti-pink girl and there's no getting around it now! Every girl baby thing is pink I think! :)
So freakin' excited. Thank you all!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
I Burst Into Tears Tonight
And for the first time on this infertility journey of 46+ months, it was tears of happiness.
Gabby texted me (as she always does the night before an U/S) that she found 2 heartbeats tonight, to go and get a good night's sleep and that she'd see me tomorrow.
I don't know how I work myself up, but I do it every time. She just heard heartbeats a couple of nights ago, and today I started thinking about going tomorrow and there being none.
And before, I could convince myself, as long as there was one, I would be ok. But in the last week, I've realized, I need both of those babies. Losing either one now would just be devastating. Not that it wouldn't have hurt before, but I don't know, it's just seeming more real now. And I've let it sink in that maybe, just maybe, we might get two babies out of this. Two, when all I've ever wanted is one.
So at 9pm when I hadn't heard from her, I actually asked DH, "Gosh, what happens if she can't find even 1 heartbeat? She knows I'm waiting to hear. Will she just not email/text me?"
And then I went to take a hot bath to relax. (Although I'm reading Life of Pi and it's pretty tense right now, haha). And L barged in to tell me about her text. And I just started crying in the tub, and it was a lot like my sad crying, I have to say. But I wasn't sad at all. I'm going to learn (God willing) my babies' genders tomorrow. I never thought I would get to this point. It doesn't seem real.
There is still so long to go, I know. But I can't believe we're even here.
Gabby texted me (as she always does the night before an U/S) that she found 2 heartbeats tonight, to go and get a good night's sleep and that she'd see me tomorrow.
I don't know how I work myself up, but I do it every time. She just heard heartbeats a couple of nights ago, and today I started thinking about going tomorrow and there being none.
And before, I could convince myself, as long as there was one, I would be ok. But in the last week, I've realized, I need both of those babies. Losing either one now would just be devastating. Not that it wouldn't have hurt before, but I don't know, it's just seeming more real now. And I've let it sink in that maybe, just maybe, we might get two babies out of this. Two, when all I've ever wanted is one.
So at 9pm when I hadn't heard from her, I actually asked DH, "Gosh, what happens if she can't find even 1 heartbeat? She knows I'm waiting to hear. Will she just not email/text me?"
And then I went to take a hot bath to relax. (Although I'm reading Life of Pi and it's pretty tense right now, haha). And L barged in to tell me about her text. And I just started crying in the tub, and it was a lot like my sad crying, I have to say. But I wasn't sad at all. I'm going to learn (God willing) my babies' genders tomorrow. I never thought I would get to this point. It doesn't seem real.
There is still so long to go, I know. But I can't believe we're even here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)