Dreams

CD 33, no O.  I see the OBGYN next Weds., at which point I’ll be CD38.  I still have fertile fluid (every day for the last 20+ days now!) and I feel like I could O, but what the heck do I know? Not much.

I had such a real-feeling dream last night.  I was out somewhere, with my hands on my stomach, feeling the bulge of a life inside me.  It wasn’t “fat” (though goodness knows I have enough of that), it was harder, more round, the obviousness of a pregnant belly.

And I had to pee, alot. In my dream I mean.

Which probably was just because I had to pee in real life, since I soon woke up having to go to the bathroom. But still, for those brief moments, it was so happy.

The first time I got pregnant, I had crazy dreams about pregnancy before I found out.  The second time, that didn’t happen, although another cycle (where I was not pregnant) I dreamed about holding a 3 year old (that was mine) in my arms. No longer a baby though.

And now this one.  Where I haven’t even ovulated, so I couldn’t possibly be pregnant.

I wish I could dream about a baby of mine every night.

No Change

Or so I figure. I am not getting any more follicle checks so who knows. But no positive OPK yet, no temperature jump.

I’m in nada-land.

No Growth

It’s been 9 days since I last wrote, and in that time, my follicles grew by 2mm.  Actually they grew by 2mm in 12 days (since the last time I wrote they were exactly the same size as they had been 3 days before).  They are supposed to grow by 2mm PER DAY.

Which means, yep, another anovulatory cycle.  My OBGYN said “we’re going to abort the cycle” which gave me hope that they would give me provera to bring about AF, but apparently they won’t do that. I have an appt. on 8/4. If AF hasn’t come by then, then they’ll give it me.

And it’s another month lost.

I’ve had fertile CM EVERY SINGLE DAY since I last wrote.  My body wants to O but is also in shutdown mode. How frustrating.

The only positive I can see is that my temps haven’t been erratic at all, unlike my other anovulatory cycle. So maybe I will O, eventually.  But by the time I see the doc? Probably not.

And Ali is out on maternity leave for the next three months.

Don't Think About It

I bought some yellow plums at the farmer’s market yesterday and am regretting it.  Wanted some apricots but the bright yellowness attracted me.  They’re not so sweet though, unlike the apricots, darn it.

So…here we are day 15.  Should be gearing up to O, but of course not. I know this because I had a follicle check this morning and they haven’t grown at all since Friday.  I know why of course, but it doesn’t make things any better.

The reason why is because of the transfallopian cervical cath I had last week.  Honestly, I’m not sure I had the full cath -, but they knocked me out and got all up in my hoo ha, so I guess it’s all the same.  Thank goodness for anesthesia – I have a vague, vague memory (which I’m not all too sure really happened or I just dreamed it) of me sitting bolt upright in the middle of the procedure crying about pain, but they clearly then gave me enough after that because I’m not even sure it happened.

You’d think with all the medical procedures I’ve had, I’d have the highest pain tolerance of everyone, but it’s really gosh darn low.

The good thing about the cath/not-cath is that my tubes are wide open.  That’s why I’m not sure I really even had the cath.  So what was the deal about my left side being blocked when my OBGYN did my HSG in February?

According to the doc who did this cath, it’s quite possible since I was awake and had no pain meds, that I was in so much pain (because HSGs are painful muthafuckas) that I was twisting and turning and the tubes just weren’t relaxed and open for the dye to go through in february – so it looked blocked. Under the anesthesia, not moving at all, it was easy enough to get the dye through just fine.

So what does this tell me?

There is NOTHING wrong with us. With either of us.  His sperm, my eggs are fine.  My tubes are fine – so what is the deal? Why is it taking so long?

Because my OBGYN’s office told me the other day they thought I should see a specialist.  Even THEY think it’s taken too long to get PG.  Now, lucky for me I’m such an anxious bitch girl, I started seeing an RE back in April, so I’m 3 months ahead of where I would be right now if I had just stayed with the OB this entire time. All my tests are done.

So honestly, the only other thing I can think of (besides implantation problems, which I’m just not going to worry about right now, because I haven’t really HEARD of those before) is stress.
Stress stress stress.

I hate it when people tell me to stop stressing and I’ll get pregnant.  Er, no.  And F U as well.  It’s hard to not be stressed as you go for umpteen follicle checks, take nightly hormones, etc.  I wish I could not have to think about these things – but if I don’t, then I’ll forget to take my pills, etc.

But still, stress.

If you know me, you know I’m a tightly wound, highly anxious individual. Type A to the extreme.  My every day levels are stressful, even without this added stuff. So I do believe I’m just going over the edge, and that’s inhibiting this process.

Of course, this isn’t helped by the procedure I had last week.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to find there’s nothing wrong. However…my follicles aren’t growing, despite the Tamoxifen.  Last time I had the HSG, I had an anovulatory cycle. It seems I’m going in the same direction this month.  I took the Tamoxifen to hopefully overcome that but it’s not looking good…sigh…

So…I guess we wait.  I have plenty of fertile fluid…but won’t be Oing any time soon, even if I do actually end up Oing…I guess we’ll just have to see.

In the meantime, I’ve got to start figuring out how to make myself CHILL OUT.  It’s not like a switch I can just turn off…it’s almost impossible for me to do…but I need to.

Weekly massages? If they weren’t so expensive.  I’m thinking of looking up accupuncturists around here too. After all, you always hear stories of people getting accupuncture when infertile and then BOOM – pregnant.

I’ve got to do something…