I Just Couldn't

I just couldn’t post last week. I was so angry.  I just didn’t have the words.  I still don’t. Maybe one day I’ll be able to recap what happened, but today is not that day.

The crux of the matter is: I was unable to have the surgery done. I am no farther along than I was in November.  I lost a day and a half of work for no reason. K lost a day.  The hospital is looking into what happened. I want to be recompensed for the time I lost. I doubt they’ll do that, but you better believe with words like “It was unacceptable what happened, it was all our fault” I will be fighting tooth and nail for it.

I am moving ahead with IVF. Not having had a lap done, not having an injectible IUI done, because of this.

How did it come to IVF? Two years later, this is where I am.

I’m so glad 2010 is over.

Scared

Surgery is tomorrow. I’m scared.

It’s my first non-cardiac surgery. It’s so not that big a deal. It’s laprascopic, for pete’s sake.

But it’s also the first surgery not done by heart specialists.  I’m not scared of the surgery itself. I’m scared that people who aren’t used to heart patients will give me too much anesthesia or not enough oxygen or something.

I’m not saying this is rational. I have no idea if the amount of anesthesia I get is more or less than “normal” people.  I’m just scared.

It’ll be over by this time tomorrow and I’ll be home, hopefully.

Prepping for Surgery

Yesterday, I had one hell of a morning.

First, CD3 b/w and meeting with my RE for a pre-op appt.  Then, we raced back to see our counselor. Then I had pre-op testing at the hospital.

I’d been dreading it all week. It was really stressing me out.  Luckily, DH was coming with me for all of it. I told him the night before we had to get up at 5:30am to get to our first appt. on time.  That forewarning was needed, as he has a difficult time getting up in the morning.

Of course, 4am rolled around and DH wakes me up with his snoring.  I shook him lightly to turn over so that I could fall back asleep. Around that time, I determine that I can get away with getting up at 6am instead, and I reset my alarm for that.

For the first time in his life, I think, DH actually got up at 5:30am. So impressed.  I didn’t get up till 6am, but I’m really glad he got up earlier, as by the time I got up he’d barely brushed his teeth.  We were out of the house by a quarter to 7am and headed for the RE’s office 1/2 an hour away.

We got there 15 minutes before my appt. because I had to be out of there by 8:30am at the latest to make it back close to home to go to the therapist.

So we waited, and waited. I’m starting to freak out because this whole day is going to domino badly if we’re late for anything.  At 7:55am we STILL hadn’t been seen.  K goes off to find someone.
When I’m just about to burst into tears, finally another nurse comes into the room to do my U/S. She hurriedly moves through it, then sends me off to get the b/w done before we see the RE.  We’re actually out of there (U/S, b/w AND RE appt.) by 8:15am! Awesome.

Head back home and split up into two cars (since we were going to have to go separately to work later) and get to the therapist on time, then leave the therapist’s office only 5 min late. Another score!
I had no idea where we were going for the hospital and when I looked it up on the GPS, the directions didn’t make any sense. But DH took control and told me to follow him, which made me so much less stressed. We arrived right on time, gave the cars to the free valet and easily found pre-op testing.
I had an EKG and more bloodwork taken, and we met with the nurse for an interview over my medical history.  Then we were told my RE had ordered a chest x-ray.

I balked. I didn’t understand why I needed to have one.  I’m having surgery on my uterus, not my heart.  I’ve had so many chest xrays and radiation in my life, I just didn’t want to have anything unncessary done.  The nurse called my RE’s office to find out why, and was told by the nurses that he ordered one so I had to have one.  Well, that pissed me off.  I wanted to know the medical reason. If it was somehow needed for anesthesia or something, fine, I would definitely do it, but I didn’t see how it was.

I finally got a hold of one nurse who talked to the RE and said that if I talked to anesthesia and they said I didn’t need one then it was ok.  A quick two second talk with anesthesia proved me right, it wasn’t necessary. So we were done!

A long morning, but one that was made so much more less stressful by DH driving me to my first appt. then leading the way to the hospital and, of course, being with me every step of the way.

Surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday afternoon now and I’m dreading it. It’s my first non-cardiac surgery and I’m just scared they’re going to do something wrong because I don’t trust them as much as my cardiologist.  I’m also afraid they’re going to end up making me stay the night just because they’re scared of my heart and scared to let me go.

In good news however, my CD3 b/w came back quiet so I started taking BCP last night. As I took my first pill I looked at DH and said, this seems so counterintuitive to everything we’ve been trying to do. But it will save a cycle for me so I hope this works!

Another CD1

AF came with a vengeance this morning.  All righty then.

I had my monthly breakdown with DH last night.  At least once a month he’s picking up my pieces.  Then he took me out for martinis and pad thai, which made things almost better.  Almost.

And today, I’m not falling apart (yet).  My IUI injectibles are on their way to me, to be picked up Friday.  I have my CD 3 b/w scheduled for Thursday, and my “permission slip” to give so I can start taking BCP Thursday night.

I did check with my new (not really liked) IVF nurse Jen. It turns out that we’re NOT waiting for me to get another period before starting my IUI injectible cycle.  Awe-freaking-some.  When I stop taking BC after my surgery, I can start doing injectibles and continue my cycle.  So I’m really happy about that and hope it works out.

I now have fears that I will respond so incredibly well to injectibles that I will have eleventy billion follicles and have to either convert to an IVF (for which I don’t have insurance) or have to sit out the cycle altogether.  My imagination runs incredibly wild.

Another 2WW

9DPIUI, 11DPT.  Don’t feel nearly as sick as last month, which is a good thing I guess.  Of course, it’s still only 9dpo, and I didn’t start feeling “pregnant” until 11dpo last month.

So far, I don’t feel much of anything, with the exception of a bothersome stomach.  That’s likely because of the trigger shot and/or progesterone though.

I want to test, not because I think I would see anything even if I were pregnant, but because I want to know if the trigger is out of my system. But, I don’t want to waste the money, so I will continue to wait.

Too bad I’m totally obsessively thinking about it every second of the day. Man, I don’t know why I can’t make myself NOT think about it.

The Plan

Not being on any meds this month is doing wonders for my emotional state.  Sure, I still get upset, I’m still bitter, I still wish I had gotten my lap last month as planned or done a med cycle, but I’ve stopped temping and I’m enjoying it.

I will not enjoy it next Weds. when I get AF however. And yes, before you ask (not that “you’re” asking of course, but the invisible “you” in my head, apparently) we did try. So yes, it’s technically possible.  But don’t be like my now pregnant officemate who keeps telling me to stop being a sourpuss because maybe I’m pregnant.  Shut it, chica. Just because you’re pregnant after 2 months doesn’t mean that magically I will be after all this time.  Yea, I know all about the stories where cousin A or Aunt B quit trying and decided to adopt and wham! got pregnant that very month, but have you met me? That kind of stuff doesn’t happen in my life.

I do now, vaguely, have a plan going forward. It’s not crystallized yet, but it’s more crystallized than it was even a few days ago.

You’ll (again with that invisible “you”. I have no idea who I’m talking to here) recall that my new insurance that covers IVF (but not much else; it’s going to be a beast) doesn’t start until January 20th. I’m due to get AF on December 15th.  Which means that on a “normal” month, I would likely not get AF again until January 19th. (I have longer cycles, on a good month.)

Sounds perfect right?

Except next month isn’t a normal month. Because my RE royally effed up my surgery scheduling last month I’m due to get my lap done on 12/21. Now, every time I have any medical procedure whatsoever, my body freaks out, and refuses to ovulate for eleventybillion days.

Me: WTF is wrong with you? It’s CD45. Can you please ovulate so I can get on with my life and possibly have a baby before I’m 50 years old?

Body: STFU. No.

Which most likely means I won’t get my period till the end of February.
Oh hell no.  Not doing it.

Now, I’ve learned my lesson with my RE’s office. I trusted them to do their job and didn’t “manage” them like I do most doctors (which is very anally, since they very rarely do what they’re supposed to do).  And I got burned. So no more.  I called to find out how I could get IVF scheduled ASAP after 1/20/11 so I didn’t “waste” any more time.

RE’s office: Well, you can’t start any cycle until after 1/20 so even if you get your period on 1/19/11 I’m sorry you’re SOL until the next one.

Me: Um, that can’t be right. You can’t work with me on this?

RE’s office: Well, maybe. You should talk to your nurse.

So I call up Cayce, and the conversation with HER goes something like this:

Me: Hi Cayce, is there any way we might be able to start me off on an IVF cycle if I get AF a few days before Jan. 20th?

Cayce: Um, I dunno. You need to talk to the IVF Coordinator Jen.  But you can’t talk to her until you take the IVF orientation class.

Me: Ok, well, can I sign up?

Cayce: Sure. That’ll be $50.

Me: What? Ok….when is the next one?

Cayce: Um…one tomorrow. One in three weeks. But they get cancelled often.

Me: *(#&$%%#((%&(&#^&@)!!!! Ok, please sign me up.

So DH and I went to the session yesterday, with two other couples and 1 single lady (or at least she didn’t come with a partner).

I have to say, it’s kind of nice being with people in the same situation as we are.  I mean, I don’t know if it’s the same situation.  Maybe they have male factor, or high FSH or something – something more than what we have, which is nothing, as of this moment in time, but all of us want a baby and none of us have one.  Wow, I really think misery is company, huh?

We sat through an hour and half of the IVF coordinator who looked to be close to my age, but spoke like she was in high school. I wanted to kill her.

Coordinator: Well, like, then you take the shot, and then, like, you like, just have to chill because like, you have to have patience.

Fuck you lady. You have no idea what patience is until you’ve been at this for two years.

Then we got 45 minutes of the RE giving us the minute by minute walkthrough and telling us horror stories.

RE: So this doesn’t happen often, but there is the possibility your ovaries, which are the size of walnuts normally, could swell to the size of basketballs.

You think I’m kidding you? I shit you not. He actually said that.

Well, on that happy note, DH and I went out for Chipotle to make up for it.

So today I called the Coordinator, Jen.  I still can’t stand her. But we’ve worked this plan out:

1. AF comes on 12/15.
2. Go in for CD3 b/w. Start taking birth control pill.
3. Surgery 12/21.
4. Stop taking BCP 12/23.
5. AF comes again within a few days(does it work like that?? I might need to call back and make sure of that) and I start a new cycle. Bwahaha! I have foiled my eleventy billion day cycle!
Now, my insurance won’t kick in till 1/20. But rather than waste the time, start doing injectables. Do IUI (it apparently has double the “success rate” as IUI with Clomid OR Femara. If that doesn’t work, we’ll be past 1/20 and can start doing IVF.

I wanted to come as close to 1/20 as I could. I think this will put me a few days past it, but in return, I get another cycle, after the lap. I hope the lap will do the trick, personally.

Now I just have to hope AF comes quickly after stopping BC. I’m not sure it will.

Where I Am Today

Since April, I’ve been on multiple fertility drugs, luteal support drugs, IUI’s, etc.

April 2010 – Clomid, TI, progesterone –  BFP, M/C

May 2010 – Clomid, TI, HCG, progesterone -BFN

June 2010 – Clomid, Estrogen, TI, progesterone – BFN

July 2010 – Tamoxifen, Estrogen, Transfallopian Catheterization, TI, progesterone – BFN

August 2010 – Letrazole, HCG, IUI, progesterone – BFN

September 2010 – IUI, progesterone – BFN

October 2010 – Letrazole, HCG, IUI, progesterone – BFN

November 2010 – nothing….BFN

December – laparascopic surgery

Suffice it to say, I’m still in the same place today than I was in April.

This makes me incredibly sad. 2010 was not my year either. Just like 2008 and 2009 weren’t.

I pray to God 2011 is my year.