Dreams

CD 33, no O.  I see the OBGYN next Weds., at which point I’ll be CD38.  I still have fertile fluid (every day for the last 20+ days now!) and I feel like I could O, but what the heck do I know? Not much.

I had such a real-feeling dream last night.  I was out somewhere, with my hands on my stomach, feeling the bulge of a life inside me.  It wasn’t “fat” (though goodness knows I have enough of that), it was harder, more round, the obviousness of a pregnant belly.

And I had to pee, alot. In my dream I mean.

Which probably was just because I had to pee in real life, since I soon woke up having to go to the bathroom. But still, for those brief moments, it was so happy.

The first time I got pregnant, I had crazy dreams about pregnancy before I found out.  The second time, that didn’t happen, although another cycle (where I was not pregnant) I dreamed about holding a 3 year old (that was mine) in my arms. No longer a baby though.

And now this one.  Where I haven’t even ovulated, so I couldn’t possibly be pregnant.

I wish I could dream about a baby of mine every night.

No Change

Or so I figure. I am not getting any more follicle checks so who knows. But no positive OPK yet, no temperature jump.

I’m in nada-land.

No Growth

It’s been 9 days since I last wrote, and in that time, my follicles grew by 2mm.  Actually they grew by 2mm in 12 days (since the last time I wrote they were exactly the same size as they had been 3 days before).  They are supposed to grow by 2mm PER DAY.

Which means, yep, another anovulatory cycle.  My OBGYN said “we’re going to abort the cycle” which gave me hope that they would give me provera to bring about AF, but apparently they won’t do that. I have an appt. on 8/4. If AF hasn’t come by then, then they’ll give it me.

And it’s another month lost.

I’ve had fertile CM EVERY SINGLE DAY since I last wrote.  My body wants to O but is also in shutdown mode. How frustrating.

The only positive I can see is that my temps haven’t been erratic at all, unlike my other anovulatory cycle. So maybe I will O, eventually.  But by the time I see the doc? Probably not.

And Ali is out on maternity leave for the next three months.

Don't Think About It

I bought some yellow plums at the farmer’s market yesterday and am regretting it.  Wanted some apricots but the bright yellowness attracted me.  They’re not so sweet though, unlike the apricots, darn it.

So…here we are day 15.  Should be gearing up to O, but of course not. I know this because I had a follicle check this morning and they haven’t grown at all since Friday.  I know why of course, but it doesn’t make things any better.

The reason why is because of the transfallopian cervical cath I had last week.  Honestly, I’m not sure I had the full cath -, but they knocked me out and got all up in my hoo ha, so I guess it’s all the same.  Thank goodness for anesthesia – I have a vague, vague memory (which I’m not all too sure really happened or I just dreamed it) of me sitting bolt upright in the middle of the procedure crying about pain, but they clearly then gave me enough after that because I’m not even sure it happened.

You’d think with all the medical procedures I’ve had, I’d have the highest pain tolerance of everyone, but it’s really gosh darn low.

The good thing about the cath/not-cath is that my tubes are wide open.  That’s why I’m not sure I really even had the cath.  So what was the deal about my left side being blocked when my OBGYN did my HSG in February?

According to the doc who did this cath, it’s quite possible since I was awake and had no pain meds, that I was in so much pain (because HSGs are painful muthafuckas) that I was twisting and turning and the tubes just weren’t relaxed and open for the dye to go through in february – so it looked blocked. Under the anesthesia, not moving at all, it was easy enough to get the dye through just fine.

So what does this tell me?

There is NOTHING wrong with us. With either of us.  His sperm, my eggs are fine.  My tubes are fine – so what is the deal? Why is it taking so long?

Because my OBGYN’s office told me the other day they thought I should see a specialist.  Even THEY think it’s taken too long to get PG.  Now, lucky for me I’m such an anxious bitch girl, I started seeing an RE back in April, so I’m 3 months ahead of where I would be right now if I had just stayed with the OB this entire time. All my tests are done.

So honestly, the only other thing I can think of (besides implantation problems, which I’m just not going to worry about right now, because I haven’t really HEARD of those before) is stress.
Stress stress stress.

I hate it when people tell me to stop stressing and I’ll get pregnant.  Er, no.  And F U as well.  It’s hard to not be stressed as you go for umpteen follicle checks, take nightly hormones, etc.  I wish I could not have to think about these things – but if I don’t, then I’ll forget to take my pills, etc.

But still, stress.

If you know me, you know I’m a tightly wound, highly anxious individual. Type A to the extreme.  My every day levels are stressful, even without this added stuff. So I do believe I’m just going over the edge, and that’s inhibiting this process.

Of course, this isn’t helped by the procedure I had last week.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to find there’s nothing wrong. However…my follicles aren’t growing, despite the Tamoxifen.  Last time I had the HSG, I had an anovulatory cycle. It seems I’m going in the same direction this month.  I took the Tamoxifen to hopefully overcome that but it’s not looking good…sigh…

So…I guess we wait.  I have plenty of fertile fluid…but won’t be Oing any time soon, even if I do actually end up Oing…I guess we’ll just have to see.

In the meantime, I’ve got to start figuring out how to make myself CHILL OUT.  It’s not like a switch I can just turn off…it’s almost impossible for me to do…but I need to.

Weekly massages? If they weren’t so expensive.  I’m thinking of looking up accupuncturists around here too. After all, you always hear stories of people getting accupuncture when infertile and then BOOM – pregnant.

I’ve got to do something…

Just A Matter of Time

BFNs all weekend.  My temperature has PLUMMETED to pre-O levels. But no period yet.  Why do this to me? Why not just let it come?  We’re going camping this weekend too, latrines and no showers, and all I need is my period on top of that. Blechh.  Yet, still nothing has come yet.  It’s clearly not the progesterone keeping me going as my temps are so low, so what is it?

Effin' A, man.

Crash Into Me

I want to go home.  I wish I didn’t have to be at work.  I suppose I technically don’t have to, I have enough sick/vacation time to take the day off, but I don’t know what my excuse would be, especially now that I’m here.  And it’s Friday.

Today is 13/14 dpo.  I tested this morning. Did you really think I’d be able to hold out tomorrow? I really thought I was more 14dpo than 13dpo, but it was so negative I’m now praying it isn’t.  Still, I doubt the stick will all of a sudden turn a brilliant shade of pink tomorrow when it was so white today.
Every month this happens, it throws me into a tailspin.  This morning was no different.  DH had “ordered” me not to test until tomorrow (like I would listen) and heard me crying in the shower.  He knew why, and asked me if I had tested. We spent far too much of the morning when we should have been getting ready for work curled up on the bed, me crying to him.  He’s so disappointed too.  For the longest time, he didn’t seem too concerned when a month didn’t turn out the way we wanted, but the last couple, he’s been increasingly more sad.  And that just makes me even more sad.  I’m failing him.  I know he says I’m not, but I don’t have any other reason.  His sperm is fine. There’s no real need for an IUI other than the fact we’re not getting pregnant.  All his bloodwork has been fine.  Sure, all mine has been fine too, but beyond sperm, what does the man really contribute? I’m the host. I provide not only the egg, but the receptacle, so clearly it’s me.  And I just don’t understand. The only concrete problem we’ve seen so far was with my HSG, with my left tube mostly blocked, and the right tube blocked but opened with the HSG. I O’d from the right this month, so what was the problem? How did this again not happen for us? Timing was perfect.  Why does God do this to me month after month?
I called Ali this morning to find out if I should stop the progesterone.  She is out today so they put me through to another nurse’s mailbox.  This nurse will also be out for 12 weeks starting 7/1, but is here today.  Is their whole office pregnant?  Geez.  She called me back and said I could stop taking the progesterone so AF would come. I will tomorrow if it’s negative.  Fuck it all. Just in case I’m just a day early though, I’ll wait till tomorrow.

I didn’t want next cycle to come.  I’m going to get some sort of ovarian catheterization.  Basically, a rotorooter of my fallopian tubes to see if they are open or open them or something.  I don’t know why they wouldn’t be since I had the HSG done, but this is with the RE now so that’s what he wants to see, and honestly, I believe in him more than my OBGYN, who would probably put me on Clomid yet again.

But I didn’t want it to come, not only because I can’t be on any meds because of the procedure (which is fine, I think I need a break anyway) but because I’m so tired of pain. I’ve had so many surgeries, procedures, blood, pain in the last year/year and a half, and I just didn’t want one more thing.  Haven’t I had enough?  How much must one person endure?  I know it sounds so self-pitying to say, but it’s the way I feel.  I need something positive to happen for me, please.  I’m coming to the end of my rope, I seriously need an extended vacation, and sometimes wish I could check myself into some place for “exhaustion,” but I guess only celebrities can do that.  At the very least, I wish I didn’t have to come to work today.

And also, having this “cath” means most likely (especially without meds) that my ovulation will be delayed next month.  After my heart caths my cycles were always 45-60 days long, and this is directly on the important parts so why wouldn’t it be the same or longer?  So I probably won’t even get another chance to try for a month and a half or 2 months.

My FSIL has her shower and second b-party tomorrow.  I don’t want to go. More than anything. I wish I could just stay home in bed and watch TV.  But instead I must go, put on a happy face, and “have fun.” Sure.

New Week

Today I’m either 9 or 10dpo.  I’m not sure which, but again, to be safe, treating it like 9dpo.  Once again, I’m crabby.

I made all future temping and stuff in FF private.  I wish it was like FB and I could decide who could see my temps and who not, but I’m kind of tired of some people looking and emailing me asking how things are, when the only thing I want to say to them is, “Shitty, ok?”

I got the “dreaded” letter from my RE nurse, Ali, in the mail last week.  The letter that says, “I will be out for 12 weeks starting in mid-to-late July but in the meantime you will be in the capable hands of nurse Cayce.”  Yes, my pregnant RE nurse is about ready to give birth.  One more person that’s not me.
And I had a terrible conversation with my sister yesterday.  She and I are not that close but have been starting to get closer, mostly as a result of her maturing a bit. She’s lost about 50lbs in the last year by doing something along the lines of Clean Eating, but as a result has become a bit cultish about it.  She’s 23, knows nothing about babies or pregnancy, but surpised me because she does know what PCOS is.  She dared say to me that she wondered if I was having so much trouble conceiving because of the amount of sugar I eat. Keep in mind, she doesn’t actually know how much sugar I eat, so that was annoying in myself.  And by sugar, she means, fruit and milk, and bread, and yes, I said she was a little cultish, right?   I literally told her “I will fucking kick your ass” if you say that again to me, but the emotional damage for me was already done.

Why I should care when she doesn’t have a clue about anything, I don’t know.  But it still made me want to cry. It’s along the lines of my BFF who hasn’t yet begun TTC but will in August/September telling me, “If you would just relax, you’d get pregnant.”  FUCK YOU.  Even though I love both of you, FUCK YOU.  And I may be a horrible person, but part of me wants it to take just a little while for my BFF to get pregnant just so she can know that it doesn’t matter how little you stress, that has nothing to do with it.

So, I’m just waiting to test…and not feeling very positive.  Damn it.  I would like to be uplifting just once.