Venting

I read alot of infertility blogs through Google reader and subscribed to them through Blogger. I have TRIED to unsubscribe to a few pregnant IFers for months now and every time I think I have it, whole bunches of posts of theirs show up. I hate knowing they're at 26 weeks now or whatever - I unsubscribed for a reason (my own mental sanity) so I wish it would just stop showing up!

I joined an FB surrogacy group yesterday after much contemplation, because it connects my real name to this blog in a way, which I have tried very hard not to do. I don't know why I have a problem sharing about this journey in real life, but I know that if IRL people read what I write here it would cause me to a) not write as much and b) be careful about what I write.

I thought I had all the "news options" on my FB ticked off and was very pleased that it didn't show up on my wall after I joined because I was thinking I had mastered the privacy settings which are constantly changing. Then some hours later when I checked FB again, I saw that my mom had joined the same surrogacy group.

I instantly burst into tears. This is what I mean about emotions always being nearly right at the surface - almost anything brings me to tears. It wasn't so much my mother joining, although it was that as well, but at that apparently my joining had been broadcast to all my FB friends when nearly none of them know about surrogacy and only a handful even know about adoption. Why am I embarrassed? I don't know. I know intellectually I shouldn't be, but in a way I feel like a failure of nature. No one else I know on FB has ever adopted (not that I've asked) and only a handful have done IVF, ALL successfully. I've never posted anything about my infertility journey, and the only thing ever related to babies I've ever posted was on the day of what should have been my twins' birth. That day I posted that lovely quote from Laura Bush.

I won't have a problem telling people AFTER we have a child that it's been adopted or through a surrogate, so I know I shouldn't have a problem doing it now, but I do. There's a level of pity there, I feel, which won't be so present after it's already been done.

So yeah, I was really upset yesterday when I saw that. And then I was super mad at my mother. She and my dad are the only people in my family that know we're doing surrogacy, and my ILs are the only people in L's. And now she's (unwittingly?) broadcast it to every one of her friends and family in FB. And she's NOT doing surrogacy herself, so why must she insert herself into everything? She is really not sensitive in the slightest. She already constantly tells me how she's going to be an old grandmother after I've told her how hurtful that is (oh yes, because I have INTENTIONALLY not had a child after all this time). She even told me I should tell our potential surrogate that she feels that way (that she's going to be an old grandmother) because she thought it would help convince the surrogate to work with us. Um, no. Again, first off, very hurtful to me, secondly, thanks for making it all about you. Third, we're PAYING a surrogate, we don't need to beg them to do anything. That's my mom, having really no faith in me and thinking that I can't get anything done on my own merits. When I was younger and not married she would tell me that if I found a guy who wanted to marry me but hated my cats, I should get rid of my cats ASAP. I would respond by telling her I would never marry a man who hated my cats, and she said I would never get married then. (I had two cats, it wasn't like I was crazy cat woman or anything. And I married a man who had two cats of his own, so there.)

She also understands nothing about IVF and really makes no attempt to. But she wants to be in this group? Effing bullshit. I'm so so upset. I should have just stayed out like was my first inclination.

And thus concludes word vomit Tuesday.