Thursday, February 9, 2012

Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Ugh. What do I do?

Do I tell Gabby that there's a possibility my eggs are useless and this may not work so she's fully informed? Or is that just a chance she takes anyway (nothing's ever guaranteed to work) and just go forward (which we're leaning towards).

I want to be up front but I'm also scared about scaring her away because she doesn't understand infertility stuff like I do. I also don't know much yet, and I would like to wait until I know more about this possible issue, but the doctor emailed me today and told me we can't talk until Weds.


  1. I don't know what to tell you in this situation, but I don't blame you for not wanting to tell her. I think it's completely understandable if this is what you should choose.

  2. There's a bigger question at hand that has to be answered before you decide whether or not to disclose. That question is, "What kind of relationship do my husband and I want to have with Gabby?"

    This likely will not be the last bump in the road during the surrogacy journey for you, and considering whether withholding information and the relational dynamics that come from that decision will be crucial. How do you want her to approach difficulties and problems with you? Do you want her to feel safe and comfortable? Not telling her potentially forces you into a position of feeling guilt and inauthentic in this relationship that no matter what - will be longterm in one capacity or another.

    Take out legalities and money for a moment. If the situation were reversed, would you want her to tell you? If you believe that openness and honesty fundamentally create trust absolutely is vital in navigating the complexity of surrogacy, then that will hopefully lead you to a clearer answer. If a tenuous relationship or one in which she finds something out later and grows to resent or mistrust you, is not as important as the end result - that's another answer as well to consider.

    Best of luck in whatever you decide....

    1. Thanks for your thoughtful response noggindoctor. It's something I've been talking over with L since this all came up on Tuesday. I've written and rewritten emails to her bunches of times already in an effort to be as clear as possible.

      I'm not a liar. Heh, not that you said I was, I'm just stating it :) I often think I go too far the opposite way, to my detriment in saying the truth IRL. I told Gabby via email after I met her how glad L and I were that we get along so well with her and her husband because I really don't think this journey would be possible with someone we couldn't trust. I think it's imperative that we be on the same page and able to talk to each other, because you are totally right, this will not be the last bump in the road. Although seriously, why not? It's so easy for so many other people. Even surrogacy goes smoothly for most people.

      But at the same time, we're not actually contracted to each other yet (I am contracted to the Agency, which is where the money has gone) but we're not with each other. The other thing is that she doesn't understand infertility stuff. I bet I could (and I do) talk to all my fellow infertiles who read this blog (and plenty others) and they would know whether or not to really freak out about this kind of stuff, but everything has gone so well fertility wise for her (god bless her). She's told me that she thinks if we put two embryos in her she will automatically become pregnant with twins. And we all know that's not necessarily the case.

      I thought I would have a ton of choices for surrogate carriers when we decided to go down this road. In fact, we've seen three profiles, and she has been the only one I liked very much. I don't want to lose her. And I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and her saying, "I want guaranteed money so I'm leaving." Maybe that's selling her short, but I don't know her all that well yet. A handful of emails, one phone conversation, and one three hour meeting is all we've had. Considering the amount of money we're spending, I need to protect myself as well. At least until we're legally obligated to work with each other :)

      That being said, I wrote her an extensive email earlier telling her what my doctor said so far. I got back an email that was 2 sentences long. So either a) she doesn't understand it at all b) she doesn't care or c) she's starting to freak out about working with me.

      None of those options feel very good :(

  3. I'm glad you didn't take my statement as calling you a liar - so not intended that way in the least! :) It's so freaking hard to balance doing "the right thing" with honesty and integrity against getting the ultimate happy ending you've wanted for so long and the intense anxiety that comes with jeopardizing it, isn't it? It's a constant balance and never easy. Sigh.

    In regards to her short response, perhaps there is a D) Maybe she needs some time to Google, WebMD and process it. Maybe? Hopefully? The truth is, complications and relational snafus pop up all the time and people who need surrogacy (including me!) never feel like straightforward, simple cases. Otherwise, we'd save ourselves a buttload of money and go on a Caribbean vacation and buy a Lexus instead. If she's going to get spooked by just the IDEA of this, Ducky - she may not be the right one for you, because who is to say she could handle more serious complications if they popped up down the line? She's going to have to get used to some complicated stuff for herself and in terms of possibilities in many facets of this journey. But give it some time and try not to freak out. Yet. You have plenty of time to do that later. Easier said that done I know, but hang in there. We're rootin' for ya. :)

  4. Okay and this is confusing. NogginDoc and PsychGal are the same person. My stupid Google account confused an email account I use solely for spam as the one I wanted the last time. Sorry about that. :)