Thursday, December 13, 2012

How Things Can Be So Good Yet I Still Feel Stuck

What I'm going to write is probably going to make some of you want to smack me. I'm going to sound like a brat. I know it. And I apologize in advance.

I went back to the RE after my latest PCOS b/w just to ask if there was anything else we could test for that could explain my difficulties getting pregnant/staying pregnant.

We've dropped my insurance (I'll go on L's in the new year) because we only kept it for the infertility benefits and we need to save as much $ as possible since I'll be out of work 6 months next year and we won't have my paycheck at all.  So while I have the insurance these last two weeks, I just thought I'd make a futile, last ditch stab at it.

It sounds so bratty. I know we'll (hopefully) have two babies next year and I'm STILL trying to figure it out so that maybe I could get pregnant one day. I would be thrilled with 1 baby and getting two is just a dream. So why can't I just STFU and forget about anything else?

Well, if it makes anyone feel better, I waited 40 minutes past my appointment time for a 10 minute appointment with the RE who basically said, "No, nothing else to do. Stop bothering me."

Ok, he didn't say it like that, but it was 10 minutes long and he did say there was nothing else. He also said with my heart, maybe I shouldn't be getting pregnant. Which pissed me off to no end because dude, you're not a cardiologist. I informed him my cardiologist said it was ok for me to get pregnant, which shut him up. But basically I hated him.

I don't know why it should surprise me, people have been telling me my whole life I can't do stuff because of my heart, and it seems as I get older, I'm getting more and more annoyed by it. Maybe it's because I am realizing how much I'm not like other people. Not having my own babies has made me feel like so much more of an outsider than not being able to run a race like everyone else ever did when I was kid.  Maybe it's the same thing as when you're little, you think you can grow up and be anything, even the President of the United States, and when you grow up, you realize what a lie that was.  I realize now my heart DOES keep me from things I never thought it could or would when I was little.

I've been sleeping so crappy for the last month and feeling so down in the dumps it's led to all sorts of crazy things, like my testing for PCOS and glucose intolerance and seeing the RE in the spur of the moment. After 3 hours of sleep last night, I had it. I went to see my PCP to beg for something to help me sleep. I've been trying Benadryl, and Tylenol PM (when I have a headache) and it's just not working all that well.

The nurse tech I saw before the PA asked me if I was depressed and I told her. I'm not depressed. How can I be depressed? I'm anxious as hell because so much is going on, but not depressed. Good things are happening for the first time in years! When the PA came in I talked to her and she made me feel not as crazy. She said I didn't need an anti-anxiety pill and gave me a small prescription for Ambien. She said I just need to get back on a good schedule and she believes everything will work itself out for me. And she said something I totally agreed with - I've been go go going for so long, so many doctors, working for so long towards babies and now things are starting to come together and it's making me anxious. I don't know how that makes sense but it does. Why things working well for once should make me anxious, I don't know, but it's true. It's almost like I don't know what to do with all that effort I used to be making.

I actually do decently well on low sleep, I haven't gotten more than 4 hours a night in months. But it's catching up to me, making me over emotional, over anxious, and in a few months (hopefully) I'll be getting no sleep! So I need to do so now.

Hoping tonight I could get a full 8 hours.


  1. Oh goodness! You 100% do NOT sound crazy at all! I completely understand! We have a 7 month old IN HAND and we still wonder if/how I could get pregnant in the not-too-distant future!
    Also, I think I saw on Resolve that your RE hasn't tested your AMH level yet, is that right? Because, if so, he is obviously NOT thorough!! Blech! :/

    And I'm so sorry about your lack of sleep. I would NOT be functional with 4 hours a night! Yikes! :-) I say go for sleeping pills while you can. :) I'm actually on an extremely low dose of anti-anxiety sleeping pills that I can take on occasion when I can't sleep and they are complete life-savers. Just know that if Ambien doesn't work or makes you feel crazy (it did for me), there are lots of options for sleep help out there. :-) I was on Lunesta for a couple of years on an as-needed basis (and it was a wonderful, wonderful drug) and now on lorazapam as-needed for a few years. There are some drugs that do some wonderful things and I love them. :) Sleep is amazing when it actually happens. hehe :)

    1. I got 8.5 hours last night and it was glorious! And I could still use more! I think I will use it through the weekend at least to have a few days of awesome sleep :)

      My AMH level was tested and it was good! Maybe that's someone else you were thinking of. Basically all that b/w came back fine. My eggs are good, my hormone levels are good (supposedly although I just think something's up with them still) but my body just hates my babies :(

      I'm glad to know there are some options out there. I haven't ruled out anti-anxiety stuff in the future. I am just an anxious person generally!

  2. Sorry about your sleep. I hope the meds resolve it.

    As for the anxiety, totally understandable. And about the wanting to know and the RE brushing you off... first off, what a jerk. Secondly, it makes sense to me. After everything you've went through, you've watched all three embryos take in another person. I can only imagine how many emotions and how much confusion that has to elicit. It's only natural to want answers! It's unfortunate that testing is still limited and we don't yet know everything, but I can understand wanting to know why. I had a whole bunch of "possible" reasons I was miscarrying, and while that sucked in it's own way, at least I could take some comfort in having some answers. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through what you did and still not know what exactly happened and why it keeps happening :( While you are closing in on having these little girls, the questions still hang unanswered... you don't have any closure on it, and don't know what that means for the future.

    At least, that's my take on it! I could be totally wrong, but I do think it makes sense, and you definitely don't sound crazy to me.

    1. Yes yes yes! You have it exactly. I'm glad I don't sound crazy to you. I just want answers. Even if they're not "good answers" and it means there's nothing else I can ever do- that's fine, if I just kne that.

  3. I think what you're feeling has to be normal. If surrogacy works, then why doesn't a pregnancy of your own work? It would probably be easier to move on if someone had identified something concrete. But it doesn't sound like anyone ever did and it's easier for some doctors to point to a known problem even though it has nothing to do with the pregnancies (your heart). I am still having a hard time not being pissed that I'm different and will NEVER be like other people. I read a blog by a woman who adopted two babies after going through years of infertility. I think she had been told pregnancy was basically impossible. She loved her babies, of course, but she admitted that she still wanted to be pregnant. I think it takes a lot of time to come to terms with letting that idea go.

    Long way of saying I don't think you're whining or being bratty. You're just being honest. And I'm impressed with your PA for taking the time to talk you through it at your appointment.

    1. It was so nice of her to not make me feel batshit crazy :) But you are right as to me thinking, "what the heck is wrong with me that my babies can't survive in me?" And if it was a known problem - it would be much easier to let go of that hope that maybe one day one might make it. If I knew it could never happen it would give me closure that I can't seem to get. Yes, I think that woman in the blog you mentioned sounds a lot like me. I have problems letting go.

    2. The woman in the blog -- her kids were older, too. Like 4 and up. I'm all about letting go, but I also think we need to accept when we can't and just give ourselves a break, you know? If you were to never let go of the idea of being pregnant yourself and always wonder what if, I think that would be ok and totally normal. You're still going to have your babies and love them to pieces. But you're not super human. The whole process of accepting things and letting go has been on my mind for the past year or so. Sometimes I feel like I move forward, only to have a really bad week later. I've stopped trying to fight it or think I should have different feelings. It just is.

  4. You don't spud crazy at all, and honestly, if I were in ur position, I'd want to know if more were possible too. I think some sleep
    Will help u feel better. Xoxox!

  5. I swear I am the queen of anxiety, so to me you sound normal-or just like me. I get how you feel about still wanting that chance to be pregnant again and bring home a baby that you carried. I often think that even though we are going to be using a carrier and even if we are blessed with twins as well, there will always be that part of me that can't let it go. I hate getting told I shouldn't get pregnant again and not sure if I'll ever except that, but I also know that it is risky and could I put my life and another babies life at risk with my stupid uterus. I am annoyed with some RE's and MFM doc's because I wonder how they would feel if they were in our situations. Would they take there own advice if it were the with the bad heart or crappy uterus??

  6. Sounds perfectly normal considering the circumstances.
    Your babies will help you get a new schedule and new things to concentrate on.
    When you're able to have several good nights of sleep in a row maybe it will reset your body to where things seem easier.
    And never feel bad about getting a second or seventieth opinion on medical things.