What I'm going to write is probably going to make some of you want to smack me. I'm going to sound like a brat. I know it. And I apologize in advance.
I went back to the RE after my latest PCOS b/w just to ask if there was anything else we could test for that could explain my difficulties getting pregnant/staying pregnant.
We've dropped my insurance (I'll go on L's in the new year) because we only kept it for the infertility benefits and we need to save as much $ as possible since I'll be out of work 6 months next year and we won't have my paycheck at all. So while I have the insurance these last two weeks, I just thought I'd make a futile, last ditch stab at it.
It sounds so bratty. I know we'll (hopefully) have two babies next year and I'm STILL trying to figure it out so that maybe I could get pregnant one day. I would be thrilled with 1 baby and getting two is just a dream. So why can't I just STFU and forget about anything else?
Well, if it makes anyone feel better, I waited 40 minutes past my appointment time for a 10 minute appointment with the RE who basically said, "No, nothing else to do. Stop bothering me."
Ok, he didn't say it like that, but it was 10 minutes long and he did say there was nothing else. He also said with my heart, maybe I shouldn't be getting pregnant. Which pissed me off to no end because dude, you're not a cardiologist. I informed him my cardiologist said it was ok for me to get pregnant, which shut him up. But basically I hated him.
I don't know why it should surprise me, people have been telling me my whole life I can't do stuff because of my heart, and it seems as I get older, I'm getting more and more annoyed by it. Maybe it's because I am realizing how much I'm not like other people. Not having my own babies has made me feel like so much more of an outsider than not being able to run a race like everyone else ever did when I was kid. Maybe it's the same thing as when you're little, you think you can grow up and be anything, even the President of the United States, and when you grow up, you realize what a lie that was. I realize now my heart DOES keep me from things I never thought it could or would when I was little.
I've been sleeping so crappy for the last month and feeling so down in the dumps it's led to all sorts of crazy things, like my testing for PCOS and glucose intolerance and seeing the RE in the spur of the moment. After 3 hours of sleep last night, I had it. I went to see my PCP to beg for something to help me sleep. I've been trying Benadryl, and Tylenol PM (when I have a headache) and it's just not working all that well.
The nurse tech I saw before the PA asked me if I was depressed and I told her. I'm not depressed. How can I be depressed? I'm anxious as hell because so much is going on, but not depressed. Good things are happening for the first time in years! When the PA came in I talked to her and she made me feel not as crazy. She said I didn't need an anti-anxiety pill and gave me a small prescription for Ambien. She said I just need to get back on a good schedule and she believes everything will work itself out for me. And she said something I totally agreed with - I've been go go going for so long, so many doctors, working for so long towards babies and now things are starting to come together and it's making me anxious. I don't know how that makes sense but it does. Why things working well for once should make me anxious, I don't know, but it's true. It's almost like I don't know what to do with all that effort I used to be making.
I actually do decently well on low sleep, I haven't gotten more than 4 hours a night in months. But it's catching up to me, making me over emotional, over anxious, and in a few months (hopefully) I'll be getting no sleep! So I need to do so now.
Hoping tonight I could get a full 8 hours.