Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Insert Scream Here

Not much to say...just moving along waiting and waiting and waiting. To be absolutely honest, the Ambien isn't even helping that much. The first night was awesome, since then I'm not even sleeping fully through the night with it. I talked to one of my closest friends who happens to be a social worker and she said I should go ask for a very low level anxiety med for the next few months until the babies are here. Also that I'm insane for trying to do so much before they come.

I think it's just that I want everything to be perfect before they are here. I want the nursery to be awesome, the house to be spotless, the dog to behave, the money to pay Gabby her maternity leave to magically appear. It's really crazy how much I'm trying to make just right.

I'm trying to make curtains for the room right now. I gave up on making the crib quilts, instead I've "outsourced" - actually got someone on Etsy to make them for me (I hope she does a good job). We have to finish the flooring and the baseboards and the quarter round and caulk and hang up pictures and sand and prime and paint the cribs and buy the unfinished dresser and prime and paint that as well, possibly a bookcase and shelves as well, and all the stuff that was in the nursery closet is now out in a pile and making me feel like a hoarder (how the hell did we fit so much stuff in that closet?).

And yes, like I said, this is how crazy I am and how my brain is working these days, one run on sentence...on and on with everything I have to do.

I've bought presents for 18 people now. And not easy Amazon gift cards or whatever. My family and L's family are batshit crazy about gifts and I just don't get it. We are all past 30 years old - why does everyone need to get a present? Why can't we do Secret Santa or something else? How am I the ONLY one who doesn't care about presents? I tried to complain to my mother for the umpteenth time (of course inlaws I can't do that with) and she went on and on about how we all need to have stuff to open on Christmas Day.

No we don't. We're not kids. I swear my mom is such a child sometimes. So on top of everything else I've been shopping like a madwoman spending money I don't really need to spend on people who need NOTHING because otherwise I will get bitched at.

And she's driving me nuts. She and my aunt were going to do my shower - months ago she said this. None of my friends stepped in because she wanted to do it. But I guess my aunt isn't doing much (I love her but she doesn't have a lot of money and I think she is really depressed over it and I wish she wouldn't worry and just help out with the work part of it) so my mom keeps calling me and basically having me do everything for the shower. I can't do that on top of everything else. And apparently my mother thinks I have nothing else do to with my time because every time I tell her I have so much to do she asks me what the hell I do all day? Oh, nothing besides working full time, and cleaning the house, laundry, working on nursery stuff, my Etsy shop, and two blogs. She would tell me to just stop doing everything else. Ok. Sure.

So I asked her if I could give her my friend's number (that she knows very well, we grew up together) because said friend (the afore-mentioned social worker) LOVES party planning, and my mom said, "I guess. So why didn't she offer to do the shower then?" Making me feel absolutely shitty like I FORCED her to plan my shower when it was my mother who was so excited months and months ago she was calling me every two minutes to pick invites.

So I called my friend and asked her if she could help my mom out and she was like "OMG yes. I've wanted to do it but I didn't want to step on toes, etc." Thank God it's a load off my mind. My mom was sending me pictures of things for centerpieces, asking me what games we should do, to buy this for the shower and that and ...Jeez, i just don't need that right now.

And of course, we're hosting Christmas for 11 people next week. And the house is in shambles because of the nursery stuff, we need to cook a ton, and I work Christmas Eve (L is off thank goodness), and we need to drive to my BFF's house 45 minutes away (1 way) this weekend to pick up 6 folding chairs and a table. We have one dining room table that holds 4. That's it.

And I really wish we could drive out to see Gabby before the babies are born but I don't think it's going to happen. I will never have felt my children move in utero :( There's just no time...and it's something I really wanted to experience.

And what else? My dog is acting up and I'm getting stressed thinking how I'm going to manage her and 2 BABIES in our condo which just seems smaller by the day (probably because of the aforementioned we have SO MUCH CRAP!!!)

And work is stressful too. My work BFF left a month ago and they decided to give me all her work and then some so I am now doing the job of 2.5 people. Of course no promotion.

Didn't I start this by saying I didn't have much to say? And this is why I need medication.

I am so looking forward to maternity leave.



10 comments:

  1. Wow, you do have a lot on your plate!! So glad your friend finally gets to helps with the shower! You shouldn't have to do ANYTHING for your own shower! Just a word of caution about anti-anxiety meds - if you choose to go on them and then quit taking them when your babies arrive, there's a good chance you'll go through some withdrawal. Like anxiety, depression, panic attacks, nausea, headaches, irritability, etc. I would say keep delegating things like you've been starting to do to lessen your stress instead. Remember your babies won't be judging you for how your house looks! :)

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    1. Thanks for the caution - I'll definitely keep that in mind if I take them! And I don't really want to go through a withdrawal- I'll have enough to deal with!

      My babies won't judge but my mom will! I told her she could come up when they are born but I'm really regretting it now. Some moms will help with the cleaning and cooking and let you deal with the babies - my mom will want the opposite! :)

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  2. LOVE you need to BREATH!!!!!!!! It will be ok, you'll get everything done. Sounds like you need to start telling people NO, no you can not come over, NO I will not buy gifts. NO NO NO NO. easier said than done I know. Hang in there. I'm always around if you need somebody to call and complain to. Hang in there!

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    1. Can I delegate you to tell people No for me? Hahahaha! You are definitely so much better at it than me!

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    2. I'm really not, I always feel so bad! But I'm really good at it for other people so next time call me and I'll say she can't sorry, nope, no, NO lol

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  3. I'm so glad your mom is off your case. Don't think any more about it.

    How about yoga for anxiety? If a week of that and scaling back your goals doesn't work- check out what meds are available to you. The only thing I thought of is if you were planning to induce lactation for your babies that could be something to consider.

    As far as anxiety and run-on sentences and wanting everything perfect (pretty much everything you're saying here)...it sounds like you're just going through being a mom-to-be!

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    1. Not doing lactation (after so many IUIs, IVFs I'm a little bit leery about putting more chemicals/hormones in me) but I should try something else. problem is that anything else feels like one more thing I need to do. Ugh, vicious cycle. But thank you so much for telling me I sound like a mom-to-be! :) I would love to be like one of thos!

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    2. You are! Nesting, stress, worry?....Congratulations! Ladies can lactate based on just nipple stimulation without adding hormones, in case you were unfamiliar with that. Not trying to burden you with another thing, just info. I'm just one more person who doesn't know you but is so excited for you!

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    3. I didn't know that!! Gah! Wish i had found that out earlier! Thank you for the info! Thank you for your excitement for me! :)

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