Canceled

Surgery is canceled. Someone screwed up and didn’t realize I needed a cardiac anesthetist. By the time they realized it, the hospital I was going to have the surgery at, told them they cannot do it bc they don’t have a cardiac anesthetist. They tried to get be into a different one, but were unable to. (obviously, since it’s Thanksgiving week)

I am nowhere close to ovulating. Maybe an 11 mm. follicle, but it might be a cyst. They took bloodwork this morning to find out.

I feel barren and hopeless.

Oh, It Gets Worse

I’ve been waiting for open enrollment, which I’ve been told is November, since January of this year, so I could switch plans to get on one that covers IVF.

I thought I needed open enrollment to switch.  I thought if I signed up in open enrollment, then my plan would start January 1st, and I could do IVF that cycle.

I spoke with my HR dept. on the phone a month ago to check if this was the case. They assured me it was.
It’s almost December and I’ve been waiting for open enrollment, but haven’t heard anything about it. So I emailed HR this morning and they told me that even with open enrollment, I need to wait 5 payperiods + 1 day to be eligible for coverage. Open enrollment is if you already have coverage but want to switch plans. Since I’m not on any state plan currently, I have to join and wait the “penalty time.”

But the thing is, I could have done that at any point this year. February, June, whenever. I could have been doing IVF THIS MONTH if I had done it earlier.

I could have signed up for coverage when I asked them, but they gave me wrong info which kept me waiting for open enrollment. So I just signed up today, but having to wait the penalty period means I can’t do IVF before 1/20/2011.

Why the fuck can nothing go right for me?????

I swear to God I can’t take much more of this.

Sob

My surgery is Weds. I don’t want it at all. I know it’s nothing compared to OHS, but I just don’t want anymore pain.

 I want to try this month.  I wish i could do IVF. I wish I didn’t have to wait until January for it.

My coworker – who is honestly one of my closest friends, is pregnant. She hasn’t POAS yet, but she’s late and she has all the signs. I just want to curl up in a little ball and die.

She made the mistake of saying out loud that she wishes she wasn’t. That it happened next month instead.  I love her, but want to strangle her.

She doesn’t even care this month if she’s pregnant and she has everything I wanted.  For two years now I’ve wanted to be able to tell everyone at Christmas that I’m pregnant.

I hate my life.

Look At That

What did I tell you? Not 1/2 an hour later, and I have my results.  Cayce apologized for the delay saying the hospital didn’t have enough blood (for my pre-op testing) and that’s why it took so long.  Great.

BFN.

Sometimes love just ain’t enough.

Waiting for the Call

I had my beta done at 8:30am.  It’s now 3:15pm and no one has bothered to call me with the results. At 2pm I called and left a message for Cayce, asking her to please call me sooner rather than later because I’m having a tough time.  Alas, no call.

I’m hoping by posting this, they’ll call.  Life seems to work that way for me.

I know I’m not PG. Temps went down today and while AF hasn’t started yet, I know it’s coming. And yet, not having AF yet stupid me keeps holding out the tiniest bit of hope, all the while knowing I’m just setting myself up for even more tears.

Why do I do this to myself?

But then again, I think, why can’t my temp have totally plummeted below the coverline? Why can’t AF already have started? Why couldn’t the RE have called me earlier?

Why do things need to be so GD difficult?!?!?!

Ok, just venting.

15dpo

B/W tomorrow. Thank God. A 4th day of the same temps. I didn’t test, but the temp. not going down is just making me hold out hope for something that most likely will not come.  I’d almost rather it have plummeted today instead.

Crushed

I am crushed again.  BFN on 14dpo.  I even managed to not POAS until today.  I didn’t even want to because I was dreading a white stick, but I knew I needed to so I wouldn’t be completely caught off guard when I get the b/w done on Weds.

I wish I didn’t have to work. I have off for Veteran’s Day and I already took off Friday, which is good, but I wish I could just go home.  My coworker who I share an office with (and is also one of my best friends) is on vacation, but I FB’d her this morning since she wanted to know. It’s good, because I don’t have to talk a lot or anything, but work is kind of slow and all it does is give me more time to think.

My temps have been the same for the last 3 days straight. I thought for sure that was a good sign, but I was obviously wrong.  Every month I’m “so sure” and am always wrong.

Well, that’s it for the year.  No more trying.  Surgery is scheduled and that’ll take me out through the end of December.

I just don’t think this is fair.  Haven’t I had enough surgery in my life? Haven’t things been difficult enough for me? Why can’t I just catch a break?

Sometimes I just think God really hates me.