Coming Back from the Dead

A friend of mine asked me if I was going to start writing my infertility blog again. It's been about 6 weeks since my last post, and honestly, I was doing ok without it. I think thinking about things makes me more upset and depressed than if I went through the day not fixating on it.

So, it's been about 6 weeks since I lost my second twin. We have since found out he was a chromosomally normal baby boy. When I told L, he said (to no one in particular), "My boy..." and it broke my heart.

See there I go crying again, because I'm thinking about it. I honestly wish he hadn't been chromosomally normal, because then I could feel like it wasn't my fault. As of now, I have no idea what happened. And after 5 losses, I feel I should know. The local MFM tell us it could have been just bad luck, but after so many, I doubt it. But I can't fix anything if I don't know what the issue is.

I miss my babies so much. My BFF is now 24 weeks pregnant, and my coworker friend who was 3-4 weeks behind me is now 14. Tomorrow was supposed to be my fetal echo. I know this because I got a stupid automatic call reminding me of my appointment a few days ago. I had told them to cancel it 6 weeks ago but apparently they didn't do their job so I got that lovely reminder. Thanks.

I'm doing so much better than I was. Honestly, for the first 3 weeks, I was a total mess. Crying every day, every night. L took over all chores for a week so that I could do nothing but go to work. It was really nice.

We got a dog the last day of June. She has made all the difference. She is filling a need I have for that unconditional affection right now. Not that I can really compare a baby and a dog, but when she wants me pet her and love her, and she's giving me doggy kisses, it definitely fills a need.

This is Pippa.

4 weeks after my D&C, I finally got a positive OPK. It's the first cycle afterwards, so I really don't expect any miracles. We are scheduled to start our FET cycle as soon as AF comes. However, my RE's office is CLOSED the month of August, so we can't do transfer until September.

I didn't expect my period to take so long (ok, really? I have long cycles to begin with, so why not?) but I don't expect AF until the end of july, so it really mostly works out anyway. But I am really annoyed by the fact that they're closed. They also close the month of December, and what the hell is that, right?

I still have 4 frozen embies, so I wanted to give them a shot before doing another fresh cycle. But if the frozen cycle doesn't work (and I'm not holding my breath) then I'm switching to the other RE in my area for a fresh cycle.

At this point, I don't really feel like I have a problem "getting" pregnant. i.e. - I can implant. I just can't seem to hold onto a baby. 5 losses in the first trimester are so confusing to me. I've had the recurrent loss panel done and started doing the lovenox last time, and that didn't stop my losses either.

I just want my babies to stay. It really sucks feeling responsible for their deaths.

Nothingness

Numbness.

There are no words to describe how I feel. There really is no point to it all. I've cried a little, but not even that much, and I am usually very much a crier. I think I realize, what is there to cry about? It's not going to change anything, no one (i.e. God) is listening anyway. He doesn't care. He hasn't cared this whole time. So what does it all matter?

The D&C is tomorrow. I'm asking for one more U/S because Friday was such a blur it doesn't even register right now. I don't think they made a mistake but I need to really look this time because last time it was all so fast. Or so it seemed. I need to see for myself so there is no doubt.

I've asked L to call the RE's office since Friday to find out how long to wait before a FET. It's Tuesday and we cannot get ahold of someone. They probably don't want me back. I'm a very proactive patient and they were probably so happy to be rid of me the first time...sigh...

Nothing else has changed. Still no bleeding...still very wet CM. My body hasn't figured it out yet. If I hadn't had that U/S I would never know otherwise.

I'm forcing myself to wear non-maternity clothes, which is difficult because I really don't fit into them. My baby may have stopped growing but the uterus has not. I'm going shopping on Thursday to get something to wear for the summer.

All my summer plans are ruined. I was in the running for happiest pregnant lady ever. I was thrilled to be out and about while PG, so proud of it. So proud. 6/18 family outing to the racetrack? Oh yeah! Dinner cruise around NYC in August for inlaw's birthdays/anniversary celebration? Yes please! I just wanted to be that pregnant lady. Now the whole summer stretches before me, no longer pregnant, just fat.

As a planner, I had put Plan Bs, Cs and Ds into motion, but I got thwarted. I didn't think that this last IVF would work, so we booked tickets to Turkey in late May, thinking, if we were still PG by then, things would be good. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I was taking off at least the next three months, possibly 6, to seriously lose some weight. So that at least by the summer I would be feeling better about my body. But I was pregnant and we canceled our trip and I obviously didn't lose weight, just gained, and now here I am, nearly the middle of June, no trip to Turkey, no lost weight and no baby.

You would think if I couldn't have my baby, God could have at least given me that. But no, I'm apparently not even good enough for my consolation plans to go right.

What am I good enough for? I don't know anymore. I feel like Job. But unlike him, I'm not going to so easily come back to God. You wanted to push me away? You got it.

My husband is the only thing on this earth worth living for. He is truly truly awesome. I suppose if I could have only one good thing in life, I hit the jackpot with him. That's why I feel like a brat in complaining about the baby thing, but I still do. I need a purpose other than my baby in life, but the last few years it has become all consuming I don't see any other purpose than that.

Some people would therefore put TTC aside for awhile but I can do no such thing. It's such a singular focus that without it, I don't know what else I'd do. I don't know what else to do. Time keeps ticking. 32 now, 33 in a few months. Getting close to advanced maternal age soon.

It's all a blur. What to do now? What to do next? I just don't care about anything. I deactivated my FB account, just for now. Constantly seeing baby pictures and PG updates was something I couldn't deal with. Can't talk on the phone. Only accepting texts and emails right now. My dad came up on Saturday, which was so needed. I bleached the deck walls which was the best thing ever, in terms of keeping my mind of things. I'm actually getting stuff done around my house. Staying busy helps so much. My mom and dad came up again on Sunday. Yes, dad drove 4 hours both days to see me. They were so great.

My sister texted me with the perfect words. I was so appreciative. My brother and SIL emailed me (separately). My brother clearly has not dealt with much adversity in his life as he actually wrote, "If life were easy we wouldn't appreciate it as much." Are you kidding me? When I'm the one in the family (and only one) who has the heart condition, the multiple open heart surgeries, the infertility issues, the FIVE miscarriages - you are seriously saying that? It's what clueless people say. So he's clueless. But I just wrote him back saying thank you, because I appreciated him reaching out and listening when my parents said I was not talking to anyone on the phone. My SIL too (she did not make any such clueless remarks, thank goodness).

My inlaws, I don't know what the hell is up with them. L and I are both very disappointed. If anything, before this I would have said they were the ones I would have expected to drop everything and see us, but apparently not. Didn't hear from either of my BILs either this weekend. one of them we found out last night was in Atlantic City all weekend so I understand, but the other one has no such excuse, he lives at home with the ILs. My ILs live just as far as my parents (same town, exactly) but have not asked to come visit us. No other calls, nothing. L called his mom out on it yesterday and was pretty upset (he's not the type to do that normally). I admit, I'm really disappointed.

My BFF, who's now close to 20 weeks pregnant, cried when I called her. She's texted me and called DH wanting to let us know she's there when we need her. Another friend texted me as well. My close coworker friend- now 9 weeks pregnant has been good at work the last few days. It's amazing, all we've done is talk about MMC and yet it's been good. Weird. But I get upset that none of them will have issues (because I *know* they won't) and I'm always the one that does. Close coworker will "pass" me in 2 weeks and then go far beyond and I will be left behind once again, not pregnant.

So I have all these people technically, and yet I feel so alone. 90% of them have done all the right things, and yet I'm upset about the ILs.

I know time will help. But right now...I just sit here. Numb. Thinking about how I will never have my happy ending. I don't want much. Just one child. Just one.

How did I know?

On Friday I had my NT scan.

Unfortunately I was right. How am I always right about these things? There was no heartbeat. I saw the heart on the screen, that bright white dot, which just a couple of weeks ago was beating a wonderful 164 bpm, now still and silent on the U/S screen.

The baby was actually measuring smaller than it was a few weeks ago, by a couple of millimeters. How is that possible? So I don't even know when my baby died. Was it right after the last scan? In the last week? I will never know.

I am scheduled for a D&C on Wednesday. When all of this was happening on Friday, it was all a blur, I was almost numb, though of course I was crying. How the hell did I say Weds. was ok? Why didn't I insist on Monday? What is wrong with me? I will walking around as if I'm pregnant (because I don't really fit in regular clothes anymore but my body hasn't gotten the hint I am no longer pregnant) for almost another week by then. That is how you spell torture.

The D&C is schedule on what would have been 12 weeks exactly for me. So close to the end of the first trimester, but no cigar.

All I can think is that it must have been my body in some way that did this. We went to Maine last weeken for the Memorial Day holiday and I walked 4 miles that first day there. It was hot and it was hard for me. Did I overdo it and therefore somehow kill my baby? Or do something inadvertently before or after?

I don't know. and I will never know. All I know is that at some point I had two babies in this pregnancy, and now I have none. And I loved them so very much.

Did I get too cocky towards the end? I started to think that maybe it might work. I was saying to DH, I am worried about this, but it was more in order to fend it off. If I thought about the possibility, then that possibility wouldn't happen. But inside I was thinking - 11w2d, I'm practically out of the first trimester - it's going to be ok! On my way out of work to the appointment I rubbed my belly and smiled and said, "Let's do this baby! I'm so excited to see you!"

So cocky. I ought to have known better. I do know better. Didn't I write here that I don't get happy endings?

One of the hardest things about this is that I know i will have to wait I don't know how long after the D&C to do a FET. I'm sure I'm looking at the fall at the minimum. The fall when I will turn 33. When I would have been in my third trimester.

I was due December 14, 2011. I will not have my Christmas baby anymore. We were calling it our little snowbaby because it was due in the winter.

I will not have a baby in 2011 anymore. I started trying in 2008.

I'm never going to have my happy ending.

10w6d

My NT scan is on Friday. I'm almost as scared for it as I was for my first OB appointment. I don't know why. I saw the HB for 3 weeks straight and it will only be two weeks and 1 day from the previous time but I'm still so worried that there won't be a heartbeat on Friday.

I should be worried about other things. Like, what if there's a HB but the NT scan shows us something disastrous? I'm not so concerned about Down's. No one in my family has ever had it. I am more concerned about some big congenital heart defect, since I have one myself.

And then, today is the first day I've felt *significantly* better since about 8 weeks. And I don't like it one bit. I've asked around and people said that towards the end of the first trimester you can start feeling better, but to me, that's also an indication of a missed M/C. So, I don't know what to think. I still feel some symptoms, but so much lighter that I almost felt like a new person today. Me no likey.

I'm thinking once the NT scan passes on Friday I will feel better about this pregnancy. Hmm, that's what I said about my first scan and my second scan and look at me right now. No, but I think I will. I know there's always the chance something could happen, but I think I'll feel out of the worst of it.

But I also feel like I have the worst luck. 10% chance or 5% of miscarriage now? Leave it to me, I'll be in that tiny percentage.

In some screwed up way, I don't see me ever having a happy ending. I know it's sad and pathetic, but I just can't see it.

I want to be proven wrong so badly. I want people to laugh in my face at the end of all of this, going "I TOLD YOU SO!!"

How can I still be so bitter?

On FB tonight, a friend of mine just posted that her daughter was born. 12 1/2 weeks early. A friend that posted no updates on FB ever (something that I appreciate so much because there's nothing I hate more than hearing about babies on FB), I didn't even know she was pregnant (lol, obviously, not that close friends). And still, I am so insanely jealous right now it's ridiculous. The poor things, both mom and baby. At 12.5 weeks, that must be not even 28 weeks along.

My baby, should I ever have him/her feels so far away right now. And I'm pregnant. I am still so painfully aware and afraid that I will lose this baby too and have nothing - again.

It's not even like my friend went through a wonderful pregnancy that was perfect. The baby is doing fine right now, but even so...why am I so jealous? Will that ever go away?

Nights like these I hate myself. And yet I'm still so jealous.

9w2d

I had a bunch of appointments this week and I think it's going to kill me to wait for the next one which is exactly 2 weeks from today.

On Weds. I met with the local MFM. Well, first I had an OB appt. with a resident (and no senior doctor, weird) that looked like she was 12 and had the bedside manner of a gnat. Seriously, she was terrible - and if she's starting out that way, I can't imagine how she'll be in 10 years. She insisted on doing a pap smear even though I told her I'd had one done in January, and then proceeded to be so rough I was bleeding bright red the rest of the day. Which I know can be expected, but is NOT appreciated during this time of my life. Then she proceeded to attempt to find the baby's HB via doppler which I thought was the dumbest thing ever as A) kinda early to find on a doppler vs. an ultrasound and B) way to freak out a woman who's had 4 miscarriages when you are not skilled enough to find the HB.

I told her I was looking to have someone locally follow me but I was planning to give birth in Boston. I don't trust anyone locally here to know what to do with me. (Obviously, I didn't tell her that). But that GIRL actually said to me, "I don't think we can do that. Nope."

I almost told her, "Ok then, I guess we're done here," because I WILL DRIVE TO BOSTON EVERY WEEK IF I HAVE TO. But I just asked her why on earth not and she told me because of the way they bill things, that it's just one bill at the end when you give birth.

WTF are you talking about? Maybe you need to live in the real world a little (or be older than 12) so you understand how medical billing works. You don't get ONE bill, you nitwit, you get billed for each and every "service" that is done. I nearly asked her how they were planning to bill me if I had a miscarriage, as then I wouldn't be giving birth with them, but I managed to hold it in. What an idiot!

Luckily, then we went in for the U/S which I should not have been nervous for as the previous one was 6 days before but of course I was because it's a WHOLE 6 days! The technician was fantastic though and found the HB right away. It was flickering so fast which made me relax and was 161bpm. Then she turned on the sound and we heard it and I just lost it. Started crying which in turn made the technician cry and the whole thing was just wonderful. Then met with the MFM and didn't do that much more. My NT scan is the next appointment.

That night we drove to Boston because we had an early and full next day of testing with the Boston MFM and cardiology. I met with cardiology first. Dr. Mike was in an important conference all day long so I met with his colleague instead, who is very capable and very nice. God, there is something about my doctors in Boston that put every other doctor I've ever had to shame. They are so competent and so easy to work with and try to work with you! They COMMUNICATE with each other so you don't have to repeat yourself 14 billion times. I love them. They did an echo which they said showed a little more leaking in my valves than at my previous appt. last September but said it was fine and to be expected, and they would keep an eye on it. Then they made me take a few laps around the floor with a pulse oximeter to check my O2. It dropped to 91% :( but they didn't say anything. I have the feeling I will end up on 02 before the end of pregnancy though. Hopefully it'll only be at the end.

Then we met with Dr. E and she was excited for us because it's taken so long to get to this part. It was so nice. Dr. Mike ended up calling my cell to find out where we were and coming to see us (during his lunch I think). I was so touched. He gave me hug and just stood there while we talked with the MFM. He's so funny.

Dr. E (to me): You look like a million bucks!
Dr. Mike: Why don't you tell me I look like a million bucks?
Dr. E: I saw you yesterday, Mike, and I told you then that you look like a million bucks!

LMAO.

I told them I am planning to give birth there and Dr. Mike and Dr. E discussed about me finding some long term housing the last few weeks if I need to be local (again, I will do whatever it takes). And I know they will help me figure it out if needed. When I had my second OHS, Dr. Mike's office found week-long housing for my parents to stay in the area. And I am an adult so I technically don't need my parents, but my husband was driving the 3 hours back and forth from work and really wanted someone nearby. Boston Children's/Brigham and Women's are truly fantastic hospitals.

Dr. E told me she won't let me go to my due date, which is 12/21. That 12/14 is the latest. Since I am at an increased risk of premature labor - I am just praying I get past 12/1.

I got another U/S out of it (yes, only 1 day after the previous) and the HB was up to 164. I know it doesn't mean anything but I love it. LOVE IT.

And now nothing for a few weeks. I don't know how I'm going to stay sane.

8w3d

Boy, I've really slacked on the writing. Part of it is because I don't have much to write day to day, except continuously talking about fears and such. Part is because L has built himself a new computer, but hasn't installed the scanner yet. And I don't have the drivers on my Mac. So I finally took pictures of the U/S pics I've gotten rather than wait any longer.

The 7w1d U/S of the twins:

So Baby B was on the left and Baby A on the right.

Baby A at 7w1d:

I'm still here, at over 8 weeks now. My next appt. is Weds., when I'll be 9 weeks. It's with the local MFM, and I'm scheduled for another U/S and an NV. What the heck NV means, I have no idea. I know it's not an NT, which is something around 12 weeks I think.

Around 8 weeks, I started to get excited. And then I started to get mad at myself. 8 weeks is still so incredibly early, what are you getting so excited about? Ugh...so now I feel I'm in no-man's land a little bit. I'm scared, but not crying anymore. Just worried. My family knows, and I really don't want to have to tell them bad news again. My husband is getting excited.

I told our counselor that I was only a little over 50% sure I'd come home with a baby. Really, I feel it's closer to 25%, but when I started to say 20% she was like, "really?" (I know, counselors aren't supposed to do that, right?) I guess I'm such an eeyore, I feel like I can't really have that happy ending, right?

But thus far, I'm still here, we're still here. I had some spotting on Thursday and pretty much ran to the RE, even though I've technically graduated. I think part of me was thinking how it was so hard to wait another week to make sure my babies were still alive, and part of me freaked out over the spotting. They got me in right away, and there was no more bleeding, so I felt a little silly. I now think it was left over from DTD with L 2 days previously. It was only the one time, and nothing since. (L and I DTD again this morning, so I'm trying to remind myself if I spot in 2 days to RELAX).

Anyway, the U/S on Thursday was both sad and helpful. It confirmed that Baby B was gone :( He/she was still at 7 weeks. But Baby A was right on target, measuring 1.7 cm - 8w1d perfectly. The HB was 148.4bpm, which the PA said was fine, but I've been looking it up, and it seems slightly slow to me (the minimum I found for 8 weeks was 149). Now I'm a little worried about that.

But the picture was beautiful.

I don't know why, but that head is just the cutest thing to me. Whoa, I'm a crazy pregnant lady.

The last week my symptoms had lightened a little, and I assume it was because of Baby B, but the last two days, M/S has struck with a vengeance. Where the F did that come from? Don't get me wrong, I've had some all along, even vomiting a few times (not that much) but yesterday at 4pm it struck hard, and I crawled into my car at quitting time, drove home, and went to bed. Ugh. But awesome. Strong today too. I'm so ok with it.