Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Today is a difficult day.

A difficult day right after yesterday, which was for the most part, an easy day.

It amazes me how quickly it can change.

Today I’m in mourning.

Not for anything or person in particular, just a general sense of grief for what is not happening with my body.
I swear I can feel my ovaries shutting down.  Silly? I don’t know.  Probably. But during my IUI cycles I could always feel them growing, so I don’t think it’s a reach to think I can feel the opposite.

I suppose when stims start and I feel them growing then I might feel better about it, but today I’m in mourning for my body that has been through so much, yet still isn’t good enough for me.

If I look at it objectively, anthromorphizing a body as separate from a person, I truly feel sorry for all that it’s been through.

It’s probably wondering, “Are you ever going to stop abusing me? You stopped my heart, multiple times, you changed my anatomy, you stuck foreign pieces of other animals in me to force me to work more correctly, you’ve pumped me full of numerous hormones and chemicals and such, and now this? How much more do you think I can take?”

When I think of my body separate from who I am, I feel really badly for it.

Which in turn makes me think, why doesn’t God feel badly for me?

I was thinking about this already when I read today’s blog post by Single Infertile Female, which is the only ongoing infertility blog I can find by someone who doesn’t already have a kid or hasn’t been successful yet.

And it’s safe to say, I’m having a crisis of faith.

I’ve been having one for awhile.  It crystallizes every so often, and I feel so very alone. Despite my wonderful husband, I can still feel so very alone.

And I wonder when will it be my turn? With every pregnancy announcement, with every post on FB, or God forbid U/S posted (and SERIOUSLY, I don’t understand why anyone thinks anyone else wants to see their U/S picture) …I just feel more and more alone.

And what did I ever do to deserve it?  Sometimes I think I must have been a very bad person in a previous life, because why else would I have been born with such a serious heart defect?

Believe it or not though, I never actually was self-pitying about my body at all until this infertility journey of mine started.  When I was younger, I was actually PROUD of my body, of my heart, for dealing with so much and still beating away.  But now, years later, I really don’t feel that way anymore.

I’m angry and I’m sad.  I used to feel like God was that Father that would hold me in His arms and tell me everything would be ok and now I just feel hated.  I’m not good enough for him to care about.

It’s so hard for me to stay positive, especially after so long at this.  I’m definitely a glass is half-empty kind of girl, someone who doesn’t want to be TOO positive in case things don’t turn out well. I want to be prepared for the bad news.

But after all this time, I really ought to know, whether I prepare myself or not, I am always DEVASTATED when I get the bad news.  I don’t think it matters whether I’m 100% gung ho or skeptic – it  hurts all the same. Yet I’m afraid to let myself be 100% gung-ho – like that will jinx it or something.

So silly when NOT being 100% gung-ho doesn’t do anything for me either.

Today someone suggested I make a list of all the positive things I’ve learned from undergoing what I have.  It’s so hard, but I think it would be a good exercise. I don’t know if I could come up with much, if anything…but here goes, in no particular order:
  1. I have learned how persistent I am – I DO NOT GIVE UP.
  2. I have learned that I would not be able to do this without the husband I have.
  3. I have learned that I cry an awful lot, but crying actually makes me feel physically better.
  4. I have learned how appreciative I will be when I finally hold my child in my arms, and not everyone is.
  5. I have learned that it is far better to be allowed to try and get pregnant and be unable to, then not be allowed to try and get pregnant at all.
  6. I have learned that there are certain people, not many, but definitely some, who will let me take take take right now, not give as much back, and still love me anyway because they understand that one day, I will be able to give give give to them and WANT to so much.
So, 6, not bad.  More than I would have thought.

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