Friday, March 2, 2012

Where is AF?

This figures that I would be having *these* types of problems the month before we start a surrogacy/IVF cycle.

I am on day 42 of my current cycle. I have no idea when I ovulated, although I usually do ovulate every month. I tested on Day 39, it was negative. Have not done so since. Have felt PMSy for a week, but not much else. No overt pregnancy symptoms although I keep feeling like I'm really going to get my period at any moment.

I guess I will POAS again tomorrow? Part of me feels silly, but part of me is like, "WTF?" I've had no medical procedures done since my last IVF cycle in November, and that is usually the only thing that makes me run REALLY late (over 35 days). Yet last month was a 41 day cycle and tomorrow will be day 43.

I've had rather wet CM down there the last week, maybe week and a half. I keep thinking maybe I'm ovulating now? But I also had fertile CM around Valentine's Day then it disappeared. Usually when I ovulate I also break out something fierce, and I did back around then as well (this month was particularly bad). I am not having any acne issues right now. But I've had a ton of EWCM fluid today, wtf?

So I'm guessing I'm either pregnant or ovulating. For the first time ever, if I'm pregnant I'm going to be like, "Not this month!" We barely had sex this month because I've been so sick. Of course on Valentine's Day, we did! And that was the last time it could have "counted" if you know what I mean.

Being pregnant would screw everything up. (DID I JUST SAY THOSE WORDS??) I've got my BCP prescription ready to go when AF comes. Gabby's records are being screened at the Boston hospital. We have our PGS meeting next week. This is happening.

Now if I were a normal person and I was pregnant I wouldn't care about any of this stuff. Sorry, Gabby, the one thing I want most in this world happened and we're not going to need your services. Ok, so we'll have to pay OOP for the screening and such but we'll save money on everything else!

But nope, all I can think of is that I could be pregnant, and we don't need Gabby right now so she goes to someone else and then I miscarry. Because of course it will happen. And then I will again have no baby and no surrogate and no hopes for a baby. It'll be 2011 all over again.

Why didn't this occur to me on Valentine's Day?

Likely because after all we've been through and how I haven't gotten pregnant on my own since December 2008 (the other times were Clomid cycle, and 2 IVF cycles) I didn't think the likelihood was very high.

And I've done EVERYTHING wrong this month: exercise, alcohol, herbal remedies, hot baths, NO blood thinner injections, antibiotics. ANTIBIOTICS! I haven't been on those in years! Actually I don't think antibiotics really affect anything anyway but still...

And sex very few times.

But I'm being ridiculous. Tomorrow when I take the test and it is a BFN then I will be on day 43 with no idea of what's going on and no idea when AF will come. And I will be just as clueless then as I am right now.

But in case I'm ovulating L really really wants to have sex tonight.

But I can't. Even if the odds are super low that we get pregnant, how could I take the chance I could find out I'm pregnant literally days before we're supposed to start cycling?

It's the first time ever I think I'm going to turn L down for baby-making sex. I feel awful about it.

This is not a conversation I thought I would ever be having with myself.

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