I've come full circle. Me, the girl who swore up and down she would never ever post anything on FB about this pregnancy or gestational surrogacy, basically came out on Monday. It was my birthday and it felt great.
I honestly don't know how it happened. I think it was after reading the umpteenth pregnancy announcement in a week, those posts that always result in a flurry of comments of Congrats, and well wishes, and I just got jealous. *I* wanted what they had. And those people announcing were several weeks behind me, and I just became an attention whore myself :) Before I knew it, I had posted a thank you to the people who'd already wished me a Happy Birthday on my wall, and said I was looking forward to a day off work thanks to Mr. Columbus, my last year in the "young" demographic (18-34, ugh) and our twins on the way!
And then I cowered behind my computer like a wimpy girl, afraid of what would happen. Seriously, I'm a baby.
And then well-wishes started to trickle in, first there were some, "Wait...what?" then "Does that mean what I think it means?" then outright, "OMG, congrats!!"
I did not mention gestational surrogacy on my wall at all. Where questions were asked, "When are they due?" I answered truthfully. But when I started to get private messages asking more direct questions that would require lying, I mentioned it - even to people who I'm not THAT close to.
And you know what, it wasn't such a big deal! I don't know what my problem is (I think it's a little bit of my dad in me, unfortunately [and I love my dad]), but I really thought people would look down upon me. And at least to my "face" they were overjoyed.
I remember once a few years ago, a woman I was talking too about infertility attempted to commiserate with me. I was telling her how it makes me feel like less of a woman, and she went on to compare having a c-section with infertility, how she felt like less of a woman as well.
At the time, I thought, "Hell no. If I could have kids I could care less if I gave birth vaginally or with a c-section, as long as they were my kids!" But it made me feel judged - if having a c-section wasn't womanly enough, how could gestational surrogacy possibly be?
I think that has stuck with me since then, that all the mothers out there (which is really who I'm "afraid" of) would look down on me and go, "Ugh, she took the EASY way out." And I know it's not the easy way out at all, so why do I care? But I have cared.
But so far, it doesn't seem like anyone else has cared. All this insecurity I've had, for nothing? Part of it has been protection, to protect myself from people who can say mean things, but part of it is that "second-class citizenship I have taken upon myself. *I* don't feel worthy, so how could anyone else think I'm worthy?
It's a slow go. But maybe eventually, I will start to believe it.