Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Better Today

Email from Gabby last night - no bleeding all day, no cramping. Email from Gabby this morning, still no bleeding, and found a heartbeat in the 160s this morning. Can only find one but thinks the other one has moved behind since they're bigger.

And she's in maternity clothes for the first time today!

ETA: L tells me he thinks I misinterpreted the "days" comment she made yesterday (about bleeding for more than 1 day). He thinks he was referring to those other times she's told us she's had bleeding (what prompted the emergency u/s LAST Monday and the other day of bleeding she had last Wednesday before the u/s. Not that she was bleeding all weekend and didn't tell us. When I asked her yesterday morning how long she'd been bleeding she did say only the night before, so I should probably calm down about her not telling me stuff.

If I sound bipolar, it's because I am. One day I think the world is crashing down on me and we're never gonna make it (i.e. yesterday) and the next everything is right with this world and I think we will. (i.e. today). I'll probably be right back down in the dumps tomorrow. Sorry for my roller coaster life right now, it's definitely a bumpy ride :(

I'm fine with only finding one. At least there's one.

Saw this article on fertility treatments and PTSD. Yes, yes, yes. I would definitely say I have those symptoms. After multiple miscarriages and the letting go and trusting of gestational surrogacy, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, I have terrible dreams, it is horrible.

Fertility treatments may put women at risk for PTSD symptoms, study suggests

What do you think? Do you think you're at risk for PTSD symptoms?

17 comments:

  1. I already have anxiety so I'm afraid of how I'll end up after all of this to tell you the truth.

    On a different note and I'm sure you know this but just in case: there's a big warning on the doppler web sites saying that it's hard to differentiate twin heartbeats with a doppler and even doctors have a hard time with it. Hang in there.

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    1. I understand completely. I admit, I've always been a tightly wound sort of gal. The last 4 years have definitely put me over the edge. I miss my whimsy.

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  2. So glad you are feeling better today. Sorry you are on such a rough roller coaster ride. I'd have to guess I am at risk for the PTSD symptoms as well. It amazes me how my anxiety level has changed (risen) in the last year.

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    1. It's too bad infertility treatment isn't "treated" better by insurance companies. I think it would all help us a lot, not only financially but mentally/emotionally as well.

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  3. You are totally normal Ducky! You've been through so much...more than most people have to deal with. I'm currently going through a very high risk pregnancy after a 26 weeker and infertility and many people tell me just "Don't worry" or "its in Gods hands, have some faith" but there are more complex feelings involved and you should not have to feel like you need to justify that.

    You not only have had to go through the heartache of many losses but you also have to deal with financially and emotionally backing someone else to carry YOUR babies. That isn't something you can just let roll of your back and not worry about. You have a lot more invested than most people have to even think to deal with! Those are your babies of COURSE you will worry some days. Just write your feelings out how they come and dont feel the need to justify them to anyone because you don't. :)

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  4. I'm glad things are looking brighter today! And you are not crazy for worrying. It's natural, and bleeding at any point in a pregnancy of course freaks us out. But it can also be totally normal, and it sounds like those little babies are hanging in there for the long haul.

    As for the PTSD, I have thought this to be true for quite a while. I know at least for me, the experiences of the miscarriages did leave me with far worse anxiety and depression than ever before. And there are certain triggers that can send me right back to the darkest moments, such as ultrasounds. In the early parts of this pregnancy, every ultrasound would send me into a panic beforehand, b/c I just kept picturing my sweet little babes without heartbeats that I had seen with the first 2 pregnancies, and I was sure that's what we'd see again. My blood pressure was usually through the roof before ultrasounds! So yes, I think that theory makes a lot of sense.

    Again, glad today is a good day for you friend!! We just have to appreciate the good days when we get them, right? :)

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  5. I understand the roller coaster of emotions. During my pregnancy with V, I had bleeding until like 14-16wks (bed rest until 18wks, pelvic rest until 21wks) and I would go from being okay, to total despair, on any given day. Especially after having gone through recurrent miscarriages. I was so sure I'd lost him, then hopeful, then despairing again... it is HARD. I think you are doing a great job handling it all, really. It's going to be rough, and it's scary, but you're doing great. Hang in there. Still hoping for wonderful news and sending positive thoughts!

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  6. I'm glad you are feeling better today! I honestly think a roller coaster of emotions is the only *normal* way to handle all of this. If anyone is calm, cool and collected after struggling, I have not met them yet!

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  7. Unfortunately, I think I'm at risk for a lot of things after my miscarriages and infertility. I have had PTSD before, so at least I'm familiar with an anxiety disorder. Otherwise I'm a really laid back person. However, I can't even imagine the train wreck that would be me three months pregnant. I fully believe I will pass out at the OB's if I manage to make it to another 12 week appointment. And I mean pass out on the way back to the exam room, so everyone else can see me hyperventilate, possibly cry, then hit the floor. Not much I can do about it though, except know that it would be really, really likely to happen. I think you're doing a spectacular job, by the way. I know it must be up and down every day for you, but that's so normal for something like this.

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  8. Through my pregnancy with my daughter I was pretty sure I was bipolar as well as I too would one day believe that I might actually bring my baby home and the next right back to it'll never happen. Pretty sure after losing her I got some serious PTSD as well. I think it is normal though. It sucks, but how can you not feel that way when you have been through hell and back trying to bring home a living baby. I have terrible dreams as well:(

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  9. I don't think I have PTSD symptoms, but this process has really offered an intense shock to my psyche, leaving wounds that will take years to heal. I fully expect it to scar me for life.

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  10. My doctor just compared infertility to PTSD. I couldnt have agreed more. Even when you get good news, you're just waiting for the next bomb to drop. Im so happy things are going well with the babies. -From ICLW

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  11. Hi from ICLW and yes yes yes to your question. I was just talking to Hubs about that today. We both have our own symptoms of PTSD. He still wakes up in the middle of the night worried something happened to me and I have awful dreams and have zero trust in anything good. PTSD from fertility treatments is so real and so painful. I wish for you to have your miracle(s) in your arms very soon. I'm sure that will be so healing. Much love and strength to you.

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  12. Interesting article, and I think this could certainly help people for doctors to look at fertility treatments' effects this way.

    Hoping all is well with the babies. Hang in there.

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  13. IF certainly can lead to PTSD. The anxiety, fear, loss, and pain of all we go through leaves long lasting scars. And they don't fade overnight after the baby is born. But knowing that you aren't alone in this is a huge help... at least for me it has been.

    Hoping that things calm down and you are able to breathe easier soon!

    ICLW #7

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  14. Thanks so much for visiting my blog. I can only imagine how much more stressful it is to have to hear about scary things happening over the phone or through email. Another layer of stress! You are amazing to be able to handle it all. I give you so much credit. Your are really doing a fantastic job with everything.

    I have never really thought about my RPL related anxieties as PTSD, but after reading that article, it makes total sense. I think I just diagnosed myself with it.

    I am hoping for the best for your little ones! Praying that they make a safe entrance into the world in a few months! :)

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  15. Hooray! I'm so happy for you that Tuesday was a better day! (I'm still feverishly trying to catch up on my blog reading. Sorry for the delayed comment.)

    As far as PTSD, I have no doubt that I would be a candidate for it. Not only due to fertility treatments but because of several other traumatic experiences I've had in the last 7 years (starting with the death of my mother from breast cancer).

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