Onwards and Upwards

Wow, I've been a horrible ICLWer this round. The Fates conspired against me with two blows last week and I was just DONE with the internet for the most part. Friday night I indulged in excess alcohol in a way I haven't for years, and I paid the price on Saturday.

My dear, dear husband tried his best the entire weekend to keep my mind off things which resulted in a 5 hour car ride to nowhere, really, yesterday (but hey I admit I was entertained).

So I will try again next month, and hope that I can be a much better commenter.

I met with the RE today for my "what the f" meeting. It seems like this cycle wasn't all that great anyway. It is surprising to me because my FSH was pretty low - 2.6. But I just didn't respond the way they expected me to.

On day 3 of stims, my E2 was 260 - in the right range of 200-400 but on the lower side. They upped my Bravelle from 2 to 3 vials and 3 days later my E2 had gone to 801 - perfect. But after that, things started to fall off the track, and I'm not sure why. Neither is he (comforting, you know? Not).

On day 10 of stims, my E2 had only gone to 1364, and SOME (not all) of my follicles had actually gotten a little smaller (L pointed out to me they got smaller by 1mm, which he believes could just be human error as he thinks they're not all that precise about measuring follicles). According to my RE today, given my numbers, he would have expected to see an E2 of 2000 at this point.

Then, on the final day of stims (day 12), my E2 actually fell slightly, to 1308. I had 4 really good sized follicles, so they couldn't stim me any longer, but according to my RE, I had so many slightly smaller follicles he thinks my E2 should have been close to 4000 at that point.

So what the hell?

I asked if the BCP I was on for 5 weeks might have oversuppressed me but he said my E2 was 38 at baseline. If it were, say, 7, he might agree with me, but E2 is within the acceptable range of 20-50. He says it's possible the Lupron might have surpressed me a little too much, but he's not positive. However, I think he's keeping the same exact Lupron protocol the next time around, which confuses me.

He did say that for IVF #2, he will be upping my stim dosage. Instead of starting me on 3 and going down to 2, he will be starting me on 3.5 vials and going down to only 3 vials. I really hope that does the trick...

He said if possible, *I* should be more proactive about my cycle. I think this is slightly bullshit, because A) I'm no doctor, and B) This was my first IVF. But I also see his point as well, he knows I'm a control freak, and if I'm seeing that my estrogen isn't as high as would be expected, I might ask about additional estrogen to help things along in the middle of stims next cycle, or, if there needs to be a 3rd cycle (please God, no) to do away with Lupron altogether.

Even after the stims though, things still weren't entirely clear. They retrieved 12 eggs from me, which he said in terms of numbers were spot on average and what they like to see. But only 7 of them were mature, which he said was less than they expected. Out of those 7, 5 fertilized. Out of those 5, 1 arrested after only 2 days, the other four turned into 2 "ok" 8-cell embryos and 2 "good" 6-cell embryos. He didn't mention any fragmentation.

So they implanted the 2 good ones, which teaches me they prefer the quality of the embryos to the number of cells they have.

The 2 "ok" ones they left to see if they could make it to freeze, and only one made it to a day 5-blastocyst, but it was of such poor quality (3CC) they didn't freeze it.

So the overall notes I have from their summary is:

Oocyte quantity was good, maturational status was fair, and oocyte quality was poor....Overally this was a lesser quality cycle than expected for a young woman. However the embryo development was acceptable.

But the question is, does changing the stimulation protocol help with that?

Keeping in mind he was suggesting me to be more proactive where I felt necessary, it gave me the courage to ask about the things I wanted going forward. So I asked if they would please test my progesterone and E2 levels during my 2ww next time, because I am concerned with the fact that I started bleeding much earlier than I do in a non-IVF cycle. He agreed.

And finally I brought up my concern about my loss panel that I've had done. He does not think I need heparin, but said I could take lovenox starting right after ET if I wish. I do wish it, thanks.

So, on that note, I FINALLY got a hold of someone at Brigham and Women's and made an appointment with Dr. E, the MFM recommended to us by Dr. Mike 2 years ago now...sigh...

I could either meet with her this Thursday or on 3/31. And she wants to see my lab results from the loss panel, since I haven't seen her in over a year because, you know, we have yet to get to 8 weeks.

I was debating whether I could wait till 3/31 because Thurs. is really short notice to take off of work, and I have a deposition that day anyway. I waited till IVF Jen called me to let me know about my calendar for IVF#2, and then called Dr. E's office back to say I'd take 3/31.

This way I'll hopefully have a plan for post ET going forward.

So...onwards to IVF #2. I hope this works out better for me than IVF #1.

I Hate This

I feel like I'm dying slowly. Perhaps that sounds overdramatic to you, and it probably is. But I just want to curl up in a fetal position for awhile, take some mind-altering substances, and wake up in a few weeks when this all is over.

First Merlin, now this.

First of all, here's my beautiful Merlin.

I'm missing him a lot.

But in other news. I got three positive HPTs this week, starting at 8dp3dt on my internet cheapies. Yesterday at 11:30am (second pee of the day) I finally took a "real" test - a Clear Blue Easy.

In the afternoon, I started spotting. By evening I had full on AF.

My beta was today. Still waiting for results but this is one of the heavier AFs I've had and there's no doubt it will be negative. It was positive not 24 hours ago and now I have nothing.

No Merlin, no baby(ies).

I can get pregnant (occasionally) but I can't stay pregnant. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I've had the recurrent miscarriage panel done. I am compound heterozygous for MTHFR, PAI Polymorphism gene, and have Hashimoto's. My thyroid levels are fine, I've upped my folic acid intake, and I've been told I will start taking heparin at 6 weeks.

But I can't get to 6 weeks.

What do I do from here? I had asked my RE to put me on heparin earlier and he said no. Will he change his mind now? What other tests should I have done?

I want some answers. I've been doing this for so long and I hate all this no knowing. It's hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait, and now I have to do IVF #2.

I am crushed. No Merlin, no baby.

Merlin

Thank you all for your kind words on Merlin. It was difficult, but we took him to the vet last night at 9pm to be put to sleep. When I got home he was sitting on the electric blanket that we left on all day for him, and he really had barely moved. I offered him one last try at some tuna fish and wet food and he didn't want it at all. He wanted to lie down but couldn't (we later learned cats know instinctively if they have fluid in/on their lungs that they can't lie down because it collapses their lungs) so he was laying upright with his head against the wall. Poor guy must have been so tired. His sides were heaving out with the breathing and we just decided we didn't want him to suffer any longer.

He got a sedative first for a couple of minutes that basically put him to sleep, well before the "lethal" injection was given. Even with the sedative his sides were still heaving so we knew it wasn't adrenaline or anything making him breathe heavier. He was exhausted and done.

Merlin was 13 or 14 years old. We're not positive because we got him after he'd been a stray for 4 years. He was a "big boy" - 21lbs at one point! and 14lbs with fluid at the vet on Tuesday, so probably less once the fluid was gone. As you can tell, he loved to eat, so him not eating was a huge sign.

Obviously with his weight being so low (for him) he hadn't been eating or eating as much for awhile, but Merlin was nearly feral due to his time as a stray. He never let anyone near him. He didn't want to be pet or cuddled. He looked almost homeless because he was so big he couldn't groom in the back and he would get mats of hair, but he wouldn't let us near him enough to pet him, much less brush him. He would come out in the room when we were in it, but stay far enough way to keep an eye on us. If we started heading in his direction (whether it was for him or another reason) he'd high tail it out of there.

As you can imagine, it made it hard to feel the same connection for Merlin as our other kitties. He spent a lot of time hiding under beds, and not in our laps. It wasn't until these last few days that he lets us near him and we could pet him. We knew that had to mean something was wrong because he never let us do that before.

In the room where he went to sleep, L cradled his head, and I stood behind DH holding onto his (DH's) shoulder, so Merlin couldn't see me. Merlin probably wouldn't have wanted a lot of people with him when he went but DH would never let him go alone. I pet him and kissed him for the first time in the 10 years we had him. After he was gone I spent half an hour just petting him and kissing his head. I'd just never gotten the chance. He was so soft (they'd clipped his mats when he went to the vet on Tuesday) and so cute. It was like seeing him for the first time.

I know that was Merlin's choice, and not ours, because we would have loved to cuddle and pet him throughout his life if he would have let us. He was "independent" and that was fine.

But I didn't realize how much I'd miss him till he was gone. And this all happened so fast. Just last week he was greeting us at the top of the stairs when we would get home from work, and then as we started walking up them, would run away.

There will be no more greetings for us from Merlin, but I hope he's now free of pain and exhaustion and has shed his skittishness for all the pats and cuddles in heaven.

So Close Yet So Far

So I tested yesterday on my internet cheapies (the ones supposedly sensitive to 10mIU). I saw the faintest of positives if I looked the right way. L couldn't really see it (then again, he couldn't see an obviously positive FRER for my first pregnancy either, so I'm not really concerned about that).

I POAS again with the IC today. Line seems to me almost about exactly the same, that is VERY VERY VERY faint. But I could swear it's there, and has the faintest purplish color. It can't all be in my head?

But I'm concerned it's the same darkness as yesterday. Today is 9dp3dt, which is 12dpo, and while I've never gotten a positive before 14dpo, I would think it would look darker than yesterday.

I know a line is a line, but I wonder if these "lines" could be all in my head. They are THAT faint. But on 7dp3dt I know the test was stark white.

So I will test with a FRER tomorrow. I almost don't want to. I don't want to see a negative with a REAL test that I trust.

After nearly 2 1/2 years, I deserve a positive, don't I? I've done all the hard work, I didn't expect anything to just be handed to me. Can't I catch a break here?

But my boobs feel a little less sensitive today, my stomach a little less bloated. I'm down over a pound since yesterday. None of this seems like a good sign.

We also have to put down one of our cats tonight. He was perfectly fine (or so it seemed) until a couple of days ago. He's 14 years old (but was a stray the first 4 years of his life), and all of a sudden was having trouble breathing. We brought him into the vet yesterday morning and they drained 160ml of fluid from around his lungs.

L explained to me that my Bravelle shots were about 1ml, so that's a lot of fluid to drain from a kitty :(

They found a tumor in his lungs afterwards, and think it's secondary, but they can't find the first tumor. We brought him home last night and gave him yummy tuna and an electric blanket that he loves but he just wasn't interested.

He's having trouble breathing again today, so we're guessing the fluid is recollecting. With that and the not eating, we know he just can't take anymore. We're waiting on the vet to call us with the results from the tests they did yesterday (they sent out the fluid to be tested) but odds are we'll be going back in tonight and coming home with an empty cat carrier.

No Merlin, and a BFN? I don't think I can stand it.

ICLW

This is the first ICLW I'm participating in, and I'm really enjoying it so far. For far too long I've felt so alone in my journey, as friend after friend gets married and starts having kids about 2 months after starting to try and I continue to also try and wait and nothing happens.

I hope it's not a misery loves company thing, because I don't want to be that kind of person, but it's awfully nice not feeling like the only person in the world this has happened to.

My story is pretty well laid out in the sidebar. Today is 8dp3dt in my first (and hopefully last?) IVF and I feel like shite and am hoping it's for a reason and not all in my head. 3 more days. I am more than willing to feel like shite for 9 months if only for this reason. Please.

7dp3dt

I'm ready for some lines to start showing up.

I've never gotten a positive HPT before 14dpo before, so I don't know why I'm expecting anything this early, but I keep hoping it will show up. It might never.

I have been so bloated the last few days, to the point where last night I was wondering if I might have OHSS. Can that show up a week after retrieval? I was in serious pain. But today it's slightly better.

I'm also still cramping, at least a little while every day. But still, if any of this meant anything, wouldn't I see something already?

I'm getting scared. Scared for Friday, scared for how devastated I'm going to be if I never get a positive HPT and the beta is negative.

Because it will feel like this was all for nothing. The shots, the bloat, the hormones - to go through all of that and still have nothing to show at the end of it?

I don't want another meltdown.

Craziness Begins

It's only 3dp3dt and already I'm going nuts.

I had ordered internet cheapies to pee on a few days ago and they arrived yesterday. I spent a little more money (about $.15 more per strip) to get the "really sensitive ones" - they go to 10 mIU, so I thought I'd be able to see how long it took for trigger to dissipate and then see (hopefully) the line get darker and darker.

I thought the trigger would hang in there awhile, letting me at least see a fake BFP for awhile, but it was stark white today.

It's 8 days past trigger today, so I guess that makes sense? I don't know..I thought it's be there for at least another 2.

I woke up at 4am this morning to pee and could swear I had some cramping action going on in/around my left ovary. It was enough to keep me awake for a little while, and made me relax somewhat. I had A/F like cramping on an off today, nothing horrible in the slightest, and just kept saying, "If this is you, babies, go for it! Cramp me up all you want!" Of course, if I get a BFN in a week and a half I will feel silly for ever having done that.

Since I know that the trigger is out of my system I just don't know what is the progesterone and what could possibly be a real symptom now. I've always thought I implant late since I've never gotten a BFP before 14dpo, so the thought that I could be implanting at 6dpo seems unreal. It's got to be all in my head.

I even looked at my FF charts from previous cycles to see what, if any "symptoms" I had in my head in other times. Cramping, never before 8dpo, and that was only one month when it was clearly PMS. (well, clearly NOW, wasn't so clear at the time).

Wouldn't it be awesome if it really was my tubes this whole time somehow responsible for our IF and/or late implantation? I mean, I know my HSGs have come out clear,so likely not, but it's a nice dream.

Anyway, so if I'm bad now, can you imagine how I'll be in a few days? Poor hubby.

None Left

I'm sad today. I expected a call from the RE's office telling me about whether the remaining two embryos made it to freeze or not, but no call - so I called IVF Jen this morning instead. Apparently one arrested and the other one continued but isn't good enough quality to make it to freeze.

So we are left with the two in me. If this doesn't work, we'll have to do another full IVF cycle. I wish I knew what was going on. I wish I knew if they also had arrested or were doing well, but I'm left in limbo for the next few weeks. I hate this.

I'm trying to tell myself that the two they transferred were of a higher grade and not as fragmented, so there's a better chance, but it's so hard to stay positive.

I also am bloated as hell, and feel some mild nausea, all of this due to the progesterone, I'm sure, as I'm only 2dp3dt.

Today is the day my little ones should be blastocysts, if they've made it this far...and hopefully soon will be embedding themselves into my lining.

Oh please oh please.

3-day Transfer

I had my transfer yesterday. It was kind of a rushed weekend. No call on Sunday so I assumed a 3 day transfer, but because it was on a Monday at 7am I couldn't get into acupuncture beforehand. And I didn't bother to call and see if I could do it afterwards. It would have been a last minute appointment which I think would have caused me more stress than just sitting at home instead.

I was up at 5am just in case they decided to call. Of course they didn't, so I downed water as we drove to the RE's office. We met with the embryologist who gave us a picture of our babies.



Yes, it's kind of small here, but zooming in just ruins the pixels.

According to the embryologist, 1 stopped growing at 4 cells. Then we had 2 6-cells, and 2 8-cells. On a grade of 1-4 (4 being the best, 1, the worst) the 2 8 cells were 3s, and the 2 6 cells were 2s. Sigh...I was hoping for a 4.

So we transferred the 2 -8 cells. On the picture above, imagining the embies are arranged like on a clock face, the 8-cells are the two at 2pm and 4 pm, and the 4 cell one that stopped growing is at 6pm.

The 4pm one was quite beautiful - no visible fragmentation. But it's a little oblong. When I asked why, they said they sometimes get that way from being sucked out by a pipette and not to worry. I hope they're right, because it looks like that was our best one.

I was so worried ET was going to hurt because my IUIs haven't been that comfortable (although none so bad as with my OB). But I barely even knew he had done it when he finished! Awesome.

So I went home and relaxed the rest of the day, even though they said bed rest was not needed. I didn't go to work because while I knew it wouldn't be physically demanding (it's a desk job, after all) I didn't want to be stressed out by demanding people. It was nice, being forced to be a bum. I did go out to get Chinese for lunch (way too spicy, and I kept hearing my acupuncturist in my head saying, "No cold food, no spicy food" - oops) and then later to the mall across the street to pick up some chocolate dipped strawberries for V-day, but other than that, just watched lots of court shows (love People's Court!) and slept with my kitty.

So as of yesterday, I was the mother of twins. I may not be today, I may not be 2 weeks from now. But yesterday, I had two of my babies in me.

Day 2

The RE isn't supposed to call about our embryos today, but I can't stop thinking about them all the same. I hope they're growing as they should. I'm so worried I'll get a call tomorrow telling me they've all arrested or something.

These are my babies to me already. I know it's ridiculous. I know they're nothing more than a few cells at this point, but right now, they're all I have.

Grow, babies, grow. We want you so badly.

And Then There Were Five

Sigh...they called about the fert. report at 7:05am this morning. I slept right through the call, and when I called them back, the lady (Marsha) was not very nice and said I need to answer my calls from them. I explained to her this was our first time doing IVF and I had no idea they'd call at 7am on a Saturday. She told me they get there at 5am and they will be calling me at 7 or earlier on Monday so I'd better be prepared.

Ok, Monday is a workday so I will be up by then. Maybe someone should have told me in advance they'd be calling this early on a Saturday so I would have known? Sheesh. Since I have NO KIDS I like I sleep in on my days off.

Anyway, it looks like there were only 7 mature, not the 12 they told me yesterday. That's what I had thought, which is why I was so surprised when they said there were 12. On that IVF board they said the RE can't tell if an egg's mature right off the bat, so I'm not sure why he told L that. But I wasn't too shocked, though I admit a little sad.

Out of the 7 they injected (apparently my lab does ICSI on everything, which I read isn't necessarily what to do unless you have male factor, or some other issues - which we don't) 5 fertilized. Again, I'm wondering if really there were only 5 good ones to begin with. I had 5 mature at my last U/S, with the possibility of two others catching up after the trigger but before retrieval. It could be that those two just weren't good enough anyway.

If that's the case, then all "good" ones fertilized which is great, if not 5/7 isn't too bad I guess. I just have no idea how many will make it, and I don't have all that many to begin with. You can believe if this IVF cycle doesn't work I will be asking my RE why I only had 7 mature at the end of all of this. I don't think my protocol was very good.

Granted, I never did an injectible IUI (due to other issues regarding my lap) so this cycle was a bit of trial and error so he likely knows where he can improve next time anyway.

Ugh, I'm already talking about next time. No. There's not going to be a next time. Unless it's for #2.

So I am scheduled for a day 3 transfer on Valentine's day, which is fine. I think there's the possibility they'll call me early on Monday to push me to day 5, but given that I don't have that many eggs, I think they'll play it safe and transfer on Monday. And then the long, long wait begins.

What else? Oh geez, I've already lost 2lbs in water weight. My last stim was Tuesday, and I must have peed 5 times from 5am-9am this morning (how I slept through that call, I don't know). And I didn't drink anything this morning. I'm down 2+ lbs from yesterday, so yay for that.

And I forgot to say that Ali was my nurse during the retrieval yesterday. The head nurse had told me some lady named Amy was going to be, and then Ali showed up and we both were shocked and so happy. It was great having her there. I hope she brings us good luck.

My Husband's Lucky Number

I just can't seem to wake up. They must have given me alot of the drugs used in egg retrieval because I was so anxious I would be awake, and this whole day I've been a bit loopy.

I could barely sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning, thinking, "What if I already O'd on my own? What if there are no good eggs? What if nothings mature enough?" Ugh.

I feel like I ought to be excited about this, but I'm not. I think it's because I'm getting closer and closer to finding out information - tomorrow, the fert report. What if none of the eggs made it? Or, once the transfer is complete, it's only another week and a half until I know whether they stuck or not. I'm so scared of knowing the answer because I don't want that answer to be no. Please God, I can't take another no.

Anyway, they got 12 mature eggs from me today. That's 5 more than I thought! I'm not fooling myself, I don't expect they'll all fert., but I was happy to learn they were actually mature. Apparently L has learned from all my question-asking, because I had been talking to him (before I went under) that I was sure I had a bunch of eggs (around 25) but I thought only 5-7 would be mature. He actually asked the RE if those 12 were mature, I'm so glad!

So today my babies were made, and we're just waiting for tomorrow to see how many make it and how good they look. Please please please, grow grow grow.

I'm scheduled for a 3 day transfer unless they push it out to 5. So even though I didn't have ER until today, I might end up getting a Valentine's Day transfer anyway.

I'll admit to not liking the number 12 my whole life. But it's L's lucky number. He's generally luckier than me though, so I'm hoping this portends well for him, and me by association. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Trigger

I had to wait till 4pm for the phone call today. I really feel like my RE is not at all sure about my cycle.

I know I should trust him. After all, he has so much more experience than I do! But I feel so burned by doctors lately (with the exception of Dr. Mike of course) that I'm so wary. It's bad.

L and I got up early to make out clinic appt. and pre-op appt. on time, but fate conspired against us and we got stuck in traffic due to an accident that made us 15 minutes late. Please, I often wait 15 min. for my appt., but us being 15 min. late - it was like we committed a cardinal sin. We got rushed into the pre-op appt., which was scheduled for after our clinic appt. originally, and that I understand, we were right on time for that, but then we were told to go wait in the waiting room for our clinic time. After awhile, I wondered just when we'd be going in. I sent L to ask, and found out they had "rescheduled" our clinic appt. for an hour later! Um, thanks for telling us?

There was no way I was about to sit there for an hour. I'm already really stressed with leaving work for all these appts., so I changed the clinic appt. to the latest I could and went to work for an hour, then came back for my clinic appt., without L. The first he's missed. :(

Well, lining hasn't grown much - 9.5mm, but it's still tri, so that's fine. But again, it seems as if my follies are all over the place. I really only have 5 that at this moment are ready to go, 2 on one side, 3 on the other, and they're 22mm, 21mm, 20mm, 19mm, 18mm. Then I have another 5-10 that are 13-16. The 16s MIGHT make it, but I doubt it. That's really not much.

My E2 was 1306. That's right, it went slightly DOWN from Monday, from 1364 to 1306. IVF Jen said that's my body's way of saying it wants to ovulate soon - I have no idea if that's true of not. Again, it's this trust thing - I should just believe her, right? What's my problem?

But I'm so disappointed. The E2 never got really high - I was hoping for over 2000, without really knowing why. I just hear that the estimate is around 200 of E2 per follie, so it seems like I will only get 6-7 eggs in the end.

I feel like a dud.

I don't get it. All my b/w baseline levels are fine, my ovarian reserve is fine, and all that other stuff, so what's the deal with why so few eggs?

So, at 4pm they called me to trigger tonight, which we did, precisely at 7:30pm. We have to be at the RE Friday morning at 6:45am (yay! not.) and I imagine I'll be done by 9am for a glorious day of zoning out at home.

Well, at least I'm done with stims. I'm just going to hope that those few eggs they collect are of awesome quality and fertilize and, as a girl in this IVF board I frequent wrote in hopes of her own:

...they are going to look so damn good that the embryologist is going to have wet dreams about them. Yep, wet dreams.

I'm A Tortoise, Not a Hare

Things are progressing, but they're slow. I'm slow. The RE assures me it's ok, that they prefer things to be progressing slowly as opposed to very quickly (or not progressing at all, I suppose), but with me and my stupid Googling habit, I am worried that it doesn't portend well for the future.

I don't know what the hell the NP who did my U/S on Saturday was smoking. That 15mm lining I had? Today, according to the PA, it is 9.2. And tri. I actually am happier with that number than the 15, because I don't have to worry about it being too thick anymore. Not that I was sure I needed to worry.

Today after 9 days of stims there were 20 measurable follicles, up from the 13 after 7 days of stims and 10 after 5 days. That 17.5mm outlier follicle I thought I had on Saturday? The PA today said it's really two smaller follicles. Now that kind of a mistake I can totally understand. I saw the U/S today, my follies are big and smushed together and I don't know how they even know if they counted all of them correctly.

So, I don't know which ones are at which size, but I apparently have a bunch of 16s, a bunch of 15s, a bunch of 14s, and a bunch of 11s. The 11s probably won't be ready in time, but it looks like the 14-16s will be good to go when the time comes.

Now that time. IVF Jen said trigger might not be for another 5 days. Today will be my 10th day of stims. I've never heard of stimming for that long.

Stupid Google says that stimming for more than 10 days is Bad. When I asked if that was true, she shrugged and said, "No." Well, that makes me feel so secure.

I asked some people on this IVF message board I read and there have been lots of BFPs from long-stimming cycles. Why that makes me feel better than the response from IVF Jen, I really have no idea.

So, back to the RE on Weds. now. I'm waiting for a call from IVF Jen to determine if I stay on my meds or change, and nothing yet. And of course, I want to know my E2 levels.

ETA: She just called. Stay on the same dosing until Weds. And E2 was 1364, progesterone .2.

S..l..o..w....

Next Stop: Bitchville

I'm on the train to Bitchville.  Actually, we'd probably have to back that train back up to Bitchville because I'm long past it, the way I've been today.  I had another scan and more b/w today, and they ended up calling L's phone with the meds protocol instead of mine while I was at my acupuncture appt. He didn't ask any questions (i.e. what the E2 levels were and why they weren't changing the protocol and when I found out later I was SO upset.  I actually called the emergency pager for them to give me that information because I couldn't stand not knowing until Monday.  Luckily they called me back and were still in the office (it was only an hour after they called him) so I don't feel that badly about it.  Thank God I have an understanding husband.

I was so worried about my lining on Weds. but today it was 15mm! Holy cow. NOW I'm worried about it being too thick.  Wow, you can't win with me, can you?

At today's U/S I was up to 13 follies, from the 10 they saw on Weds. I thought on Weds. my follicles were around 10mm based on what L told me, but today most of them were between 10-13mm.

I have one outlier follie at 17.5mm. I don't know what's going to happen with that as it's so far ahead of the others.

My E2 was 800 today which is perfectly inline with my 260 from Weds. but I don't know how it compares to the average IVF cycle, nor do I know what my follicles SHOULD be at this point.  I hate not knowing.  I'm such a control freak.  It's not like I could change anything anyway, but I just can't let go.

I really thought they would lower my dosing based on that 17.5mm follie but the word from the doc was to stay exactly the same, 3 vials of Bravelle and 5 units of Lupron still.  I just hope the 17.5 one stays put. If it keeps growing like it was, it will be 22.5 on Monday, my next appointment.

My acupuncture session went well though.  I listened to the Stress and Pressure podcast from MeditationOasis.com and it was really nice.  This is my third attempt at acupuncture and I'm planning to do another one the day before ER and possibly after too.

I just want this week over...I'm so stressed without any real reason, but I can't help my hormones.

First Scan

Today is my second day at home for this two-shot storm.  My deck is nearly completely full of snow, up to the railings!  My first scan was this morning and I was so worried my RE's office would be closed due to the weather.  But, as the receptionist told me, "We're always here!" and the office was quite busy.

I was so nervous that nothing would be progressing.  These stims are making me so emotional, it's ridiculous - I burst out crying at the silliest of things.

Anyway, I'm a little slow, the RE said, but nothing too bad, at least not yet.  My estradiol is 260, my progesterone is .1 (low is good in this case) but one of my concerns is that my lining was only 5mm. So the doctor is upping me from 2 vials of Bravelle a day to 3.

IVF Jen then told me that she's not sure why since everything looks good, "but hey, he's the doctor." That's right, chica.  What's with the commentary?  Ok, like I said, moody.

In other news I FINALLY yesterday heard back about my b/w from last month. MTHFR is confirmed, everything else was negative except for this PAI polymorphism 4g5g test that they are still waiting on results for.

I'm trying to learn about it, and it seems it's called compound heterozygous MTHFR.  But so far, my doctors aren't telling me much about it.  What do I need to do?  According to MFM, take "adequate" folic acid, B6 and B12.  But what is adequate for someone with two MTHFR mutations?  According to some websites I found, between 3-5 MG.  Holy cow, that's a lot.  But I'll do it in a second.

I am so so worried I need Heparin though.  I already know Dr. Mike and Boston MFM want me to take it starting at 8 weeks, but due to my previous M/C and chemical I wonder if I need it from the start, or possibly even before pregnancy.  It is sometimes needed for MTHFR mutations.

But I can't even get ahold of the MFM here to find out.  Argh!  So frustrated!



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