Friday, February 25, 2011

I Hate This

I feel like I'm dying slowly. Perhaps that sounds overdramatic to you, and it probably is. But I just want to curl up in a fetal position for awhile, take some mind-altering substances, and wake up in a few weeks when this all is over.

First Merlin, now this.

First of all, here's my beautiful Merlin.

I'm missing him a lot.

But in other news. I got three positive HPTs this week, starting at 8dp3dt on my internet cheapies. Yesterday at 11:30am (second pee of the day) I finally took a "real" test - a Clear Blue Easy.

In the afternoon, I started spotting. By evening I had full on AF.

My beta was today. Still waiting for results but this is one of the heavier AFs I've had and there's no doubt it will be negative. It was positive not 24 hours ago and now I have nothing.

No Merlin, no baby(ies).

I can get pregnant (occasionally) but I can't stay pregnant. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I've had the recurrent miscarriage panel done. I am compound heterozygous for MTHFR, PAI Polymorphism gene, and have Hashimoto's. My thyroid levels are fine, I've upped my folic acid intake, and I've been told I will start taking heparin at 6 weeks.

But I can't get to 6 weeks.

What do I do from here? I had asked my RE to put me on heparin earlier and he said no. Will he change his mind now? What other tests should I have done?

I want some answers. I've been doing this for so long and I hate all this no knowing. It's hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait, and now I have to do IVF #2.

I am crushed. No Merlin, no baby.


  1. Oh man I am so sorry. I hope the re is able to find a way to keep you pregnant. That would be so hard, to feel so close. I am so sorry

  2. (((hugs)))
    I am so sorry to hear that you are possibly miscarrying. I know spotting can be normal with IVF, and I hope that is all this is. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hope you get some good news soon.

  3. I am so very sorry. There are no words.

    You've had a lot of testing, and I'm wondering if your doc has been tracking your progesterone levels. I had two losses before my doc determined that I had a luteal phase defect (low progesterone) which made it impossible for my body to retain a pregnancy. With our third pregnancy my OB put me on progesterone suppositories, and it did the trick. Something to ask about...

  4. over from ICLW-I'm so sorry about losing Merlin and possibly having to move on to ivf #2. life really really blows sometimes.

  5. visiting from ICLW... I am so sorry, that's some really rough news to have so close together

  6. I am so terribly sorry. I can't imagine. We lost our beloved cat and we had a m/c but not together. I am so sad for you.

  7. Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for your losses. :( A wonderful cat and 2 beloved embryos...that's just too much to deal with. Best wishes. *hugs*

  8. Visiting from LFCA. Not overly dramatic at all....I know those feelings well after losing our yellow lab and after plenty of BFNs. Together at the same time? And after some bfps on hpts? Oh god. The fetal position would be screaming my name by now. I'm so so sorry for your losses....sending vibes that you'll be able to take care of yourself in the best way you know how.

  9. I am so, so sorry for both your losses. Life shouldn't pile so many things on one person all at once or raise your hopes only to dash them. I could scream at the unfairness of it all. I feel for you, I really do.

    Sending you love, and prayers for strength to get through this difficult time.

    Here from the LFCA

  10. Many (*hugs*) your way. I am so sorry for you recent losses. I've had three m/c's and have PAI-1 and MTHFR as well. Last weekend my cat I've had for 12 years passed away, and it's so been very difficult for me. I still can't believe she's gone. I can't imagine dealing with that & another m/c at the same time. So much loss and pain at once. I am so very sorry you are going through all this, I wish I could fully express how sorry I am. I will keep you in my thoughts, may you find strength to get through this.