Iron Commenter

After participating in ICLW on and off for years, I'm finally an Iron Commenter!



After Tuesday, I wasn't sure I could make my way through all the other blogs, but I was able to finish. It was so great to read so many other blogs, to see where so many other people are in their IF journeys. Some have just started, some are veterans. Some have happy news to share, others have just been devastated. But we are all here, all participating, and now, having commented in every single one of those blogs, I feel like we're all a part of a bigger family.

I would love to be a platinum commenter - but we'll see how that goes. :)

I've been sick as a dog this weekend. Literally couldn't get out of bed yesterday, but am a bit better today. Just in time for work tomorrow, oh. yay. Luckily the Olympics have been there to give me a dozen hours of tv to watch!

Today makes 9 weeks.

Not The Response I Was Expecting

Of course, by my writing that last post, I got an email from her right afterwards. And you know what, I'm even MORE annoyed than I was before I got it. Because she basically ignored everything I wrote to her. I even forwarded it to L to ask what he thought, and he replied, "Did she even get your email?" Which made me double check - maybe I had messed up the email address or something!

But no, it went to her, and she just moved on and sent me a nice, bright, upbeat email about how her boobs are finally growing. Stuff that in normal times (aka before Tuesday) I would have laughed about, but am now just hurt.

I don't know what I was expecting - I didn't think anything was going to change, but an acknowledgment would have been nice. Something along the lines of "Got your email. I'm so sorry this has to be so hard, I'm upset about it too. But on a positive note...(talk about boobs THEN).

I mean, she did write this one sentence halfway through her email (so it got kind of lost).

I don't mean to ignore the very difficult decision of reduction that might have to be made (I'm still hoping for a natural one!) but I also can't ignore (since I have all the symptoms!) the fact that you guys are going to have babies! I was always worried about what if I never got pregnant or what if I miscarried, etc... I know we still have a month to go until we're truly in the "safe zone" but it's still so exciting on my part to think that you're going to fill out that nursery! I hope the good outweighs the bad!

L think that she just can't go negative (like I can so easily, and most long term IFers and RPLers) and that in order to deal she just needs to move on, but once again, I feel like my feelings have been minimized.

I guess too, is that I need to be positive. I still have 2 babies (hopefully) that will need me. I need to be there for them. *I* need to move on, because *I* don't have a choice in the matter. And thinking and ruminating about it constantly is not going to help me move on. But because I feel so bad, so guilty about it, I think I feel like I need to punish myself, so that in some way makes up (to God? for karmic purposes? I really have no idea) for what is going to happen.

No Response Yet

Still haven't heard from Gabby. And I am getting upset over it.

I've now spoken with my L (obviously), my closest friends, my mother, the social worker for the gestational carrier cycle and our local infertility counselor about this. I think I'm all talked out, but I keep crying. A few people have said I should reach out to her again, but I'm just like, why? I know this is difficult for her, but I'm the one who has zero control over my babies right now. Why do I have to do everything?

We've gone to emailing/texting a few times a day, to nothing in the last 2 days. I'm sure she's upset too, but she's the one who asked if I wanted to talk about it.

We can't have this type of relationship. I can't deal with this on top of everything else.

Difficult Day

Last night was a bad night, followed by a difficult morning.

I sent Gabby an email yesterday. I needed to get my feelings out, but I know it must have burdened her as well. I put all the blame on Dr. A, and not her, but I'm sure I stressed her out. But I just needed to get it out and she was the only one who knows the situation.

I told her that we want to continue to have a good relationship with her and her family through this process and maybe even afrterwards, but that I felt attacked (bombarded is really the better word) by Dr. A yesterday. I told her how upset I was about the doctor not even saying Congratulations before running her mouth off.

I told her I felt like the 4 of us, her, her husband, me and L could have discussed this together without Dr. A's interjections. We probably would have even come to the same conclusion (that we would do whatever she felt comfortable with) but that I was just so upset because I felt like my feelings weren't respected by Dr. A at all. If things hadn't been one-sided or if the fact that these are my children had been more acknowledged by her it would have been better. I told her that's why I had emailed her (Gabby) several weeks ago to discuss even though it was so early because I was afraid of this.

To be honest, I knew Dr. A would push things, but I didn't think for one second I would have felt as bombarded as I did.

I told her that L and I agreed to the contract and I would never back out on it or ask her to. But that I loved my babies so much and just feel like a horrible "mother." That I felt I was led astray in following Dr. A's advice that that she shouldn't have been so agressive considering there's no definitive answer as to what is wrong with me in the baby department.

Even yesterday, Dr. A was trying to pin her reasoning on my eggs. My eggs which she never commented on when she initially told us to pursue a gestational carrier. Considering all 3 have made it thus far I asked her if there was ever going to come a point in this pregnancy where she could say, "Hmm, maybe not your eggs. Maybe it was your uterus after all. or some other unknown." But she said never. Really? Never? I mean, I'm not asking for a 100% it's not your eggs exclamation, but a "probably not your eggs" would have sufficed. It's like she can't bear to say she may have been wrong.

I told Gabby that that I never wanted to put three in and just discard one if all three implanted and I feel like that's what Dr. A may have been thinking we could just do. That I almost wish Dr. A was the one who had to do the actual SR because none of this affects her in the slightest.

So, I was pretty harsh on Dr. A. And I probably shouldn't be telling these things to my carrier who is holding my babies right now. But I'm upset and I want her to know it. I mean, I think it was obvious in person yesterday but I just wanted it said. I know it won't change anything and I don't want to affect our relationship but maybe it will because she'll be mad I burdened her with it. It's such a fine line of expressing yourself yet wanting to stay on good terms because she has my babies with her.

I hope I didn't ruin it.

Second Ultrasound, and a Decision Out of Our Hands

Today was the second u/s! I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I had no breakdown the night before (for once) but I just had a pit in my stomach and couldn't eat. We had to drive 3+ hours to Boston, for an 8:30am appt., so we left at 4:30am to make sure we didn't get caught in rush hour traffic.

We got there at 8am (traffic wasn't too bad) and headed to Au Bon Pain so L could get something to eat before the U/S (I still couldn't). Then I got a text from Gabby saying she was here, was going to Au Bon Pain to get something to eat because she a) STARVING!!! and b) had to pee really bad. Hahaha! Since we were already there I snuck up behind her and we squealed as only girls do :) She grabbed something to eat and we all sat down chatting it up before heading down to ultrasound.

When we got back there we had a little time in the waiting room before getting into an u/s room. We had a student doing the ultrasound (she would call the doctor afterwards) and all I could think was how much it would suck for her if the news wasn't good. She went to start the u/s and I totally chickened out and left the room. I had already told L and Gabby that I might do it, and L and I had a conversation that he was to find me in the hallway if there was even 1 hb.

I walked the hallway for what seemed like forever, fretting that they weren't able to find any hbs (but L swears it was less than a minute) before he poked his head out and said they found 1 so far (he said it in a way that I understood meant they just hadn't gotten around to looking for the other two yet. ) So I was able to breathe! I came in the room and immediately saw a second heartbeat before the U/S technician even said anything. She did her measurements and then found the third. THREE heartbeats! STILL!

But at that point my joy was mixed with pain, because we were going to see Dr. A next and I knew what the discussion was going to be about.

The three babies are all perfect - STILL.

Baby 1) HB 173 bpm, measuring 8w4d (CRL 19)
Baby 2) HB 182 bpm, measuring 8w2d (CRL 17)
Baby 3) HB 182 bpm, measuring 8w4d (CRL 19)

We headed up to see Dr. A, and she pissed me off right away. The first words out of her mouth? "I'm so sorry this is happening to you."

No congrats, no nothing else but that. She couldn't have started with a congrats for the miracles we have right now? Right away she spoke about how she really thought 3 was the way to go and based on my history she thought we had a 1% chance of all three staying (now apparently we're down from 2%) Blah blah blah. Then she laid it on thick with all the medical stuff, all the risks, but while she acknowledged how tough this is for us, she really didn't do much else in that regard.  Right away she started talking about the need to reduce, all the problems there can be, and she pissed me off for the second time.

She started talking about medical issues of triplets and how there's only a 5% chance they will come out healthy (but hey, we always hit the small percentages lotto, right?) and doomsday this and doomsday that. Then she said, "and as someone who grew up with medical issues, you know how tough it was on your parents, and I have a 9 year old daughter just diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, and the stress of seeing her going through all of that recently..." blah blah blah.

I had it and said to her, "I may not be a parent yet, but as the CHILD with medical conditions, I've had a pretty damn good life and I much would have rather had this life than not be here at all!" My work BFF told me I should have said to her, "So are you saying you'd rather your daughter not be here at all rather than have diabetes?" (Dammit I didn't think of it at the time) I mean the comparison was so ridiculous and STUPID.

Gabby was sitting there and I just said, "You know, this is a pointless discussion to have if Gabby isn't even willing to carry three. I know the contract says if there are three there will be selective reduction, so are you even willing to do so (carry 3)?" Because if she's not, lets not have the agony of this discussion, you know?

She was really uncomfortable, and I put her right on the spot, so I understand and even feel a little bit bad. But she said, "I'm nervous about all of this because I don't want our good relationship strained. I'm a medical professional (she's an NP who works in pediatrics) so I am easily able to come to it from a medical angle, which I know you guys can't. But I also know how long you guys have been trying for a baby and I can't even imagine how you feel right now. But I'm really worried about bed rest, and pre-eclampsia and being there for my family (long term). And I don't think I can take the risk for my family. "

It was really difficult for her to say that, and I can respect that, and appreciate the fact that she felt comfortable enough to say what she needed to. But I guess that's it, the decision is out of our hands. We will not be coming home with 3 babies.

There is still a chance we may lose one on its own, as my last miscarriage was at 11w, but for now, we have an ultrasound scheduled with Maternal Fetal Medicine in 2 more weeks (we'll be 10w4d for that one). Then they will do the NT scan around 12 weeks to determine if any of them have a genetic defect to make the "choice" of which one goes "easier" (G-damn it, these effing quotes are all over the place and I mean them all in the most cynical way) and if they are all fine they said it's the one easiest to get to and SR is done around 12-14 weeks. We've never made it to 12 weeks before, so it will be the most developed baby we've ever seen. And then we have to destroy it. Kill me.

I don't like that they will choose whichever easiest to get to. I don't know what other way would be better though. I feel bad because it's whichever poor one picked the "bad" spot to implant. If I can think of a better way I will ask for that instead, but as of right now I can't think.

So babies, it's your momma here, and please listen to me. I love you all so much, please know that. You guys are stronger than I ever would have thought possible and I am so grateful all of you decided to stick around. But if there's one of you who wants to sacrifice yourself for "the team" or feels too crowded in there (just one of you, mind you!), it's ok if you decide to go. I would much rather you make the decision than us having to make it for you. And please know if it was up to me, I would keep all of you in an instant faster than your respective heartbeats. 

How is it I go from praying for my babies to live to asking one of them to go? This is so wrong.

I should be so happy and excited today. No matter what, it can never be easy.

ICLW again

Here we are, another month of ICLW starting.

Welcome to my blog, which lately is an often-wrote, whiny, bitch-about-my-family-and-generally-act-like-a-small-child place where I come to pour out my feelings. I certainly can't tell anyone about them :)

Up until this past month, we've been following along two paths in the road to finally (we're on our 4th year now) become parents. We are homestudy approved for adoption and are working with a semi-local (it's at least in the state, though 5 hours away from us) agency, and we recently matched with a gestational carrier and did a cycle in May/June. At the end of June, we found out our gestational carrier (I often call her our surrogate, though she is carrying my husband and I's genetic material) was pregnant, and a couple of weeks ago, learned at the first ultrasound that there were three heartbeats! Next week is the second ultrasound and I am just praying there aren't zero.

We've had 5 losses previously, including twins, so we aren't taking anything for granted. Now that I'm not the one pregnant, I'm definitely writing more because I don't have much else to do (take vitamins, or meds, etc.) It's definitely a weird position to be in, but one I will GLADLY be in for 9 months if only it means we can have a baby at the end of it.

This means that if we have a successful u/s next week, we will be letting the adoption agency that we can no longer be profiled for any opportunities that come up. It's a scary thought, especially since anything still can happen with the gestational carrier pregnancy, but it's also what we need to do.

In the meantime, we're just sitting here, waiting, hoping and praying everything works out well for once, just once!

Baby Shower Invite

Just got SIL's baby shower invite in the mail. I feel totally deflated, totally gutted. Why? Really, it should not affect me as much as it is.

It's a printed invite (tinyprints?) and says at the top - (SIL) is having...and then in effing HUGE letters - TWINS!!!!!

Hosted by both my MIL and of course, SIL's mother. So MIL has known about this but couldn't tell us in advance? Apparently no one could have given us the heads up this was coming? Man, my FRIENDS are kinder to me than my own family!

In addition to the registries mentioned, they also want two baby books brought for each of the "girls." Instead of cards. This is how I felt about her wedding shower - she had a wishing well...so an additional gift to the shower gift.

Yeah, if it was anyone else, I probably wouldn't care at all. I get that I'm being hypocritical.

I just keep trying to think how I'm going to do my shower. I want it to be totally different from hers.

Ultrasound

Gabby had told me she'd given the u/s pic she received to the hospital to mail to me along with the documentation from the first u/s. She said it would be to us in a day so we expected it Thursday. But we just got it on Monday. We saw they sent it 3rd class mail, so that explains why. I didn't even know third class mail existed!

Ultrasound pics...the three sacs. I figure I should post it now because who knows what will happen. I just read a blog about an IP who just finished her journey literally a few days ago, and when I went back to read from the beginning, she had put in 3 as well, was given a 3% chance of triplets, got pregnant with all three and had heartbeats at the 6 week ultrasound as well (the story was eerily similar, except she already had two children that she'd given birth to herself at home. She was told not to carry herself again because it was very dangerous, she almost died before).

Then, at the 8 week ultrasound, one of the triplets had SPLIT, thereby giving FOUR babies. But the identical twins didn't have a heartbeat and another one of the triplets didn't have a heart beat either. So she was down to one and her carrier just gave birth to that one a few days ago. Holy smokes.

And that's part of my big fear. That we'll go in next week and there will be NO heartbeats. From 3 to zero.

But as of this day (6w2d this was), here's what it looked like:

The picture of all three is the top left hand side, and the other three pics are each of the triplets. In the lower right hand corner of the triplet picture you can see another dark circle, and the ultrasound notes make note of this, calling it a cyst or possibly a hydrosalpinx. I looked that up and it looks like you can get one from having an IUD, which she had before taking it out to start our cycle. It can cause infertility because basically it's a blocked tube! How ironic.
I finally got up the courage to ask her if she would mind sending baby bump pictures each week. I hate asking her to do extra stuff because she's got enough on her plate, but I'm starting to realize we're a lot alike and I think she likes my showing a lot of interest. I'm afraid to show too much interest though, for fear of seeming "clingy."

But it was so funny because I emailed her on Friday, and she emailed me back. I decided to not email on Saturday because I thought, man, I really shouldn't bother her EVERY day! Then she called me on Sunday afraid I was mad with what she emailed me on Friday (about talking to Dr. A) because I hadn't emailed back! We are two peas in a pod.

So she sent me her first baby bump picture yesterday. I've cropped it to cut off her head (since if I knew pictures of me were going to be floating around cyberspace I wouldn't be happy). She says her bump is definitely bigger and with 3 in there I'm really not surprised.

 I think there is one!! That's where my babies are! I'm so excited to see it and totally jealous of her body, haha. I don't think I've ever looked that good in my life, pregnant or not!

Less than a week till the next u/s. Fingers crossed so hard.

Things I Didn't Know

Over the last few weeks, I have learned how much I don't know about gestational surrogacy. First off, I've learned I shouldn't call it surrogacy at all, especially since in my state there are criminal penalties associated with it. It really is "gestational carrier" but that to me describes a person, not a process. Gestational carrierism? LOL! So I keep referring to it as gestational surrogacy.

There are only about 1500 surrogate births per year in the U.S. That is an incredibly small amount when you think about that over 4 MILLION babies are born each year in the U.S. And of those surrogate births, the majority are actually wealthy foreigners who hire American surrogates (largely because surrogacy is illegal in their countries). Most of the rest are close friends or family members of intended parents themselves. I haven't seen how many are born through agency agreements every year, but I imagine it's a small amount of that 1500. For instance, I saw somewhere that the state of New Jersey had 12 surrogate births last year. MA is a surrogacy-friendly state, so there's probably more, but man, that's not a lot!

Surrogacy Laws by State

This is probably is why there's just not that many resources on talking about surrogacy with people. I mean, there's tons of stuff out there on adoption and how to tell people, work, etc., but I haven't found ONE thing on surrogacy (and I'm an expert Googler). 

I'm not ashamed of doing surrogacy. My inlaws and parents already know obviously. Eventually our families will know. My closest friends already know and I will have no problem telling less close friends as it comes up. But work? I don't mind telling my boss because I have to, and she's discreet enough. But I have some co-workers who are so nosy and rude and they will ask crass questions about it. And L keeps saying I can just tell them to mind their own business, but I really can't. Because they actually don't realize they are being rude.

I keep getting so ahead of myself. I'm so nervous this won't work, so why am I thinking so far ahead this time? I never did before.

I think it's because I have nothing else to do. I don't have any symptoms to think about and google. So all I have is to think about what I *will* have to do at some point.

Regarding adoption, I haven't heard from the agency since June...at this point, we will probably not agree to any more profilings. Probably after the next u/s we will tell them we are "pregnant" so we won't get profiled anymore.

And that's hard too. Most of my friends knew we were doing adoption, but don't know about surrogacy. I just got an email from one of them yesterday asking how the process was going? And I told her we'd gotten profiled but not picked yet, but still couldn't find a way to mention surrogacy. And I should probably do that before we have any babies birthed, because then everyone will think we adopted them.

Tomorrow is Gabby's birthday! I've ordered an Edible Arrangements to be delivered to her house (she's not working tomorrow for once!). Figured fruit was good for a nauseous woman + her kids (one of her kids actually had minor surgery so she's staying home tomorrow to take care of her) and I don't know many of her other likes.

I'm debating crafting a questionnaire for her to help with future gift giving ideas. Edible Arrangements is kind of a cop-out plus holy cow! It has gotten expensive! $55 for a small bouquet? Outrageous. But I couldn't come up with anything else. I want to save a prenatal massage for later on in pregnancy - and that's it, I'm out of ideas. Please, if anyone has any, send them my way.

But I'm serious...sending her an email saying I need to know this for the future.

Favorite:

• color
• movie
• tv show
• food
• book
• activity
• way to relax
• any others?

Maybe I should send it to her husband instead and let him answer :) 

2%

Oh, so nice to always "win the lotto" for these small percentages. First my heart condition. Then the recurrent miscarriages...now this.

On Wednesday I couldn't stop thinking about SR. I emailed Gabby early in the day asking if any of them were behind or ahead. The response I got back put me into overanalyzation mode. I was trying to glean an glimpse of whether she wanted SR or not. She wrote me,

 Susan also mentioned that sometimes if one embryo is measuring smaller or the heart beat is slower then they think maybe that one won't survive.  She said that all were measuring perfect and had perfect heart rates so she didn't think that would happen.

 What did that mean??? I thought the bolded part (which I bolded, not her) was a pretty harsh thing to say since I think it was obvious I was looking for an easy way out, so then I was thinking, maybe she's being harsh because she DOESN'T want to do SR and she thinks I do. Ugh...what a mess. And she mentioned talking to Dr. A at the next u/s but I didn't want to because I think Dr. A is going to push for SR. I wanted her and I to talk ahead of time so she would at least know I was ok with having all three.

It's so awkward though. If we are both on the same wavelength, that's great. But if she wants SR and I tell her I don't, then we've just put up a barrier between us. Especially since the contract said no more than two.

But I couldn't just let things go. I wanted to get through to her I was ok with 3 without guilt tripping her. Because we need a good relationship. So I tried to write it out to her, but it wasn't working. Every email I started just came out so guilt trippy even without meaning it (and looong). I was trying to tell her my feelings, but they were guilt trippy. I finally scratched the whole thing and wrote a short email instead:

We know the situation right now is very complicated and we are having a lot of worries and concerns about the options facing us if there really are three going forward. I also know it is extremely early and anything can happen. I am wondering if you are concerned too and if you'd like to discuss it.  I don't want to put you on the spot or make you feel uncomfortable, so if you to prefer just to discuss by email I'm ok with that, or we can talk or Skype if you prefer.

Of course, that didn't really express I was ok with 3, did it? Ugh. I just didn't know how to say it. 

A short time later came her response (names changed to protect the innocent):

I'm glad you asked the question and I'm glad you are being so open.  I have thought a lot about it too and have thought how difficult it will be if/when the discussion about selective reduction takes place.  I think right now I don't have enough facts about risks/benefits of procedure, risks of triplets (both to me and to the babies more importantly), etc... and I think that is going to be an important discussion to have with Dr. A, or the specialist.  Susan did mention that Dr. A would refer us to a high risk OB at [our hospital] if it came down to it.  I also have my fingers crossed that the babies will figure it out themselves that there won't be enough room to be healthy and maybe things will be different at the next ultrasound.

There's still so much uncertainty but it's definitely a conversation we should have, just not sure we should have it before we know there's an issue (but happy to if you want to plan ahead).

Also, I emailed [our surrogate agency liaison] about the same thing and she offered me a lot of support, she was really quite sweet.  I actually thought more about you when she responded because not only did she offer me her support and her knowledge but she has a close friend who underwent years of infertility (not a [our hospital] patient she assured me) and finally got pregnant with triplets(basically they did the same thing with her, they were so sure she wouldn't get pregnant with all of them).  They had to make the decision to reduce to twins and she is now 33 weeks pregnant with twins.  She said she would be a great resource to talk to me (or you!) if I wanted.

Bottom line, it is a blessing and a curse and we all need to be comfortable about what's going on, and at the end of the day, although triplets can be healthy, the average gestation is only 32 weeks and there is so much risk for medical complications and prolonged NICU stays.  It's going to be a tough decision whatever we do and we'll be sure to do it together!  Right now I'll nurture the babies that are in there and hope for an easy outcome. I can't imagine all the emotion you guys are going through!  And it's far more than me, trust me, this is something you've worked so hard for, for so long!  So my thoughts are with you guys as you continue to figure things out.  Let's see where we're at in 2 weeks after the ultrasound and then weigh our options.  I did some google-research last night and realized there is just so much information and it's hard to know what's right and what's wrong.  Lots of love to you guys!

So it was a really nice email back but I still don't know what way she feels. I do agree with her, I just need to wait and see, but as you see, patience is not my strong suit. I know we may never need to make a decision, but I'm such a planner, I always want to have a plan before I even know if there's anything to worry about!

I emailed her again yesterday just quickly to tell her I hoped she was feeling well, and she wrote back this:

Also wanted to let you know that I asked for Dr. A to call me, I just wanted to talk to her and see what she thought.  She was really sweet.  She apologized for putting us all in this position but given all the information that she was working with and her consulting with other fertility doctors they all felt like it was so unlikely I would get pregnant with 3.  But, my main questions was whether she thought there was any chance 1 might reduce or given how good they looked would they all stick around.  She still thinks given your history that we should wait and see what happens, she thought that sometimes they embryos realize there's just not enough space and 1 will reduce.  She was really nice and excited to talk to us in a few weeks.  I don't know why I wanted to talk to her, I just felt like she's the expert and I'm never sure what to think with Susan...


I hate being uncertain about things. The last few years have not done anything to help it. I know I just need to wait to 8 weeks and see what's going on then. But it's hard. Sometimes I'm terrified of going in at 8 weeks and having zero heartbeats! Then what an idiot I will feel like (amongst other things, of course).

In other news, my work BFF scared the crap out of me about day care for multiples. Even though it's soooo early, she said I should call the daycare I want, since if there really are three, it will be tough finding space for all 3 at the same place. It feels so ridiculous, but I know she's right. Her daycare was going out more than 15 months when she was looking! So I called them up and asked about it and they said yes I should do it early. I asked if they do multiples, and she was like, "Oh yes! Oh are you having twins?" No, I said sheepishly. "Triplets." "Oh my!" came the surprised voice. It was kind of funny, and nice. Hey, at least I got to tell one person before this possibly changes. I did tell her, "But it's really early, so it might not be triplets in the end," and she said she understood. So we're getting info sent to us.

It's going to be so expensive...almost makes it not worth it to work. I think it will be about $2500 per month for 3. But I need to work in order to have a job when any kids of ours are in school. So basically over the next few years, I'm not actually working to earn any money, just to keep my place. Because finding a job as a lawyer after you've been out of the workforce is really difficult. And I have a wonderful, stable job, that will allow me to go to 70% time and have 7 months maternity leave (unpaid of course) so I need to keep it.

So, talk about getting WAY ahead of myself. But see what a planner I am?

Well Then...

Endoscopy went fine...they took some biopsies to make sure but didn't see any ulcers..so...ugh, looks like gallbladder surgery is in my future.

I am still feeling out of it from the anesthesia. I don't know why but I think it always takes me a long time to feel normal again. Hopefully that means I'll actually sleep tonight, and I've been basically sleeping all afternoon.

Anyway, the stuff you really care about :)

As always, with this blog you get the truth, no sweetening it up to make it more palatable. Warts and all.

I wasn't supposed to be on this call at all. I didn't want to be, and so I was glad I had the excuse of something at work at 9am keeping me from it. Then Gabby calls me at 8:45am because I guess they took her in early. Skyping actually was not allowed, so we conferenced in L and I couldn't get out of it. I must sound like the meanest "mom" ever because I did NOT want to be on it, it was so awkward. I know she couldn't see me and my reaction but I didn't know what kind of verbal reaction she was expecting from me and was afraid she'd get annoyed.

We have three sacs and three perfect babies, all with great HBs. 115, 119 and 122 beats. Due date is 3/3/13. That date is so perfect. We got three embryos out of this cycle, put all three back on June 13th, and my lucky number is 13, I kid you not. Of course with twins or triplets I'm sure it will be well before that day. (If all stick the whole time of course).

I am overjoyed with happiness but at the same time so sad. It looks like no matter what I will only end up with twins at the most. Either one will go on its own (or heck maybe more, who knows) or we will have to do SR per our contract...either way I guess we will not be ending up with three. At first I thought Gabby might be leaning towards being ok with 3 based on things she was saying but then she kept talking about twins later...so I don't know. I'm pissed at my RE for taking this chance and her not considering how I would feel and pissed at myself for not thinking about how bad I would feel about it too. To be completely perfectly honest, I did not think it would happen in a million years.

Don't get me wrong, three would be absolutely insane but I would take all three in instant.  I'm already trying to figure out how the HELL we would fit three cribs in our one and only second bedroom. It would be hilarious until we moved. We've been trying to move but there's too many homes in our development on the market so we took our house back off, especially with trying to save for adoption too.

But I guess there's no happiness without some pain. I don't at all want to *wish* for one to go on its own (that will break my heart too) but it seems that is what I must wish for in the most humane, loving way.

L was on the nurse call after the u/s (I couldn't participate because of crap at work) and the nurse said they weren't even discussing SR yet because "these things have a way of working themselves out."

So we will see. Apparently my doomsday radar is severely off, at least at this point. I am so ecstatic that we have them. Gabby texted me a pic of the ultrasound and all three. I love them already.

And Then There Were...

Three. Let's just let that sink in. I'm about to undergo an endoscopy to see what's going on with my stomach, finally. More later.

Last Night

Last night I got an email from Gabby that made me really worry. She said she'd had more brown discharge and had been really crampy, though the cramps had gotten better. I just don't have a good feeling about this. It really made me depressed and I cried most of the rest of the night.

I'm so worried no heartbeat(s) will show on the U/S today. Even though it's still early, they should probably show up by now, so if they don't it probably does not mean good things. And now, I don't know, I feel like even if things look ok today, I'm not convinced they will stay that way for long.

I miss my babies so much. The ones from last year, and the ones she is (hopefully) holding now. I just want one of my own to love, in person. I've been working towards this for so long, with nothing to show for it. I just want this to work one time.

I am quite the mess waiting for today's ultrasound. The foreboding is driving me nuts.

Heard from Gabby!

Ok, something a little more positive now so I stop obsessing about things that aren't about me! Bah!

I got an email from Gabby on vacation! Telling me all about her symptoms. It's made me so excited it's almost pathetic :)

Ok, symptoms have started... extreme fatigue and some nausea, yeah!  I have been the first to bed every night and am definitely nauseous if I am not continuously eating carbs!  And there are foods that all of a sudden seem unsettling to me, like bananas, mushrooms and meat, that I used to eat all the time. 

Poor thing has the craziest schedule in the next few days culminating in the u/s on Tuesday. She also experienced a bit of brown spotting a few days ago, but she said it was very light and only lasted the one day and her symptoms have intensified since then. She called Susan freaking out and the nurse told her it could have been left over implantation spotting. Hopefully so!

I think L and I have Skype figured out so I hope he is able to "be" at the appointment on Tuesday. Just 38 hours to go!

Another Day, Another Change

Clearly I'm bored and have nothing to do but keep changing my blog around :) I changed it again and I think things should be back to normal? (Let me know if not, please!)

I wish I could change the gray background around the blog posts but so far, no cigar.  Oh well.

I am getting both super excited and super nervous for the u/s next week. I hate not knowing what's going on right now and wish I could email (and get a response) from Gabby, but she's still on vacation. I'm seeing pics from her on FB and so it's making me antsy. Luckily, no more "scary" pics :) There have been videos of her family doing a high ropes adventure course type thing, roller coasters, etc. but all those pics are from someone safely and firmly on the ground below!

I have to learn how to skype for next week. I downloaded the app to my phone but now what? How do you connect with someone? Also, can you three-way skype? If not, I might just let L be on the skype call instead of me since I'm so nervous I feel I might barf just thinking about things. But if there's bad news, then he has to tell me it, which sucks for him. And also, he never asks the questions I want because he doesn't think of them on time.

Opinions on the new blog look?

Based on other commenters' opinions, I'm trying to decide whether to keep this look or go back to the old one. Mostly I care about how easy it is for you to read and comment. Please let me know if you're having trouble!

In Mozilla, the words look tiny to me and hard to read, but in Explorer and Safari, they look fine. So I would like to know what others think! Thanks!

Slip n Slide

I redid the website. It's a little brighter, more fun, and I hope easy enough to read. I wish I could change the font of the Blog Name, but I can't figure it out. Arial is so boring.

I thought about how to say something to Gabby, but I couldn't figure it out. Not to mention she's on vacation right now, and by the time gets back to email it'll be dumb. Then I read this facebook comment she wrote about the slip n slide (she posted it on Saturday but I didn't see it until Monday, ugh).

I just went down it for the first time and I FLEW! Landed on my butt in the pool because I was going too fast to stop, it's amazing! A mommy's dream, haha!

So not the thing I, as the intended parent, wanted to hear. "...I was going too fast to stop." Did it not occur to her that I would see this? And I can't even really say anything since A) I didn't see it until two days after she wrote it B) she's on vacation and away from FB for now, C) two people "liked" her comment, and D) her sister said "Wow!" after it. (I imagine her sister must know she's pregnant though, I think they are pretty close).  Me writing, "Um, can you be careful please?" probably wouldn't go over well.

Ugh...

So what did I do, but go look up slip n slides. I remember the one my family had back in the day - a flimsy sheet of plastic that didn't even have that little cheap "pool" at the end of it (that was the fancier, later version)

Ours just ended throwing you into the grass, which became a puddle of mud as we slid over and over again. I was such a girly girl, I hated getting covered in dirt, so I wouldn't use it often. Plus, I always slipped on the plastic before I was able to hurl myself down and the water was very cold...and yeah...

Yeah, that's totally how I always ended up feeling.

But these blow up slip n slides are something else!

Gabby sent me a picture of it with her kids on it but I won't put it on here. Now, since she ended up on her butt in the pool she obviously at least had to have gone on on her butt or back. If she'd gone on her stomach, she would have ended up face first in the pool, right? I just hope the pool was filled up enough that she didn't drop too much.

Ugh...I should not have to worry about this stuff.

She is always telling me her husband is always worrying about the babies (her words, she's sure there's plural). When she was stressed about work the other day he told her it wasn't good for them. I'm surprised he didn't have a problem with her doing this, then!

I know, I need to trust. It is so hard.

1 week till the first ultrasound.

Control

I'm having a hard time giving up control.

Today is 5 weeks. Gabby and family left for a weeklong vacation today, so I likely won't hear from her. On Friday she sent me some pictures from her son's birthday party - they got a blow up slip and slide and she told me she couldn't wait to go on it.

Um....

Should she be going on a slip n slide, even 4w5d pregnant?

I didn't say anything, though I wanted to. She's given birth to 3 healthy, wonderful kids. She knows what to do and not to do. For all I know, she was just sitting in the pool at the end to cool off.

But it's hard.

Last night I had my first anxiety dream. I don't even remember it all now, but it involved living in a house with people who I knew in my dream but I don't know in real life. And I was waiting and waiting, and then found out (along with two other people, men for some reason) that our babies had already been born 4 months earlier and died because no one had taken care of them (whoever had given birth to them was not in my dream at all, nor was it a question of mine.) Instead I was just crying, bawling in my dream, the pain of the last 4 years built up in my subconscious spilling out in my dream.

Unlike the movies, I guess, I didn't wake up crying, but even right now I can feel the same pain I felt in my dream internally. And in my dream I just kept saying, "well, those other people can try again, but this is it for me. I can't. My chance is over."

And I woke up to an email from Gabby in which she said "I'm still waiting anxiously for my breast tenderness and nausea."

I remember how my boobs hurt with my twins. I can't remember when they started hurting but I feel like it was very early. Like 5 weeks early. So it scares me that she feels nothing. Especially if it is twins. Then again, it may not be for a few more days yet. And I KNOW I didn't have any nausea until almost 8 weeks and then it hit with a vengeance.

Whatever, Ducky. Your babies have their best chance in Gabby's uterus. There's nothing you can do either way. And it's interesting how at exactly 5 weeks last time I was having these same exact feelings.

I've calculated when I will be able to breathe again. That will happen Tuesday, August 28th, 5pm - when Gabby officially hits 13 weeks.  Please let us not only get that far, but get the whole way this time.